Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

1 INTRODUCTION A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better. While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn. 2 I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, "I've been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and nobody cares!" I said defensively, "Why didn't you call me?" 3 She said, "I asked your brother, but he forgot! I've been waiting for him to return all day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!" At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn't even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits. Then something started to happen that would change my life. 4 Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't slept in days. Please listen to me." i stopped for a moment to listen. She said, "John Gray, you're a fair-weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door." Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go." 5 I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her. At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself. 6 That day, for the first time, I didn't leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marvelled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way. How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, I didn't know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily. 7 In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn't know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult. Ibis incident with Bonnie revealed to me how I could change this pattern. It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights about men and women in this book. By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realize that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences Bonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each other more. 8 By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered new ways to improve all our relationships. We have learned about relationships in ways that our parents never knew and therefore could not have taught us. As I began sharing these insights with my counselling clients, their relationships were also enriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars saw their relationships dramatically transform overnight. Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. I receive pictures of happy couples and their children, with letters thanking me for saving their marriage. Although their love saved their marriage, they would have divorced if they hadn't gained a deeper understanding of the opposite sex. 9 Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started out loving each other, but after years of increasing frustration and disappointment they lost their passion and decided to give up. Before getting a divorce, however, they attended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, "We have tried everything to make this relationship work. We are just too different." During the seminar they were amazed to learn that their differences were not only normal but were to be expected. They were comforted that other couples had experienced the same patterns of relating. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained a totally new understanding of men and women. 10 They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously changed. No longer heading toward a divorce, they looked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jim said, "This information about our differences has given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could ever receive. We are loving each other again." Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new home and family, they still love each other. They were still dunking me for helping them to understand each other and stay married. Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, how different is still undefined for most people. Many books in the last ten years have forged ahead, attempting to define these differences. Though important advances have been made, many books are one-sided and unfortunately reinforce mistrust and resentment toward the opposite sex. One sex is generally viewed as being victimized by the other. A definitive guide was needed for understanding how healthy men and women are different. 11 To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. As a result of questioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationship seminars I have been able to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explore these differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down. Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support. With this new awareness, you will, I hope, go beyond the suggestions in this book and continue to develop ways in which you can relate lovingly to the opposite sex. 12 All of the principles in this book have been tested and tried. At least 90 percent of the more than 25,000 individuals questioned have enthusiastically recognized themselves in these descriptions. If you find yourself nodding your head while reading this book, saying, "Yes, yes this is me you're talking about," then you are definitely not alone. And just as others have benefited from applying the insights in this book, you can as well. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus reveals new strategies for reducing tension in relationships and creating more love by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. It then offers practical suggestions about how to reduce frustration and disappointment and to create increasing happiness and intimacy. Relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict. 13 So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, but when there is tension they do not know what to do to make things better. Through understanding how completely different men and women are, you will learn new ways. for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite sex. You will learn how to create the love you deserve. As you read this book you may wonder how anybody succeeds in having a successful relationship without it. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships in the 1990s. It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment. 14 This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them. Most important, throughout this book you will learn practical techniques for solving the problems that arise from our differences. This book is not just a theoretical analysis of psychological differences but also a practical manual for how to succeed in creating loving relationships. 15 The truth of these principles is self-evident and can be validated by your own experience as well as by common sense. Many examples will simply and concisely express what you have always intuitively known. This validation will assist you in being you and in not losing yourself in your relationships. In response to these insights, men often say, "This is exactly how I am. Have you been following me around? I no longer feel like something is wrong with me." Women often say, "Finally my husband listens to me. I don't have to fight to be validated. When you explain our differences, my husband understands. Thank you!" 16 These are but a few of the thousands of inspirational comments that people have shared after learning that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The results of this new program for understanding the opposite sex are not only dramatic and immediate but also long lasting. Certainly the journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times. Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentment and rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love, caring, and trust. The insights of this book are not a "quick fix" to eliminate all problems. Instead they provide a new approach whereby your relationships can successfully support you in solving life's problems as they arise. With this new awareness you will have the tools you need to get the love you deserve and to give your partner the love and support he or she deserves. 17 I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences. Sometimes in my seminar couples and individuals will share that they relate to the examples of men and women but in an opposite way. The man relates to my descriptions of women and the woman relates to my descriptions of men. I call this role reversal. If you discover you are experiencing role reversal, I want to assure you that everything is all right. I suggest that when you do not relate to something in this book, either ignore it (moving on to something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself. Many men have denied some of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing. Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living in a work force that rewards masculine attributes. If this is the case, then by applying the suggestions, strategies, and techniques in this book you not only will create more passion in your relationships but also will increasingly balance your masculine and feminine characteristics. 18 In this book I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women, and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex.) Although the benefits of applying the insights in this book are immediate, this book does not replace the need for therapy and counselling for troubled relationships or survivors of a dysfunctional family. Even healthy individuals may need therapy or counselling at challenging times. I believe strongly in the powerful and gradual transformation that occurs in therapy, marriage counselling, and twelve-step recovery groups. 19 Yet repeatedly I have heard people say that they have benefited more from this new understanding of relationships than from years of therapy. I however believe that their years of therapy or recovery work provided the groundwork that allowed them to apply these insights so successfully to their life and relationships. If our past was dysfunctional, then even after years of therapy or attending recovery groups we still need a positive picture of healthy relationships. This book provides that vision. On the other hand, even if our past has been very loving and nurturing, times have changed, and a new approach to relationships between the sexes is still required. It is essential to learn new and healthy ways of relating and communicating. 20 I believe everyone can benefit from the insights in this book. The only negative response I hear from participants in my seminars and in the letters I receive is "I wish someone had told me this before." It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a new way. Whether you are in therapy or not, if you want to have more fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex, this book is for you. It is a pleasure to share with you Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. May you always grow in wisdom and in love. May the frequency of divorce decrease and the number of happy marriages increase. Our children deserve a better world.

1 ＣＨＡＰＴＥＲ １ Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus. The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never felt before. The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together, doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they revelled in. their differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciating their different needs, preferences, and behaviour patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony. 2 Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of Earth's atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar kind of amnesia selective amnesia! Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict. 3 𝖱𝖤𝖬𝖤𝖬𝖡𝖤𝖱𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖮𝖴𝖱 𝖣𝖨𝖥𝖥𝖤𝖱𝖤𝖭𝖢𝖤𝖲 Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel." We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences. 4 Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict. Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained. 5 𝖠𝖭 𝖮𝖵𝖤𝖱𝖵𝖨𝖤𝖶 𝖮𝖥 𝖮𝖴𝖱 𝖣𝖨𝖥𝖥𝖤𝖱𝖤𝖭𝖢𝖤𝖲 Throughout this book I will discuss in great detail our differences. Each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. Here are the major differences that we will explore: In chapter 2 we will explore how men's and women's values are inherently different and try to understand the two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction. Through understanding our Martian Venusian background it becomes obvious why men and women unknowingly make these mistakes. By remembering these differences we can correct our mistakes and immediately respond to each other in more productive ways. 6 In chapter 3 we'll discover the different ways men and women cope with stress. While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them. You will learn new strategies for getting what you want at these conflicting times. We will explore how to motivate the opposite sex in chapter 4. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. We will discuss the three steps for improving relationships and explore how to overcome our greatest challenges: men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it. 7 In chapter 5 you'll learn how men and women commonly misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. A Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary is provided to translate commonly misunderstood expressions. You will learn how men and women speak and even stop speaking for entirely different reasons. Women will learn what to do when a man stops talking, and men will learn how to listen better without becoming frustrated. In chapter 6 you will discover how men and women have different needs for intimacy. A man gets close but then inevitably needs to pull away. Women will learn how to support this pulling-away process so he will spring back to her like a rubber band. Women also will learn the best times for having intimate conversations with a man. 8 We will explore in chapter 7 how a woman's loving attitudes rise and fall rhythmically in a wave motion. Men will learn how correctly to interpret these sometimes-sudden shifts of feeling. Men also will learn to recognize when they are needed the most and how to be skilfully supportive at those times without having to make sacrifices. In chapter 8 you'll discover how men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite sex needs. Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. You will discover the six most common ways you may unknowingly be turning off your partner. 9 In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid painful arguments. Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman's feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man's defences. The anatomy of an argument will be explored along with many practical suggestions for establishing supportive communication. Chapter 10 will show how men and women keep score differently. Men will learn that for Venusians every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift men are reminded that the little expressions of love are just as important; 101 ways to score points with women are listed. Women, however, will learn to redirect their energies into ways that score big with men by giving men what they want. 10 In chapter 11 you'll learn ways to communicate with each other during difficult times. The different ways men and women hide feelings are discussed along with the importance of sharing feelings. The Love Letter Technique is recommended for expressing negative feelings to your partner, as a way of finding greater love and forgiveness. You will understand why Venusians have a more difficult time asking for support in chapter 12, as well as why Martians commonly resist requests. You will learn how the phrases "could you" and "can you turn off men and what to say instead. You will learn the secrets for encouraging a man to give more and discover in various ways the power of being brief, direct, and using the correct wording. 11 In chapter 13 you'll discover the four seasons of love. This realistic perspective of how love changes and grows will assist you in overcoming the inevitable obstacles that emerge in any relationship. You will learn how your past or your partner's past can affect your relationship in the present and discover other important insights for keeping the magic of love alive. In each chapter of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you will discover new secrets for creating loving and lasting relationships. Each new discovery will increase your ability to have fulfilling relationships. 12 𝖦𝖮𝖮𝖣 𝖨𝖭𝖳𝖤𝖭𝖳𝖨𝖮𝖭𝖲 𝖠𝖱𝖤 𝖭𝖮𝖳 𝖤𝖭𝖮𝖴𝖦𝖧 Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after. But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant. 13 With the best and most loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost. We ask ourselves: How does it happen? Why does it happen? Why does it happen to us? To answer these questions our greatest minds have developed brilliant and complex philosophical and psychological models. Yet still the old patterns return. Love dies. It happens to almost everyone. 14 Each day millions of individuals are searching for a partner to experience that special loving feeling. Each year, millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50 percent are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting over. Very few people, indeed, are able to grow in love. Yet, it does happen. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. 15 Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts. By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And, more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about. Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

1 Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ ２ 𝖬𝗋. 𝖥𝗂𝗑-𝖨𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖧𝗈𝗆𝖾-𝖨𝗆𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖢𝗈𝗆𝗆𝗂𝗍𝗍𝖾𝖾 The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions. The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists-waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. 2 These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let's pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus-before the planets discovered one another or came to Earth-we can gain some insights into men and women. 𝚆𝙴 𝙾𝙽 𝙼𝙰𝚁𝚂 Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things. to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfilment primarily through success and accomplishment. 3 Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power. They don't read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, and racing cars. They are interested in the news, weather, and sports and couldn't care less about romance novels and self-help books. 4 They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals. Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence. 5 Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them. Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems. unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness. 6 However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is. an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honoured by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX-It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice. This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help. 7 He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. 8 He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution. 𝙻𝙸𝙵𝙴 𝙾𝙽 𝚅𝙴𝙽𝚄𝚂 Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfilment through sharing and relating. 9 Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned with living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars. They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes. 10 Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment. This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman's experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem. 11 Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient. On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master's degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants. 12 Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian. without being asked. Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she mists his ability to do it himself. 13 A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved. On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love. 14 Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression. When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

1 𝖦𝖨𝖵𝖤 𝖴𝖯 𝖦𝖨𝖵𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖠𝖣𝖵𝖨𝖢𝖤 Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most. For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset. 2 From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help." From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!" Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help. 3 Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note. After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust. 4 Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother. For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If I can't be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism. 5 𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙽 Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. So many times woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased. 6 For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day. She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself." Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do," Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice." Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do." Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today." 7 Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand." Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me." Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy." Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?" Tom says, "I am listening." Mary says, "Why do I even bother?" After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn't work. 8 Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings. Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen. 9 When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this: Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for myself." Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds like you had a hard day." Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know what to do." Tom pauses and then says, " "Hmmm." Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt." Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no." 10 Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad." Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug." Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better." Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. 11 To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships: A. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. B. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism. 12 𝙸𝙽 𝙳𝙴𝙵𝙴𝙽𝚂𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝙼𝚁. 𝙵𝙸𝚇-𝙸𝚃 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙷𝙾𝙼𝙴-𝙸𝙼𝙿𝚁𝙾𝚅𝙴𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙸𝚃𝚃𝙴𝙴 In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian. attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach. A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems, it is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed. 13 A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism especially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice. Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail. 14 𝖶𝖧𝖤𝖭 𝖠 𝖶𝖮𝖬𝖠𝖭 𝖱𝖤𝖲𝖨𝖲𝖳𝖲 𝖠 𝖬𝖠𝖭'𝖲 𝖲𝖮𝖫𝖴𝖳𝖨𝖮𝖭𝖲 When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens. By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing. 15) Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist: 1. "You shouldn't worry so much." 2. "But that is not what I said." 3. "It's not such a big deal." 4. "OK, I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it." 5. "Why don't you just do it?" 6. "But we do talk." 7. "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant." 8. "So what are you trying to say?" 9. "But you shouldn't feel that way." 10. "How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time." 11." OK, then just forget it." 12. "All right, I'll dean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?" 13. "1 got it. This is what you should do." 14. "Look, there's nothing we can do about it." 15. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don't do it." 16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them." 17. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce." 18. "All right, then you can do it from now on." 19. "From now on, I will handle it." 20. "Of course I care about you. That's ridiculous.". 21. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we have to do is... 23. That's not at all what happened." 16) Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step. By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

1💜 𝚆𝙷𝙴𝙽 𝙰 𝙼𝙰𝙽 𝚁𝙴𝚂𝙸𝚂𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙷𝙾𝙼𝙴-𝙸𝙼𝙿𝚁𝙾𝚅𝙴𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙸𝚃𝚃𝙴𝙴 When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops. trusting him. At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request. 2💙 Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled. 1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one." 2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots" 3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't it?" 4. "There's a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around." 5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?" 6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off." 7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost." 8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do." 9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations?" 10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. 3💜 11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up>" 12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it." 13. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket." 14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews." 15. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.) 16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle." 17. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example." 18. Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart." 19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time." 20. "You should give me more [advance] notice. I can't just drop everything and go to lunch with you." 4💙 21. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants." 22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?" 23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You should organize it." When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step. 5💜 By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself. If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you. 6💙 If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you. Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ ３ 𝖬𝖾𝗇 𝖦𝗈 𝗍𝗈 𝖳𝗁𝖾𝗂𝗋 𝖢𝖺𝗏𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖶𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗇 𝖳𝖺𝗅𝗄 One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are different from a woman's He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let's look at a common example. 7💜 When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them. His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment. 8💙 Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. You probably can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary's but is present in almost every relationship. 9💜 Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much they loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite sex. Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn't want to. 10💙 These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let's again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women. 𝖢𝖮𝖯𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖶𝖨𝖳𝖧 𝖲𝖳𝖱𝖤𝖲𝖲 𝖮𝖭 𝖬𝖠𝖱𝖲 𝖠𝖭𝖣 𝖵𝖤𝖭𝖴𝖲 When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend's assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. 11💜 If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain. When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way. 12💙 On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted. A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his. cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today. 13💜 𝖥𝖨𝖭𝖣𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖱𝖤𝖫𝖨𝖤𝖥 𝖨𝖭 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖢𝖠𝖵𝖤 When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background. At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5. percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again. 14💙 However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success. Let's explore in greater detail a few examples. Jim commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world's problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again. 15💜 Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems. For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

1 𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝚆𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙽 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙲𝚃 𝚃𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙲𝙰𝚅𝙴 When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to accept him at these times because she doesn't know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn't talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn't care about her because he isn't talking to her. Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her. 2 To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman's feelings to always be rational and logical. When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems. too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.. 3 She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. On the other hand, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings. Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings: 4💙 1. When she says "You don't listen," he says "What do you mean I don't listen. I can tell you everything you said." When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention. 5💜 2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I'm not here? Of course I am here. Don't you see my body?" He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn't say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn't feel his full presence, and that is what she means. 6💙 3. When she says "You don't care about me," he says "Of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?" He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for. 7💜 4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That's ridiculous. Of course you are important." He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn't realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores the problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant. 8💙 5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What's wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?" He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition he doesn't recognize the validity of her feelings Men generally don't realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others. 9💜 To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt. 10 𝖥𝖨𝖭𝖣𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖱𝖤𝖫𝖨𝖤𝖥 𝖳𝖧𝖱𝖮𝖴𝖦𝖧 𝖳𝖠𝖫𝖪𝖨𝖭𝖦 When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset. As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed. 11 To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems. 12 Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn't feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress. 𝖧𝖮𝖶 𝖬𝖤𝖭 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖢𝖳 𝖶𝖧𝖤𝖭 𝖶𝖮𝖬𝖤𝖭 𝖭𝖤𝖤𝖣 𝖳𝖮 𝖳𝖠𝖫𝖪 When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn't know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. 13 Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen. 14 If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn't feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated. On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the more upset she becomes. He doesn't realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs. him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well. 14 Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain: "I'm not getting paid enough at work." "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker." "Our house just isn't big enough." "This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain. "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account." 15 A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner-unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better. Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and becomes impatient. Again he doesn't realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding. 16 In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems. Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. If he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems. 17 Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this build-up, but a man can be easily frustrated. The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn't have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen. 18 𝖧𝖮𝖶 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖬𝖠𝖱𝖳𝖨𝖠𝖭𝖲 𝖠𝖭𝖣 𝖵𝖤𝖭𝖴𝖲𝖨𝖠𝖭𝖲 𝖥𝖮𝖴𝖭𝖣 𝖯𝖤𝖠𝖢𝖤 The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn't have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm. 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙸𝙰𝙽𝚂 𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙽𝙴𝙳 The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusians really thrived on talking about problems. 19 Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian's need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems. Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking about problems. 20 After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper. Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may need to. be in his cave and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a competitive sport. 21 𝖶𝖧𝖠𝖳 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖵𝖤𝖭𝖴𝖲𝖨𝖠𝖭𝖲 𝖫𝖤𝖠𝖱𝖭𝖤𝖣 The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn't love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress. The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered that by asking for the Martians' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention. 22 When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians. thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves.

1 Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ ４ How to Motivate the Opposite Sex Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living in their separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivated them eventually to come together. Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men and women are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equipped to support your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let's go back in time and pretend to witness what happened. 2 When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went to their caves for a long time. They were stuck and couldn't come out, until one day when a Martian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quickly shared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and their depression. miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their caves and began budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus. When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talking with one another about their problems. But this didn't seem to relieve the depression. They stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strong and wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, and support them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depression lifted, and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians. 3 These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give. Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well. 4 𝖶𝖧𝖤𝖭 𝖠 𝖬𝖠𝖭 𝖫𝖮𝖵𝖤𝖲 𝖠 𝖶𝖮𝖬𝖠𝖭 A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his cave and unable to find the source of his depression, he was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightning, in one glorious moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace. He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse his life had new meaning. His depression lifted. 5 Martians have a win/lose philosophy-I want to win, and I don't care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themselves. In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis I not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him to return my shots. I enjoy winning even though my friend loses. 6 Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful. in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win. 𝖣𝗂𝖿𝖿𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾𝗌 𝖠𝗍𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍 After the first Martian fell in love, he began manufacturing telescopes for all his brother Martians. Very quickly they all came out of their depressions. They too began to feel love for the Venusians. They started to care about the Venusians as much as themselves. 7 The strange and beautiful Venusians were mysterious attraction to the Martians. Their differences especially attracted the Martians Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to complement each other. In an unspoken language the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fulfil filling a void deep within our being. Together we could live in great happiness." This invitation motivated and empowered the Martians. 8 Many women instinctively understand how to give this message. In the beginning of a relationship, a woman gives a man a brief look that says you could he the one to make me happy. In this subtle way she actually initiates their relationship. This look encourages him to come closer. It empowers him to overcome his fears of having a relationship. Unfortunately, once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn't know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it. The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of the Venusians. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others. 9 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙈𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙨 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣𝙨 The Martians began building a fleet of spaceships that would carry them across the heavens to Venus. They had never felt so alive. Through glimpsing the Venusians, they were beginning to have unselfish feelings for the first time in their history. Similarly, when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways. 10 When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He is suddenly released from the binding chains of being motivated for himself alone and becomes free to give to another, not for personal gain, but out of caring. He experiences his partner's fulfilment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He is energized with a higher purpose. In his youth he can be satisfied by serving himself alone, but as he matures self-gratification is no longer as satisfying. To experience fulfilment he must begin to live his life motivated by love. Being inspired to give in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of self-gratification devoid of caring for others. Although he still needs to receive love, his greatest need is to give love. 11 Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfilment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesn't know why he is so depressed. At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn't know that he has stopped caring because he doesn't feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs. him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again. 12 When a man doesn't feel he is making a positive difference in someone else's life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝘼 𝙒𝙊𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀𝙎 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉 A woman falling in love with a man is similar to what took place when the first Venusian believed that the Martians were coming. She dreamed that a fleet of spaceships from the heavens would land and a race of strong and caring Martians would emerge. These beings would not need nurturing but instead wanted to provide for and take care of the Venusians. 13 These Martians were very devoted and were inspired by the Venusian beauty and culture. The Martians recognized that their power and competence were meaningless without someone to serve. These wondrous and admirable beings had found relief and inspiration in the promise of serving, pleasing, and fulfilling the Venusians. What a miracle! Other Venusians had similar dreams and instantly came out of their depressions. The realization that transformed the Venusians was the belief that help was on the way because the Martians were coming. The Venusians had been depressed because they felt isolated and alone. To come out of depression they needed to feel that loving help was on the way. 14 Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When al woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men don't realize this because their Martian instincts tell them it's best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen. 15 Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn't have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.. 𝙀𝙣𝙙𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙂𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙄𝙨 𝙏𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 To deal with their depression the Venusians were busy sharing their feelings and talking about their problems. As they talked they discovered the cause of their depression. They were tired of giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling responsible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They were tired of sharing everything with others. They wanted to be special and possess things that were their own. No longer were they satisfied being martyrs and living for others. 16 On Venus, they lived by lose/win philosophy-"I lose so that you can win." As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But after doing this for centuries the Venusians were fired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They also were ready for a win/win philosophy. Similarly, many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first. They want someone to provide emotional support, someone they don 't 'have to take care of. The Martians fit the bill perfectly. 17 At this point the Martians were learning to give while the Venusians were now ready to learn how to receive. After centuries the Venusians and Martians had reached an important stage in their evolution. The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn how to give. This same change commonly takes place in men and women as they mature. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mould herself to fulfil her partner's needs. In a man's younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can better serve and respect others. 18 As a man matures he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants. 𝙂𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙐𝙥 𝘽𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚 When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. 19 Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not blame her partner. Similarly, man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesn't ask for it, listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares. 20 Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner's perfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesn't offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

1 𝙎𝙀𝙏𝙏𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙍𝙀𝙎𝙋𝙀𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙇𝙄𝙈𝙄𝙏𝙎 Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives. Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty-nine and his wife, Susan, was forty-one when they came for counselling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six-month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children' 2 🆂🆃🅴🅿 1: 🅼🅾🆃🅸🆅🅰🆃🅸🅾🅽 I explained to Jim that his wife was experiencing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship. Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and felt that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan felt understood, they were able to proceed to the next step. 3 🆂🆃🅴🅿 2: 🆁🅴🆂🅿🅾🅽🆂🅸🅱🅸🅻🅸🆃🆈 The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries. Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems. As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits. 4 🆂🆃🅴🅿 3: 🅿🆁🅰🅲🆃🅸🅲🅴 Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced: Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or I will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore. 5 When Jim would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, I need to relax" or "No, I'm too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. 6 When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I'm not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less. Susan's most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all I have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. 7 Jim's most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice. As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behaviour patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman sets limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more. 8 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐈𝐕𝐄 Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs, or wishes. A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported. 9 Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfil her needs, and then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness. 10 "Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is. especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy. 11 𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙑𝙀𝙉𝙐𝙎𝙄𝘼𝙉𝙎 𝙇𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙉 𝙏𝙊 𝙁𝙀𝙀𝙇 𝙒𝙊𝙍𝙏𝙃𝙔 For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support. This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive it. 12 Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiving love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She doesn't have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother. If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and feeling her mother. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive. The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving, they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also went through a transformation and began building spaceships. 13 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙑𝙀𝙉𝙐𝙎𝙄𝘼𝙉 𝙄𝙎 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙔 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙏𝙄𝘼𝙉 𝙒𝙄𝙇𝙇 𝘼𝙋𝙋𝙀𝘼𝙍 When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of over-giving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can't trust you. I am too tired, I have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again." Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don't have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more. 14 Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his cave and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is taken-he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change. It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again. The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In chapter 11, I will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentments. 15 Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to receive, the Martians were ready to give. 𝙇𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙊 𝙂𝙄𝙑𝙀 A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn't care about anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid. 16 Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful. because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed. They were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough. A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It generates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn't try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. 17 Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most. When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say, "I don't care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians. 18 Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson rise to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough. 𝙄𝙩 𝙄𝙨 𝙊𝙆 𝙩𝙤 𝙈𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙈𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn't have to have all the answers. 19 I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day, however, she happened to say that she was so happy to be with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared. 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣𝙨 𝙉𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙏𝙤𝙤 Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don't get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfil others. 20 A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best. 21 He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her. Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

1 You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted! A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?" 2 If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard. 3 Because many men don't understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner's feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙑𝙀𝙉𝙐𝙎𝙄𝘼𝙉𝙎 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond. 4 You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request. In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved. 5 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙑𝙚𝙣𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙖𝙣/𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙣 𝙋𝙝𝙧𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙮 We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out." Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring." 6 "Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I'm sure some people see me, but they don't seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?" Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even if you don't notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way." 7 "I am so tired, I can't do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support.. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest?" Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can't do anything a man may hear "I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake." 8 "I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me 'What's the matter? and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understand the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things." Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don't want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job." 9 "This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don't expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?" Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear "This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don't want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!" 10 "No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say. "Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: 'Tell me more' or '"That's right' or 'I know what you mean' or 'I understand. Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: 'oh, ''humph,' 'uh-huh, and hmmm. (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.) 11 Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad." "Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good." 12 Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can't trust you. If I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse." "You don't love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good." 13 Without this translation, when a woman says "You don't love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing." "We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don't like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody's fault and I certainly don't blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care. 14 "Would you empathize with me and say something like, 'It is hard always rushing around. I don't always like rushing either.' Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you." 15 "I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lets take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone. without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced." Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have been with." 16 After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn't need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express themselves more fully. That's the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to remember that! 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙏𝙄𝘼𝙉𝙎 𝘿𝙊𝙉'𝙏 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. 17 Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn't hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding. You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes. 18 But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all. Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don't know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because I don't care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding." 19 𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙃𝙞𝙨 𝙎𝙞𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst-"He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don't deserve to be loved." When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet! 20 When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph." Without these reassuring responses, man's silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to respond to it. 21 𝙐𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝘾𝙖𝙫𝙚 Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine. This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn't seem loving to abandon her favorite Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help. 22 In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he is a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians more. She instinctively wants to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive. Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react. 23 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙂𝙤 𝙄𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝘾𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙨 Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons. 1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem. 2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, I don't have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing. just that when he becomes quiet. 24💙 3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret. 4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again. 25 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙏𝙖𝙡𝙠 Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk: 1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.) 2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.) 26💜 3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.) 4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.) Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.

1 𝙂𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝘽𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙤𝙣 It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he would come back. But most importantly they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave. 2 Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven't understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. When a man withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn't understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it. She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering. you, what is it?" He says "It's nothing." 3 She asks "It's not nothing. Something's bothering you. What are you feeling?" He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!" She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don't love me. I feel so rejected by you." At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙏𝙄𝘼𝙉𝙎 𝘿𝙊 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in his cave or on his way to the cave. When asked "What's the matter? a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I am OK." 4 These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and I need some time to be alone, men just become quiet. In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner: 5 𝙎𝙄𝙓 𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙈𝙊𝙉 𝘼𝘽𝘽𝙍𝙀𝙑𝙄𝘼𝙏𝙀𝘿 𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙎𝙄𝙂𝙉𝘼𝙇𝙎 When a woman asks "What's the matter?" 💙A Man Says: _"I'm OK" or "It's OK." _"I'm fine" or "It's fine." _"It's nothing." _"It's all right" or "I'm all right." _"It's no big deal." _"It's no problem." _"I know something's wrong. What is it?" 6 💜A Woman Responds: _"But you seem upset. Let's talk." _"I want to help. I know something is bothering you. What is it?" _"Are you sure? I am happy to help you." _"But something is upsetting you. I think we should talk." _"But it is a problem. I could help." When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance, women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions. 7 Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself." Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary. 8 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣/𝙑𝙚𝙣𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙋𝙝𝙧𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙮 I'm OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I don't need any help, thank you." Without this translation, when he says "I am OK" she may hear "I am not upset because I do not care" or she may hear -I am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. I do not trust you to be there for me.' 9 "I'm fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my upset or problem. I don't need any help. If I do I will ask." Without this translation, when he says "I am fine she may hear "I don't care about what has happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don't care." 10 "It's nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it." Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don't know what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants to be left alone. 11 "It's all right" translated into Venusian means 'This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. Just act like it didn't happen and I can process it within myself more effectively." Without this translation, when he says "It's all right" she may hear This is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and I can abuse you" or she hears "It's all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don't do it. again or else. 12 "It's no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because I can make things. work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it." Without this translation, when he says "It's no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don't overreact." 13 "It's no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you." Without this translation, when he says "It's no problem" she may hear This is not a problem. Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him why it is a problem. 14 Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is. the opposite of what she hears. 𝙒𝙃𝘼𝙏 𝙏𝙊 𝘿𝙊 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙃𝙀 𝙂𝙊𝙀𝙎 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙊 𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝘾𝘼𝙑𝙀 In my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can. shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes. 15 Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves of the time I spend in the cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.) 16 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙃𝙞𝙨 𝘾𝙖𝙫𝙚 1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing. . Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions. 3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings. 4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out. 5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him. 6. Do something that makes you happy. 17 If you need to "talk," write him a letter to be read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment. A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem. 18 Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn't seem right. He certainly doesn't want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out. 19 Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases such as "Don't worry, you can handle it" or "That's their problem, not yours" or "I'm sure it will work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles. It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her concerns. This only made her more upset. 20 When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave. Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some examples: Read a book Listen to music Work in the garden Exercise Get a massage Have something delicious to eat Watch TV or a video Call a girlfriend for a good chat Write in a journal Go shopping Pray or meditate Go for a walk Take a bubble bath See a therapist 21 The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do something enjoyable. It was hard to conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique. When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like I have to apologize to my Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into. my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving. 22 She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some time together. Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being pushy or demanding.

1 𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙏𝙊 𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙈𝙐𝙉𝙄𝘾𝘼𝙏𝙀 𝙎𝙐𝙋𝙋𝙊𝙍𝙏 𝙏𝙊 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙏𝙄𝘼𝙉 Even when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don't like unsolicited advice or empathy. They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman communicates in a way that says, "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help." Learning to support men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man to give more by directly asking for support-without being critical or offering advice. In addition, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can simply and directly tell him that she doesn't like his behavior, without casting judgment that he is wrong or bad. 2 𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝘼𝙥𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 𝙒𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝘾𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙞𝙨𝙢 𝙤𝙧 𝘼𝙙𝙫𝙞𝙘𝙚 Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don't know how to approach a man with. criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly? What if he's a nice guy but you see he's got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that makes him look like a jerk and that's causing him trouble In relationships with others? What should I do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me." The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead, she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support. 3 In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are four possible approaches: 1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn't want the way he dresses without giving him a lecture on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don't like that shirt on you. Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I'm sorry-I didn't mean to tell you how to dress." 4💙 2. If he is that sensitive-and some men are-then she could try talking about it at another time. She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I didn't like that combination. Would you try wearing it with your grey slacks?" 3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn't want any more mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities. 5💜 4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don't know how to say it. [Pause.] I don't want to offend you, but I also really want to say it. Would you listen and then suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal. Let's explore another example. If she doesn't like his table manners and they are alone, she could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?" 6 If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and then share your feelings. Don't tell him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong, instead share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, I didn't like it when you were so loud. When I'm around, would you try to keep it down?" If he gets upset and doesn't like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical. This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters 9 and 12. In addition, the best times for having these conversations are explored in the next chapter. 7 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 𝘿𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙉𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙃𝙚𝙡𝙥 A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a problem. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle his problems. He may feel controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him. This doesn't mean that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be nurturing only if he directly asks for it. 8 A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice or help unless specifically approached and asked. In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult. 9 When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved and cared for. When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She explained to me that before sex she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture by me on the secrets of great sex. She didn't realize this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the tapes, he didn't want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He wanted her to trust that he knew what to do! 10 While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What's the matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What's the matter, honey?" he may feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle things. It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you." She then feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show their trust. 10 𝙏𝙤𝙤 𝙈𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝘾𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙄𝙨 𝙎𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar, she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left. Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never missed a plane. Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do you know where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but I felt mistrusted and annoyed. Eventually I let her know that I appreciated her loving intention but that I didn't like being mothered in this way. 11 I shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way I wanted to be mothered was to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me I told you so.' Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted, instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me. 𝘼 𝙎𝙪𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙎𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, John, you have such adventures. What are you going to do? 12 I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem. 𝙈𝘼𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙏𝙇𝙀 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙉𝙂𝙀𝙎 One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no problem." It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" I didn't actually know right away. After a while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new awareness I started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter. 13 𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙏𝙊 𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙈𝙐𝙉𝙄𝘾𝘼𝙏𝙀 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃𝙊𝙐𝙏 𝘽𝙇𝘼𝙈𝙀 A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman's feelings, especially when she is upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn't understand how we are different, he doesn't readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings. He mistakenly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don't understand the (Venusian) needs to share upset feelings with the people they love. 14 With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening. She could say some of the following comments: "I'm sure glad I can talk about it." "It sure feels good to talk about it." "I'm feeling so relieved that I can talk about this." "I'm sure glad I can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better." "Well, now that I've talked about it, I feel much better. Thank you." This simple change can make a world of difference. 15 In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her life to come home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she really appreciates how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could mention that she is glad she has his help. 𝙎𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙍𝙚𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him. 16 For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. I said, "I'm almost done. How was your day?" She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or 1 would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created tension. The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You're right, we have been really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It's been a long day." 17 She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she was. After a few minutes she paused. I then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax and meditate before dinner. She said, "Really, you'll take the babysitter home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she gave me the appreciation and acceptance I needed to feel like a successful partner, even when she was tired and exhausted. 18 Women don't think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard. He doesn't know. When she is talking about problems, he needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated. Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping. 19 A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference. 𝙁𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙈𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙘 𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 The four magic words to support a man are "It's not your fault." When a woman is expressing her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I'm saying it's your fault, that's not what I mean. It's not your fault." 20 A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems. Just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going through. As I listened I kept remembering that to support my sister I didn't have to give her any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and occasionally saying things like "uh-huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you, John. I feel so much better." 21 It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming someone else. I find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes much easier to be a good listener. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝘿𝙤 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙁𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙇𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝘽𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as she truly is not blaming him, disapproving of him, or criticizing him. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully approach him to share her feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore in greater detail how to communicate difficult feelings. 22 𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙇𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙒𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝘽𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication. Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don't have any fun anymore. You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him. If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me." 23 Instead I suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all my fault that we don't have more fun?" Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don't have any fun. Are you saying that it is all my fault?" In addition, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?" 24 Or he could say "When you say we don't have any fun and that I am so serious, I feel like you are saying it is all my fault. Are you?" All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I'm not saying it's all your fault" he will probably feel somewhat relieved. 25 Another approach that I find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be upset and that once she gets it out, she will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if I can listen without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it. 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘼𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙇𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman's feelings correctly, communication becomes easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get home, I will generally. seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening. 26 If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not misunderstand her. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. As I continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things bothering her. Gradually I start to see that I am not solely responsible for her upset. After a while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving. 27 Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn't a good time for me. Let's talk later." Sometimes a man doesn't realize that he can't listen until she begins talking. If he becomes very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue-he'll just become increasingly upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think I need some time to think about what you have just said." 28 As Bonnie and I have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and understand each other's needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this same transformation in thousands of individuals and couples. Relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people's innate differences. When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.

1 🅲🅷🅰🅿🆃🅴🆁 6 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙇𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙍𝙪𝙗𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝘽𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙨 Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle. 2 Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her. Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own. 3 A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again. 𝙒𝙃𝘼𝙏 𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍𝙔 𝙒𝙊𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝙎𝙃𝙊𝙐𝙇𝘿 𝙆𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝘼𝘽𝙊𝙐𝙏 𝙈𝙀𝙉 If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood it creates unnecessary problems. Let's explore an example. 4 Maggie was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, Jeff, had been dating for six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to distance himself emotionally. Maggie could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away. She told me, "One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn't even want to talk to me. I have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems so distant. I don't know what I did wrong. Am I so awful?" When Jeff pulled away, Maggie took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things "right again," but the more she tried to get close to Jeff the more he pulled away. 5 After taking my seminar Maggie was so relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately disappeared. Most importantly, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jeff pulled away it was not her fault. In addition she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully to deal with it. Months later at another seminar, Jeff thanked me for what Maggie had learned. He told me they were now engaged to be married. Maggie had discovered a secret that few women know about men. Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it. 6 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 𝙄𝙨 𝙎𝙪𝙙𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙏𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢𝙚𝙙 If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love. In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring. 7 Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. His whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire to love and be loved have been reawakened. This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of re-acquaintance. If she doesn't understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. 8 Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy-especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not. 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙋𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝘼𝙬𝙖𝙮 Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she doesn't realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy. 9 For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jeff was strong and full of desire. His rubber band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her. As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt wonderful. But after a brief period a change took place. Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man's desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved. 10 Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he feels a need to pull away. 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙋𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙘 As Jeff instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Maggie (or to himself), Maggie reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to re-establish intimacy. She is afraid he will never come back. 11 To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn't know what she did to turn him off. She doesn't know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what's the matter, he doesn't have a clear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He just continues to distance her even more. 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝘿𝙤𝙪𝙗𝙩 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jeff from finding his passion, Maggie could easily assume that Jeff didn't love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jeff would lose touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved Maggie. 12 After learning to let Jeff have his distance or "space," Maggie discovered that he did come back. She practiced not running after him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come back. As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted this part of Jeff. The more she just accepted him at those times the sooner he would return. As Jeff began to understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeffs success was that they understood and accepted that men are like rubber bands. 13 𝙃𝙊𝙒 𝙒𝙊𝙈𝙀𝙉 𝙈𝙄𝙎𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙋𝙍𝙀𝙏 𝙈𝙀𝙉 Without an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it Is very easy for women to misinterpret a man's reactions. A common confusion arises when she says "Let's talk" and immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint "Every time I want to talk, he pulls away. I feel like he doesn't care about me." She mistakenly concludes that he doesn't ever want to talk to her. This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk. 14 To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to re-establish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet autonomous. Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of "I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while. 15 Just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.

1 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙋𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝘼𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙂𝙚𝙩 𝘾𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons. 1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to re-establish their intimate connection and say "Let's talk." As he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn't want to talk or that he doesn't care for her. 2💙 2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man's need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away. It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does. often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about things with feeling a man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away. 3 It is not that he doesn't want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙏𝙊 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉 When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk. 4 At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women generally don't initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons: 1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to listen. 5💜 2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn't need to talk about his upset feelings because he is not upset. 3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn't want to be rude and just begin talking. To be polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he doesn't want to have a conversation with her. 6 With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women are frustrated with men. 𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙏𝙊 𝙂𝙀𝙏 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝙏𝙊 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, gradually he will have more to say. 7 A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don't know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don't talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open up and share how he relates to what she has shared. For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he doesn't feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up. 8 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙋𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙏𝙖𝙡𝙠 A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talks, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has something to say he will resist because he feels her demand. It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn't feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and. doesn't feel the need to talk as much. 9 She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn't love when To reject a man for not talking is to ensure that he has nothing to say. A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel accepted when she wants him to talk more or resent him for pulling away. A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more. 10 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙄𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙖 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to talk is not the best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she can get him to talk a better question might be "How can I achieve greater intimacy, conversation, and communication with my partner? If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away. 11 When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should even discourage him from talking. For example, Maggie could say "Jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I've had a hard day and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more. 12 Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn't realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being appreciated. for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝙒𝙊𝙉'𝙏 𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙆 Sandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry wanted to make things work. 13 She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn't love me. He doesn't feel anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he has withheld his feelings. I am not willing to forgive him. I will not stay in this marriage. I am too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable." Sandra didn't know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her husband's fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years. 14 After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she had contributed to their problem. She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage I would open up, talk about my feelings, and he would just walk away. I thought he didn't love me. After that happened a few times, I gave up. I was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be able to listen to my feelings. I didn't give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. I wanted him to open up before I would." 15 One-sided Conversations Sandra's conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by asking him a string of questions. Then, before she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers. When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was not open, loving, and sharing. A one-sided conversation might go like this: SANDRA: How was your day? LARRY: OK SANDRA: What happened? LARRY The usual. SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend? LARRY I don't care. What do you want to do? SANDRA: Do you want to invite our friends over? LARRY: I don't know. Do you know where the TV schedule is? SANDRA: (upset) Why don't you talk to me? LARRY: (Stunned and silent.) SANDRA: Do you love me? LARRY: Of course I love you. I married you. SANDRA: How could you love me? We never talk any more. How can you just sit there and say nothing. Don't you care? 16 At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin. another one-sided interrogation of her husband's feelings. After twenty years of gathering evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy. 17 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙀𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙊𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙒𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙃𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. I wanted him to open up and be vulnerable. I didn't realize that what I was missing was a man who would support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now I know nothing is wrong with him or me. We just didn't know how to support each other." Sandra had always complained that Larry didn't talk. She had convinced herself that his silence made intimacy impossible. At the seminar she learned to share her feelings without expecting or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it. It made him a better listener. 18 Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to listen to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share more automatically. When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn't feel rejected for not sharing more, he will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn't have to talk more, then naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is forgetting that men are from Mars! 19 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝘿𝙊𝙀𝙎𝙉'𝙏 𝙋𝙐𝙇𝙇 𝘼𝙒𝘼𝙔 Lisa and Jim had been married for two years. They did everything together. They were never apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental. In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. I have tried everything to cheer him up, but it doesn't work. I want to do fun things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and dancing, but he doesn't. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and work. I try to love him, but I am angry.. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with him now is like living with a slug. I don't know what to do. He just won't budge!" 20 After learning about the male intimacy cycle-the rubber band theory-both Lisa and Jim realized what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to spend more time apart. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife. 21 Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa why she had spent so much time with Jim. She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time I went shopping and he got really upset with me.' Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn't upset with you. I was upset about losing some money in a business deal. I actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good I felt having the whole house to myself. I didn't dare tell you that because I thought it would hurt your feelings.' Lisa said, "I thought you didn't want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant." 22 𝘽𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙈𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙄𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙩 With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim. Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and get more support from her girlfriends she was much happier, She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much from him. Having a beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was also smothering him.. 23 Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been wanting to do. One night she went out to the cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a play. Another night she went to a birthday bowling party. 𝙎𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙮 𝙖 𝙈𝙞𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙡𝙚 What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more attentive and interested in her. Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his motivation back. 24 In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. I feel loved... when Lisa comes home she is happy to see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to 'feel' again. I had almost forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing I did was good enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me questions." Lisa said, "I realized I was blaming him for my unhappiness. As I took responsibility for my happiness, I experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It's like a miracle. " 25 𝙊𝘽𝙎𝙏𝙍𝙐𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙄𝙈𝘼𝘾𝙔 𝘾𝙔𝘾𝙇𝙀 There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner's natural intimacy cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him from pulling away: 26 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙎𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘽𝙀𝙃𝘼𝙑𝙄𝙊𝙍𝙎 1. Physical When he pulls away, she physically follows him. He may walk into another room and she follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that she can be with her partner. 2. Emotional When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about him. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise. 27 Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back. Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for his intimacy and he feels controlled. 3. Mental She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt-inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What's wrong with you?" or "Don't you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?" 28 Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please him. She becomes overly accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants. She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset him. 29 The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man's intimacy cycle is to punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her: 30 𝙋𝙐𝙉𝙄𝙎𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘽𝙀𝙃𝘼𝙑𝙄𝙊𝙍𝙎 1. Physical When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection.. She may reject him sexually She doesn't allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or break things in order to show her displeasure. When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back when he has pulled away. 31💙 2. Emotional When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling her and gives up. When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at her partner in a certain wounded way. 32💜 3. Mental When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening up and talking. She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse. 33💙 When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the cave. 𝙃𝙊𝙒 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙉'𝙎 𝙋𝘼𝙎𝙏 𝙈𝘼𝙔 𝘼𝙁𝙁𝙀𝘾𝙏 𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙄𝙈𝘼𝘾𝙔 𝘾𝙔𝘾𝙇𝙀 This natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to pull away because he witnessed his mother's disapproval of his father's emotional distancing. Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create arguments to justify pulling away. 34💜 This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or overly dependent. He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his cave. He may think he doesn't like being alone because deep inside he is afraid of losing love. He has already experienced in childhood his mother rejecting his father or directly rejecting him. 36💙 While some men don't know how to pull away, others don't know how to get close. The macho man has no problem pulling away. He just can't come back and open up. Deep inside he may be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle. Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some men feel guilty needing to spend time in their caves or they may get confused when they start to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong, with them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men. 37💜 𝙒𝙄𝙎𝙀 𝙈𝙀𝙉 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙒𝙊𝙈𝙀𝙉 Men generally don't realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his female partner how she is feeling. He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back. He might say "I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time together with no distractions." Or if he starts to pull away while she is talking he might say "I need some time to think about this and then we can talk again." 38💙 When he returns to talk, she might probe him to understand why he left. If he's not sure, which is many times the case, he might say "I'm not sure. I just needed some time to myself. But let's continue our conversation." He is more aware that she needs to be heard and he needs to listen more when he is not pulling away. In addition, he knows that listening helps him to become aware of what he wants to share in a conversation. 39💜 To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that he truly listen to her. As her emphasis changes, the pressure on him is released. She learns to open up and share her feelings without demanding that he do the same. She trusts that he will gradually open up more as he feels accepted and listens to her feelings. She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings. This wise woman does not give up. She patiently and lovingly persists with a knowing that few women have.

1 🅲🅷🅰🅿🆃🅴🆁 7 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙇𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙒𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙨 A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches the bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up. When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning. 2 If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood. My wife, Bonnie, says this experience of "going down" is like going down into a dark well. When a woman goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feelings. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships. 3 A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs. more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands. 4 𝙃𝙊𝙒 𝙈𝙀𝙉 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘾𝙏 𝙏𝙊 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙒𝘼𝙑𝙀 When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. Life is filled with rhythms-day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. 5 A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He was shocked because he thought he was doing so well. 6 𝘿𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙏𝙧𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙁𝙞𝙭 𝙄𝙩 Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed. Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. 7 Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights." Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up. 8 When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support. 9 𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling any better. He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started getting even more upset. It seemed the more I listened the more upset she got. I told her she shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument." 10 Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle. 11 Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feels better in response to his assistance. 12 With this new insight, Bill was able to be more understanding and patient with Mary. After becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was no way to predict how long she would be upset; sometimes her well was deeper than at other times. 𝙍𝙀𝘾𝙐𝙍𝙍𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘾𝙊𝙉𝙑𝙀𝙍𝙎𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉𝙎 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝘼𝙍𝙂𝙐𝙈𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙎 When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved. 13 When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well." When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying: 1. "How many times do we have to go through this?" 2. "I've heard all this before." 3. "I thought we had established that." 4. "When are you going to get off it?" 5. "I don't want to deal with this again." 6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument." 7. "Why do you have so many problems?" 14 When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well. 𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙎𝙄𝙂𝙉𝙎 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙈𝙀𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙏 𝙎𝙃𝙀 𝙈𝘼𝙔 𝘽𝙀 𝙂𝙊𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙊 𝙃𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝙀𝙇𝙇 𝙊𝙍 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙎𝙃𝙀 𝙉𝙀𝙀𝘿𝙎 𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙈𝙊𝙎𝙏 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙁𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙨 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙈𝙖𝙮 𝙎𝙖𝙮 Overwhelmed "There is so much to do" insecure "I need more" resentful "I do everything" worried "But what about...?" confused "I don't understand why...?" 15 As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship. To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her ups and downs, but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature. 16 𝙐𝙉𝘿𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙉𝘿𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙉𝙀𝙀𝘿𝙄𝙉𝙀𝙎𝙎 During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. I remember reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so frustrated with her that we got in a big argument." Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. 17 This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside he felt relieved. After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again.. This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result they argued. 18 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙄𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal her. Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier for her to do her inner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was encouraged by the three following realizations. 19💜 1. A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her. 2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times. 20💙 3. A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding. 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝘼 𝙒𝙊𝙈𝘼𝙉 𝘿𝙊𝙀𝙎𝙉'𝙏 𝙁𝙀𝙀𝙇 𝙎𝘼𝙁𝙀 𝙄𝙉 𝙃𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝙀𝙇𝙇 This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is essential that she feels safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings. 21💜 When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or over caretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion. You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love. 22 When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings. 𝙀𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙃𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to grow more love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time. 23 Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. In chapter 11 we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with negative emotions. Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time. Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite is true. 24 When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work. One study revealed that a woman's self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's selfesteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty-eight days. 25 When a woman puts on her business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times. It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.

1 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙣 𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙖 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙒𝙚𝙡𝙡 A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years. He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater. The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not know the art of loving her through her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradually becomes repressed. 2 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙎𝙃𝙀'𝙎 𝙄𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙒𝙀𝙇𝙇 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙃𝙀'𝙎 𝙄𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘾𝘼𝙑𝙀 Harris said, "I tried everything I learned in the seminar. It was really working. We were so close. I felt like I was in heaven. Then suddenly my wife, Cathy, started complaining that I watched too much TV. She started treating me like I was a child. We got in a huge argument. I don't know what happened. We were doing so well." This is an example of what can happen when the wave and the rubber band occur around the same time. After taking the seminar, Harris had succeeded in giving more to his wife and family than ever. Cathy was delighted. She couldn't believe it. They had become closer than ever. Her wave was peaking. This lasted for a couple of weeks, and then Harris decided to stay up late one night and watch TV. His rubber band was starting to droop. He needed to pull away into his cave. 2 When he pulled away, Cathy was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She saw his pulling away as the end of her new experience of intimacy. The previous couple of weeks had been everything she had wanted, and now she thought she was going to lose it. Ever since she was a little girl this type of intimacy was her dream. His pulling away was a tremendous shock to her. To the vulnerable little girl within her it was an experience of giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. She became very upset. 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙑𝙚𝙣𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙇𝙤𝙜𝙞𝙘 By not fully trusting and opening up, Cathy had spent years protecting herself from being hurt. But during their two weeks of living in love she started to open up more than she ever had in her adult life. Harris's support had made it safe for her to get in touch with her old feelings. 3 Suddenly she began to feel the way she felt as a child when her father was too busy for her. Her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto Harris's watching TV. if these feelings had not come up, Cathy would have been able gracefully to accept Harris's wish to watch TV. Because her past feelings were coming up, she felt hurt when he watched TV. If given the chance to share and explore her hurt, deep feelings would have emerged. Cathy would have hit bottom, and then she would have felt significantly better. Once again, she would have been willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitably he temporarily pulls away. 4 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙁𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙂𝙚𝙩 𝙃𝙪𝙧𝙩 But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldn't be hurt. And the argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound. When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be hurt will make matters much worse. 5 Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to hear from him that she shouldn't be hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting. 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙈𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙁𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 Harris completely misunderstood Cathy's hurt reaction. He thought she was demanding that he give up TV forever. Cathy wasn't demanding that the Harris give up TV. She just wanted him to know how painful it was for her. 6 Women instinctively know that if only their pain can be heard then they can trust their partner to make whatever changes he can make. When Cathy shared her hurt, she just needed to be heard and then be reassured that he wasn't permanently reverting back to the old Harris, addicted to TV and emotionally unavailable. Certainly Harris deserved to watch TV, but Cathy deserved the right to be upset. She deserved to be heard, understood, and reassured. Harris was not wrong for watching TV, and Cathy was not wrong for being upset. 7 Because Harris did not understand Cathy's wave, he thought her reaction was unfair. He thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became irritable and thought, I can't be loving and intimate all the time! Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to gain the right to watch TV and live his life and be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She argued for the right to be hurt and upset. 8 𝙍𝙀𝙎𝙊𝙇𝙑𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘾𝙊𝙉𝙁𝙇𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙎 𝙏𝙃𝙍𝙊𝙐𝙂𝙃 𝙐𝙉𝘿𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙉𝘿𝙄𝙉𝙂 It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love. It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family without taking time to pull away and focus on himself. 9 When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years of being neglected. Their argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't talking to each other. By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free. 10 Cathy understood that Harris did not mean to invalidate her hurt feelings. In addition she understood that though he was pulling away he would be back and they would be able to experience intimacy again. She realized that their increased intimacy had triggered his need to pull away. She learned that her hurt feelings made him feel controlled, and he needed to feel she was not trying to tell him what he could do. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝘿𝙤 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙃𝙚 𝘾𝙖𝙣'𝙩 𝙇𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣 Harris asked, "What if I just can't listen and I need to be in my cave? Sometimes, I start to listen and I become furious." 11 I assured him that this is normal. When her wave crashes and she needs to be heard the most, sometimes his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she needs. He emphatically agreed and said, "Yes, that's right. When I want to pull away, she wants to talk." When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions can help: 12 𝙏𝙃𝙍𝙀𝙀 𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙋𝙎 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙎𝙐𝙋𝙋𝙊𝙍𝙏𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙃𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙃𝙀 𝙉𝙀𝙀𝘿𝙎 𝙏𝙊 𝙋𝙐𝙇𝙇 𝘼𝙒𝘼𝙔 1. Accept Your Limitations The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don't try to listen when you can't. 2. Understand Her Pain Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust you. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt. 13💙 3. Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance By understanding her hurt you won't make her wrong for being upset and in pain. Although you can't give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙃𝙚 𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝙎𝙖𝙮 𝙄𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙛 𝘼𝙧𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙣𝙜 There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was there anything wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now I really need to watch TV and relax. When I feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making her hurt feelings wrong. 14💜 She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting his needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she needs. When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out." For a man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away her hurt. 15 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝘿𝙤 𝙄𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙛 𝘼𝙧𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙣𝙜 In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?" What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back-when he is truly capable of supporting her. Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation. 16 Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other times when he could listen. When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support. Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner. 17 𝙃𝙊𝙒 𝙈𝙊𝙉𝙀𝙔 𝘾𝘼𝙉 𝘾𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙏𝙀 𝙋𝙍𝙊𝘽𝙇𝙀𝙈𝙎 Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain about how hard her life was. I could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have. successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now we want a divorce." Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unhappiness. It was easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she had a good reason to be upset-they didn't have a lot of money. 18 𝙈𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙮 𝘿𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙁𝙪𝙡𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙀𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙉𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared. But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her. 19 Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the richer they became the more they fought. When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This progression is natural, normal, and predictable. 20 𝘼 𝙒𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝𝙮 𝙒𝙤𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙉𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 𝙈𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙋𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝘽𝙚 𝙐𝙥𝙨𝙚𝙩 I remember reading this quote in an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband) do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any area of her life. A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her life could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. woman needs. 21 Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and understanding of her had been the source of her contentment. 𝙁𝙀𝙀𝙇𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙎 𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙄𝙈𝙋𝙊𝙍𝙏𝘼𝙉𝙏 If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process. 22 If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions. Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that works equally well for women and men. 23 When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is missing When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing 'in her life. Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down. into her well. 24 Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.