Jokes

School Jokes: 1. Teacher: "Where is your homework?" Student: "I lost it fighting this boy who said you weren't the best teacher in school. " Teacher: ... 2. On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked: "How much for a season pass?" 3. "Isn’t the principal an idiot!" said a boy to a girl. "Well, do you know who I am?"asked the girl. "No" replied the boy. "I’m the principal’s daughter," said the girl. "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No" she replied. "Thank God!" said the boy, and just walked away. 4. Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" 5. Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!” Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick: “What school?” 6. After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. 7. Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. " "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was. " The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 8. Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. 9. Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!" 10. Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not. " Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework. " 11. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! 12. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. 13. Teacher: "Do you have trouble making decisions?" Student: "Well... yes and no. " 14. The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk... You walk... The teacher interrupts him: Faster, please. The student: He runs. She runs ... 15. Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 16. Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?" Johnny: "2 o'watch. " 17. Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense. 18. The teacher asks a student: " Are 'pants' singular or plural?" Student: "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom. " 19. My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?" 20. The day of the oral exam: Teacher: Are you nervous? Student: No, I am not. I am single. Teacher: Is this your pencil? Student: Yes, I am a pencil. Teacher: What are you wearing? Student: I am fat. 21. On the phone: "Little Joey can't come to school today. " Principal: "Why?" "He is sick. " "Who is this?" "It's my dad. " 22. "I was born in California. " "Which part?" "All of me. " 23. Teacher to pupil: "Why do you always get so dirty?" "Well, it's just a guess, but I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. " 24. Teacher to the pupil: "You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?" "How did you know? "Tim's paper says 'I don't know' and you put 'Me neither'!" 25. A teacher asks the student: Did your father help your with your homework? Absolutely not, he did it all by himself. 26. "The teacher asks: "Why are you late, Joseph?" "Because of a sign down the road. " "What does a sign have to do with you being late?" "The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’" 27. "Little Johnny, explain to me what is the meaning of 'syntax'. " "It's the tax we pay when we go the the church?" 374 Teacher says: "Maria please point to America on the map. Well done. Now class, who found America?" Students: "Maria did. " 28. Teacher asks student: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO. " Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!" 29. Graduation speech: I would like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Office and most importantly, a special thank to copy-paste. 30. "No! I don't wanna go to school today!" "I know it's hard, honey... but you have to. " "Why?" "Because you are the only teacher available. " 31. Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a blank paper. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir. " Teacher: "Well, then where is the cow?" Student: "The cow was full and went away. " 32. Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly. " Student: "A dead bird, sir. " 33. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone... " 34. Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I’m going home now. 35. Teacher: What makes you see? Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears. Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose? Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!! 36. Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home. Student: I can't, I live just round the corner! 37. Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: How to write. Mother: That's great! What did you write? Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet! 38. Teacher: Why is your paper blank? Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer. 39. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. " The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!" 40. Teacher asks children: what do you wish to do in future? Jimmy: I want to be a pilot. Willy: I want to be a doctor. Mary: I want to be a good mother. Little Johnny: I want to help Mary. 41. Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” Johnny says, “Yeah!” 42. Teacher: Ralf, you failed the English exam. Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible! 43. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God. " The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like. " Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute. " 44. Teacher: How old is your father? Student: As old as me. Teacher: How it is possible? Student: He became a father only when I was born. 45. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. " A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" 46. Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached? Student: When my mother sees my report card! 47. These four guys were enrolled in an Organic Chemistry class at Duke University. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an "A" for the semester. These guys were so confident that they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends the weekend before finals. After all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning. Since they were late for the final, they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they could take a make-up exam. Later on in the day, they found their professor and explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy. " Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was: (For 95 points): Which tire? 48. Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal. " The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad. " "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!" 49. Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr. Hill the technical teacher and Mr. Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were. " "Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them. " The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. 50. "Welcome to school, Little Johnny," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Little Johnny. "I'm nearly new. " 51. "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?" 52. A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. " 53. Law professor: You're currently failing your ethics class. me: (slide a $20 across the desk) How about now? 54. A kid farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out... He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He asks, "What are you doing outside sitting here laughing?" The kid replies, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. " "Well then why are you laughing?" "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class room smelling and enjoying my fart while they put me outside in this nice, clean air.

Politic Joke Politics jokes: 1. It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain. 3. One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything." 4. Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a politician!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!" 5. A politician is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a politician, but you don't see me stealing the guy in front of me, do you?" 6. Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again. 7. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. 8. If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? 9. Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail? A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail. 10. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo." 11. Cows & Politics Explained A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them. AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. 12. Rules Of Politics If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. "NO" is only an interim response. You can't kill a bad idea. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The truth is a variable. A promise is not a guarantee. If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting. 13. Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036. 14. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator. 15. Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them. "Is he still talking?" they asked him. "Yes." another man answered. "What on Earth is he talking about?" "I don’t know. He’s still introducing himself." 16. A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Blood and glass were everywhere. A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help: he dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive. He thought he did his country a good service. 17. A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. 18. A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'" 19. One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in our country" The American, catching the Frenchies drift, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and threw them over the bridge. The Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did you do that for?" The American shrugged and said "We have too many of those in our country." Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finally, he picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The American looked at him in disbelief and said "Why in Gods name did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many of those in our country." 20. A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign ail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." 21. An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car. As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American. The fat woman thinks "That dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!" The blonde thinks "That dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!" The American thinks "That Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!" The Canadian thinks "I can't wait 'til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!" 22. A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!'' 23. A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!" The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you." "Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!" 24. Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" 25. Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." 26. While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I ask them a riddle," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen summons Tony Blair and asks, "Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "I imagine it's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. Bush is very impressed, so, upon returning to Washington, he decides to test his own entourage. He summons Dick Cheney, and says, "Vice President, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Cheney say, "Mr. President, can you give me one hour?" Bush agrees, and Cheney leaves. He immediately starts asking different people the question, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, with about five minutes left on the clock, Cheney, having lost all hope, goes to the bathroom, where he spots Colin Powell's shoes under the door of one of the stalls. "Powell, you gotta help me. President gave me this riddle: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb***" Much relieved, Cheney rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! It's Colin Powell!" "Wrong, you dumb***," Bush replies - "it's Tony Blair!" 27. President Trump is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One, and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent matching white horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets...I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control". George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought...you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses." 28. "George Bush told me he's thinking of running again. I said, 'George, the Constitution prohibits you from running for a third term.' He said, 'Wow, they put my name in the Constitution!'" 1421 Bush got a coded message from Saddam. It read:370HSSV-0773H Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA. The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton. He suggested turning the message upside down … 29. Very upset after having lost the reelection, the Prime Minister decides to go on a trip around the world to put it behind him. A chap comes up to the bobby standing guard at the door of 10 Downing St. and asks him to see the Prime Minister. The policeman politely informs him that his Lordship has lost the election and has left the country. The chap is back the next day, with the same request. The policeman not so politely tells him again that the Prime Minister is away and won't be back in the near future. But the fellow is back again the next day. Positively miffed, the officer reminds him that this is the third time he tells him the Prime Minister has lost the election and will be out of the country indefinitely. Then the man explains, "yes I know, but I love to hear you say it".

Other Jokes Other jokes: 1. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. 2. Dear santa, For this year I would like a fat bank account, and a small body. P.S. Please don’t mix them up, like you did last year! 3. These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2022! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text. Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. 4. A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!" 5. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. 6. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. 614 A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help." 7. Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed. 617 Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.'' 8. A man in Germany felt he needed to confess. So he went to his priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I hid a Jew in my attic during World War II" "Well, that's not really a sin," answered the priest. "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Reichsmarks a week." "I admit that was not good but you did it for a good cause." "Thank you, Father, that eases my mind but I still have one more question." "What is it?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?" 9. The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" 10. A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things. Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl. Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times." 11. Boy and girl in class asked the teacher: "Can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "See I told you not to worry!!!!". 12. Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday! 13. Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his little sister. 14. Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her." 15. I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely, Michael Myers. 16. Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations! 17. I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa. 18. The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents. 19. A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy. 20. This holiday season, instead of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion. 21. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. 22. There's no I in denial. 23. A good pun is like a good steak; a rare medium well done. 24. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot." 25. A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!" 26. A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep. 27. One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" 28. "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!" 29. One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago! 30. An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" 31. A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!" 32. Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her. 33. Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day" 34. I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines! 35. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!" 36. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" 37. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. They already have boyfriends. 38. Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ? A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins ! 39. Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. 40. Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? A. They hid their own eggs! 41. A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe." 42. An American is vacationing in a small Spanish town. That evening in the hotel restaurant, the waiter asks for his order. He points to the table nearby. "I'd like what he's having. It smells amazing." The waiter shrugs. "I'm sorry, senor, that is, how you say, the testicles of the bull. From the afternoon bullfight, and we have only the one bullfight per day. But I can reserve them for you for tomorrow night." "Really? Bull testicles? Oh, what the hell, sure." The next night he comes in and the waiter brings out a magnificent smelling platter. He sets to and devours them. The waiter comes by. "So, senor, how did you enjoy your meal?" "They were incredible! Every bit as good as I'd hoped. But ... why were they smaller than the ones last night?" The waiter shakes his head regretfully. "I'm sorry, senor. You see, sometimes the bull wins." 43. Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." 44. Two explorers are walking in the savanna. One is carrying an anvil, the other is carrying a phone booth. Tthe one with the anvil stops and asks: - Why are you carrying this phone booth? - Because of lions, of course! If a lion comes, I put the booth on the ground and get inside it, and the lion can’t catch me. - Sounds like a great idea! And they move on. After a few minutes, the one with the booth stops and asks: - What about you? Why the anvil? - Same as you, because of lions. If a lion comes, I put the anvil on the ground and then I can run twice as fast! 45. A couple was traveling in Moscow when they suddenly felt some slight precipitation. The couple began to argue whether they felt rain or snow. The husband decided it was rain whereas his wife thought it was snow. Suddenly, the husband decided to ask an officer who was patrolling the square. "Excuse me sir, what is this weather we are having?" The officer grinned. "Please, please, call me Rudolf. To answer your question, I believe this is rain." With a smile on his face, the man went back to his wife saying, see, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." 46. "John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?" "Right away, Sir." … "Here you go, Sir." "Thank you!… Oh, John!" "Yes, Sir." "Bring me another glass of water, will you?" "Of course, Sir." … "Here it is, Sir." "Many thanks, John!" … "John!" "Sir?" "I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water." "But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you." "John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?" 47. "John, go outside and water the flowers." "But, Sir, it’s raining." "Well, take an umbrella then." 1352 "John, bring me my piano." "Right away, Sir. Do you wish to play?" "Not at all. I forgot my cigarettes on the piano, and I preferred not to bother you with something of so little importance." 48. My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers. 49. A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final level. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would get only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question wasn’t easy. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the pelican; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture? The woman was lost. She did not know the answer. And she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded quickly, "That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked the host. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two seconds later, the host said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is… absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your certainty with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks." 50. An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %. The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The man replied, "Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!" 51. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow." 52. Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship late one night. Paddy says to Murphy ‘Boy, it's awfully quiet tonight.’ Murphy replies ‘They're all probably watching the band.’ Paddy says ‘Band? There's no band on tonight Murphy you plonker’ Murphy, stunned, replies ‘But I swear someone said a band on ship.’ 53. The English are fighting the Scots again. The English army is camped on a hill waiting for a deep fog to clear. Out of the fog comes a Scottish shout: "One Scotsman is worth two Englishmen" Many men volunteer and two of the biggest are selected. They advance down into the fog. Soon the sound of fighting can be heard but it doesn’t last long. Then there is another shout: "One Scotsman is worth four Englishmen". Four more volunteers are quickly selected and they advance down into the fog together. The sound of more fighting can be heard. It lasts a bit longer but soon it goes quiet again and then the same Scottish voice calls once more. "One Scotsman is worth a platoon of Englishmen". There is a longer debate this time but soon a platoon advances steadily down into the fog. This time the sound of fighting goes on for quite a long time and a few screams. Eventually all is quiet and then the same Scottish voice calls again. "One Scotsman is worth a battalion of Englishmen" The English are now quite worried but in due course a battalion is prepared and starts advancing into the fog. But a groan is heard on the ground at the feet. An English soldier barely alive has managed to crawl back up the hill and he cries out: "Don’t go in, it’s a trap. There’s two of the bastards." 54. Boyfriend: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girlfriend: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer." 55. The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience. "He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience. "Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them." 56. During WWII a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied. The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, "Sorry, we do dis no more!" The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "we think you trying to escape!" 57. At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again." 58. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you’re innocent". 59. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. 60. Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory. 61. A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn’t you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?" 62. The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. "How did you do that?" he asked. "We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." 63. I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Fifteen dollars each." "Who bought them?" "I did!" 64. If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor. 1734 We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I’ll have the 24." "Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that’s the price, not the meal number." "Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12." 65. Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway." "Actually," says the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway." "Was he a writer?" the student asks. "Yes. He wrote a big check." 66. Dear IRS: I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest. 67. A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel. An OPTIMIST sees the light at the end of thetunnel. A REALIST sees a fright train. The TRAIN driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. 68. Ever realize that humans cut down bird's houses to make birdhouses? 69. Optimist: Things happen for a reason. Pessimist: Things are random and meaningless. Me: THINGS?? What things? Nobody told me about any things! 70. How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your résumé. Single-handedly managed to succeed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents. 71. My first day as a pilot: Control tower: - Can you give me your position? Me: - I'm next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower:- Could you be more specific? Me: - Simba

Sports Joke Sports jokes: 1. An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina." The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight." 2. There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not. One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. "Hi, John.”" "Cliff, is it really you?" "Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news." "Okay. What’s the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven." "The bad news?" "You’re pitching tomorrow night." 3. Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The American jumped off and shouted "God save America!" The English man jumped off and shouted "God Save The Queen!" The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted "God save the person who I land on!'' 4. After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences: The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. 5. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" 6. Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards." 7. Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." 8. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." 9. "I think that it is better to give that to get." "You have a very generous thinking, are you a humanitarian?" "No, I’m a boxer." 10. Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is. "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm." 11. Two women are talking. "‘You know," says one. "Eighty per cent of men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," says the other. "That will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!" 12. A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'" 13. Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into the trees?" 14. Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league! 15. An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well-known golf course. On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?" "Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about." 16. A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 17. Dating tip: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football. 18. Two guys hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home. 19. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" ...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 20. A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.""But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered."But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack." 21. At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program. 22. Two friends were going hiking. Bill asked Kim "Why are you wearing expensive Nike tennis shoes "? Kim, "I want to be able to move fast. This is bear country". Bill, "you idiot you can't out run a bear". Kim, "well I figure I just have to out run you". 23. A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

Bar Jokes Bar jokes: 1. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" 2. A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 3. A Mormon, a Muslim, and a Buddhist walked into a bar, which is strange as none of them are allowed to drink alcohol. 4. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense! 5. A man, his son and a dog walk into a bar. "Ow!" "Ow!" "Woof!" 6. An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?” 7. The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar. 8. A dyslexic guy walked into a bra. 9. Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked. 10. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?” 11. A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.” 12. A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" 13. A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says: I'll have a beer and a mop, please. 14. A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chicken here. Try the place across the road.” 15. A skunk walks into a bar, looks around and says: "Hey where did everybody go?" 16. A nonrenewable natural resource walks in to a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. The bar tender says "sorry friend, I can't serve YOU; you have been getting wasted all day long!" 17. A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartender says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?" 18. A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?" The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday." The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday." Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool." 19. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast." 20. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. 344 Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type." 21. A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. 22. Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink." 23. An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" 24. There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I." 25. A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!". 26. A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have 75 cents." 27. A drunken Jew goes across the bar and punches a chinese man on the nose. The chinese asks: "What was that for?" The jew responds "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "Pearl Harbor?" responds the chinese, "that was the Japanese, you moron!" The jew retorts "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, your all the same to me." Later the chinese busts the jew in the mouth. When the Jew asks why, the response is: "for the Titanic!" Jew replies. "The Titanic? But that was an iceberg!" The chinese replies: "Iceberg, greenberg 'goldberg..." 28. One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." 29. A man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man: "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body". Officer: "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" Man: "My wife." 30. A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head. Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around." 31. A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 32. A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking." 33. A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits. Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me." The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina." 34. A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.” 35. Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar. "Let's stop and grab a drink" "They don't allow pets - let's just keep going" "Follow my lead" The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow. "Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here." "Excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender gives the man and the dog a once over. Seeing his sunglasses and a German Shepard, he quickly apologizes "Pardon me sir, first round is on the house!" He quickly flashes a smile back at his friend and makes his way to a table. The second man walks in, with both sunglasses and dog, doing his best to mimic the confidence his friend wielded. "Umm, sorry but we do not allow pets here." "Well excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender narrows his gaze and sighs. "You're telling me that Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" Taking a moment to collect himself, the friend says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!?!" 36. A piece of rope walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." So the rope walks out, roughs himself up a little and ties himself, then goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?" He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." 37. A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!" 38. Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk." 39. A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" 40. Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.."I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter."Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster.""I got it from my genie.""You have a genie?" he asked."Yes, he's right here in my pocket.""Could I see him?"He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?""Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?" 41. A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" 42. After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire." 43. This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!" 44. The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this skinnylittle man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." 45. A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!" 46. One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again." 47. A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." 48. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate."You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" 49. It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers."Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was."Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he."And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed."Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage."May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.Inside the garage was the state troopers car. 50. There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 51. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!" 52. A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheelchair?" 53. One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "Me too!" 54. A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." 55. There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with red,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son. 56. Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96." "Ninety-six? What finally got him???" "Liquor and women." "Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end." "Well actually, no, it's not what you think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died." 57. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' 58. An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all attending a conference and decide to visit a pub together after the day’s session. Before long their conversation turns to their favorite pubs back home. Englishman: At my local in Enfield, the barman is a cracking bloke. He serves me a free pint every Friday. Scotman: I am mates with the owner of the Three Tuns in Sterling. Every time I go in, the first pint is free. Irishman: That's nothin. I know of a pub in Galway where you can walk in, they give you as many free drinks as you want, then they take you into the back room, and you get shagged. E and S: Bloody hell! Have you actually done that? Irishman: No, but my sister has. 59. Mayan guy: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

Intelectual Joke Intellectual jokes: 1. A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please." 2. Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!" 3. Two atoms are walking down the road, one turns to the other: - I think I've lost an electron! - Are you sure? - I'm positive" 4. Did you hear oxygen and potassium went on a date? It went OK. Not even a week later, oxygen and magnesium went out. OMg. Oxygen then tried to ask nitrogen out. She said NO. 5. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. 6. T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH 7. A programmer always leaves two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t. 8. A logician's wife is having a baby. She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies. 9. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says: "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies: "But without me, how could you have the mass?" 10. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react. 11. There is a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet. 12. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. 13. A philosopher says to a linguist "What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions." 14. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized." 15. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally! 16. A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!! 17. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 18. Q: What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? A: The etymologist knos the difference. 19. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop. 20. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A raprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdraw of your grant funding. 21. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?" 22. How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11. 23. A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. 24. Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears. 25. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?" The German replies, "Nein, just one." 26. A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I’m traveling light." 27. A Spanish man went into a clothing store where the salesperson only spoke English. Walking up to the nearest sales clerk, the man said, "Quiero calcetines, por favor." The clerk shook his head and said, "I don’t speak Spanish." The sales clerk and the man walked around the store, the clerk pointing at jackets, sweaters, pants, and shoes, hoping to find what the Spanish man needed. Finally, the clerk pointed at a table of socks, and the Spanish man exclaimed, "Eso, si que es!" Wide-eyed, the sales clerk said, "If you could spell it, why didn’t you say so before!" 28. Steps for surviving on a dessert island: 1. Check spelling. 2. If correct, enjoy. 29. Boss: How good are you at Power Point? Me: I Excel at it. Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Me: Word. 30. I put my root beer in a square cup. Now it's just beer. 31. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? A: To get to the same side. 32. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her." The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes." 33. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton replies "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!" 34. It's not easy being a self-made man... Unless you have an Oedipus Complex and a time machine. 35. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now. 36. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says the same. The third says "Yes!" 37. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?" Godel replies "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong." 38. Shrodinger's cat walks into the bar and doesn't. 39. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts "Oh! I forgot to feed the dog." 40. Paddy goes to college to sign up and meets the head of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic subjects:- English, Maths, History and Logic." Logic? What’s that?" Paddy asks. The head says "I’ll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, I would say you have a garden." "Yes, I do have a garden." Paddy replies. The head continues, "Because you have a garden, I say logically you would have a house." "Yes, I have a house." "And because you have a house, I would say you have a family." "Yeah I have a family." "Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. "Yeah I have a wife." And because you have a wife, you must be heterosexual. "Paddy replies "I am heterosexual. That’s amazing; you can tell all that because I have a lawnmower. "Later that day, Paddy is excited to tell his mate Mick. He tells Mick that he’s signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic. "Logic?" Mick says "What’s that?" Paddy says "I’ll give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?" "No, i don’t have a lawnmower." "Then you’re certainly gay!!" 41. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a beer" The second says "I'll have half a beer." The third says "I'll have 1/4 of a beer." The fourth says "I'll have 1/8 of a beer." After a few more, the bartender says "Fine. Two beers. You guys have to know your limits." 42. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never met. 43. A physicist sees a young woman about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells: "Don't do it! You have so much potential!" 44. Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3? Because they were directed by Yoda. 45. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. 46. I got this extra electron I didn't want. My friend said "don't be so negative." 47. Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Animal jokes -2: 36. What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! 37. As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." 38. A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says: " DUDE……. how much water did you drink?” 39. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?” 40. A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!" 41. A vulture boards the airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion." 42. A bear and a rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. 43. A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that?" The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!" 44. I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 45. There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" 46. A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 47. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. "The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." 48. Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird! "Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!" 49. There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground! "The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" 50. Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere -- it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!" 51. How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again? Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb? 52. Does Your Cat Own You? See how many yes answers apply to you. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter? Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork? Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it? Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote? Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up and decides to have some animal fun? Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? 53. Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?" 54. A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'' 55. A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? "The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." 56. A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!" "I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt." 57. A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken. The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. "Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own." "That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one." 58. A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's are ally smart dog you have there.""He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key." 59. A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. 60. This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua." 61. A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.' 62. Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?""Yep, that's him," he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?""Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." 63. Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" 64. A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!! 65. One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat The bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl." 66. How to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine: 1. Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2. Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3. After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds. 67. During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does." "I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?" 68. A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten months go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?" 69. "I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf." "Bullsh*t, watch this… Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up!" 70. A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" "Yes, I'm amazed too!" came the reply. "He hated the book." 71. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted." 72. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's too heavy, and my arms are tired." says the vet. 73. A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." 74. There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo."And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that." 75. A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm... 76. This is what should happen to ALL CATS..! HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely,THE DOG 77. I just watched my dog chase his tail for 5 minutes and thought "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized... I've just watched my dog chase his tail for 5 minutes.