Self-esteem

Improving, repairing and boosting your Self-Esteem. When you look in the mirror, what do you see? How do you feel? Low self-esteem and low self-worth have become an epidemic in our society. With a strong emphasis being placed on celebrities, entertainment and social media it can be easy to begin comparing yourself to others and even celebrities. What is self-esteem? First, let’s take a moment to define exactly what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves. The feelings we get when we think about the way we look, how smart we are, our athletic skills, or even how much money we make. It is the concept of defining whether we are lovable, satisfied and unique. 1. Confidence in one's value as a human being is a precious psychological resource and generally a highly positive factor in life; it is correlated with achievement, good relationships, and satisfaction. Possessing little self-regard can lead people to become depressed, to fall short of their potential, or to tolerate abusive relationships and situations. 2. Too much self-love, on the other hand, results in an off-putting sense of entitlement and an inability to learn from failures. It can also be a sign of clinical narcissism, in which individuals may behave in a self-centered, arrogant, and manipulative manner. Perhaps no other self-help topic has spawned so much advice and so many (often conflicting) theories. 3. We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves. But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives. What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves. 4. When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs. When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us. What causes low self-esteem? Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves. 5. For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you. Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations. Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem. 6. Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves. How does low self-esteem affect us? If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging. In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe. 7. In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things. Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety. You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping. 8. How to have healthy self-esteem To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them. You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you. Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts. 9. Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week". Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust". You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age. 10. Other ways to improve low self-esteem Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself. Recognize what you're good at We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood. Build positive relationships If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions. 11. Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you. Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical. Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves. Learn to be assertive 12. Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them. One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do. It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out. 13. Start saying "no" People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to. The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed. For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message. 14. Give yourself a challenge We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges. Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem. Take time today to make a list of 10 past successes. 15. Don’t discount “minor” victories— small achievements count. Refer to it three times a day for the next two weeks. Fully recreate and experience the positive feelings attached to each success. Make a list (again today) of 20 of your positive qualities. Perhaps you’re creative, compassionate, long-suffering, or unselfish. Dwell on your assets, not your inadequacies. Take time each day to stand in front of a mirror, smile, and review your list. 16. Schedule time for a hobby Starting today, schedule at least one hour a day for a hobby or some leisure activity that brings you enjoyment. If you can exercise at the same time, that’s even better. Make a list of things that you feel good about Before bed each night (starting tonight), make a list of five to 10 things that you feel good about from the day. For example, “The alarm went off. I got up and got dressed.” Nothing’s too insignificant. Try this for two weeks, and see what happens. 17. Write small positive affirmations to yourself Take a small index card and write a positive affirmation about yourself. For example: “I am a valuable, lovable person. I’m not perfect, but I am perfectible. A mistake is not a defeat. It’s a learning opportunity and a chance to grow.” Use whatever language works best for you. Read the affirmation aloud at least 25 times each day for the next two weeks. Again, be willing to experience the positive feelings that arise as you reprogram your mind for the better. 18. Accept compliments Make a conscious effort over the next month to accept compliments. Don’t reject or downplay the nice things people say about you. You’re worthy of the praise! This exercise is more difficult than it might seem. To make things easier at first, just say, “thank you.” Flood your mind with positive, constructive input Within the next five days, begin reading a good book or listening to a tape on self-esteem. Consider attending a seminar or workshop. You get out what you put in; flood your mind with positive, constructive input. 19. Spend time with others Make a commitment to join a social group or, even better, do some volunteer work within the next week. It’s easy, when you have bipolar disorder, to isolate yourself, thinking that others won’t accept you or that you have nothing to offer. Such a perspective can damage your self-image. When you spend time with others or give of yourself, you feel more valuable and boost your self-esteem in the process. In your area, there are many agencies, clubs, and organizations that can help you get involved. 20. Only when you face yourself as you truly are and work to repair your self-esteem can you have the rich life that you deserve. Results can come faster than you think. Just rephrasing what you say or think can help foster positive self-esteem. Remember the statements at the beginning of this article? Look at the difference: “The next time I receive a gift from someone, I’m going to say, ‘Thank you!’ It makes me feel good to know that others appreciate me and value me as a friend.” 21. “I am going to take things one day at a time and not be afraid or ashamed to let others know what my limits are.” People who experience a steady diet of disapproval from important others—family, supervisors, friends, teachers—might have feelings of low self-esteem. Yet the healthy individual is able to weather off-putting evaluations. Each person's experience is different, but over the course of the lifespan, self-esteem seems to rise and fall in predictable, systematic ways. Research suggests that self-esteem grows, by varying degrees, until age 60, when it remains steady before beginning to decline in old age. 22. Self-esteem can influence life in myriad ways, from academic and professional success to relationships and mental health. Self-esteem, however, is not an immutable characteristic; successes or setbacks, both personal and professional, can fuel fluctuations in feelings of self-worth. What causes low self-esteem? Feelings of high or low self-worth often start in childhood. Family life that is riddled with disapproval can follow a person into adult life. Low self-esteem can also become a problem because of a poor school environment or a dysfunctional workplace. Likewise, an unhappy relationship can also alter a person’s self-worth. 23. How can you boost feelings of self-worth? No one person is less worthy than the next person, and no one is deemed more important. Knowing this detail is crucial. To feel more confident and have healthy self-esteem, it helps to put aside fears of being worth less than others. I feel like I can't do anything right. What should I do? 24. Self-actualization represents the pursuit of reaching one’s full potential. The concept is rooted in a theory established in 1943 by Abraham Maslow. The psychologist set forth a hierarchy of psychological needs, illustrating an order of human motivation. At the base of Maslow’s motivational pyramid lies physiological needs, such as the air we breathe and the food we consume. Once those needs are met, it is possible to pursue needs for safety, love and belonging, and self-worth. 25. Self-actualization occurs when the more basic needs are met or in the process of being met and it becomes possible to strive to add meaning and personal and social fulfillment to existence—through creativity, intellectual growth, and social progress. As Maslow himself stated, “What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization.” Will following your "inner compass” help? The world may have expectations for you: an important high-paying job, an ideal set of 2.5 children, a luxury car. Yet you do not have to buy into thinking that you are worthless without these things. Imperfection is perfectly fine. Also, setting your own goals, and not following someone else’s, will help. 26. How can someone feel more secure about themselves? It’s easy to feel insecure and distressed about it. An insecure person needs reassurance from the people around them; this person wants others to make decisions and set goals for them. But taking personal agency is the first step toward feeling more secure and feeling healthy self-esteem. 27. Signs of Strong Self-Esteem The confident person is easily spotted and commands attention. But there's a healthy balance between too little and too much self-worth. Here are some signs that an individual has the right dose. Knows the difference between confidence and arrogance Is not afraid of feedback Does not people-please or seek approval Is not afraid of conflict Is able to set boundaries Is able to voice needs and opinions Is assertive, but not pushy Is not a slave to perfection Is not afraid of setbacks Does not fear failure Does not feel inferior Accepts who they are 28. Improving How You Feel About Yourself People who experience a steady diet of disapproval from important others—family, supervisors, friends, teachers—might have feelings of low self-esteem. Yet the healthy individual is able to weather off-putting evaluations. Each person's experience is different, but over the course of the lifespan, self-esteem seems to rise and fall in predictable, systematic ways. Research suggests that self-esteem grows, by varying degrees, until age 60, when it remains steady before beginning to decline in old age. 29. Self-esteem can influence life in myriad ways, from academic and professional success to relationships and mental health. Self-esteem, however, is not an immutable characteristic; successes or setbacks, both personal and professional, can fuel fluctuations in feelings of self-worth. What causes low self-esteem? Feelings of high or low self-worth often start in childhood. Family life that is riddled with disapproval can follow a person into adult life. Low self-esteem can also become a problem because of a poor school environment or a dysfunctional workplace. Likewise, an unhappy relationship can also alter a person’s self-worth. 30. How can you boost feelings of self-worth? No one person is less worthy than the next person, and no one is deemed more important. Knowing this detail is crucial. To feel more confident and have healthy self-esteem, it helps to put aside fears of being worth less than others. I feel like I can't do anything right. What should I do? 31. Self-actualization represents the pursuit of reaching one’s full potential. The concept is rooted in a theory established in 1943 by Abraham Maslow. The psychologist set forth a hierarchy of psychological needs, illustrating an order of human motivation. At the base of Maslow’s motivational pyramid lies physiological needs, such as the air we breathe and the food we consume. Once those needs are met, it is possible to pursue needs for safety, love and belonging, and self-worth. 32. Self-actualization occurs when the more basic needs are met or in the process of being met and it becomes possible to strive to add meaning and personal and social fulfillment to existence—through creativity, intellectual growth, and social progress. As Maslow himself stated, “What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization.” Will following your "inner compass” help? The world may have expectations for you: an important high-paying job, an ideal set of 2.5 children, a luxury car. Yet you do not have to buy into thinking that you are worthless without these things. Imperfection is perfectly fine. Also, setting your own goals, and not following someone else’s, will help. 33. How can someone feel more secure about themselves? It’s easy to feel insecure and distressed about it. An insecure person needs reassurance from the people around them; this person wants others to make decisions and set goals for them. But taking personal agency is the first step toward feeling more secure and feeling healthy self-esteem. Signs of Strong Self-Esteem The confident person is easily spotted and commands attention. But there's a healthy balance between too little and too much self-worth. Here are some signs that an individual has the right dose. Self-esteem: Take steps to feel better about yourself Harness the power of your thoughts and beliefs to raise your self-esteem. Start with these steps. 34. Low self-esteem can affect nearly every aspect of life. It can impact your relationships, job and health. But you can boost your self-esteem by taking cues from mental health counseling. Consider these steps, based on cognitive behavioral therapy. Recognize situations that affect self-esteem Think about the situations that seem to deflate your self-esteem. Common triggers might include: 35. A work or school presentation A crisis at work or home A challenge with a spouse, loved one, co-worker or other close contact A change in roles or life events, such as a job loss or a child leaving home Become aware of thoughts and beliefs Once you've learned which situations affect your self-esteem, notice your thoughts about them. This includes what you tell yourself (self-talk) and how you view the situations. Your thoughts and beliefs might be positive, negative or neutral. They might be rational, based on reason or facts. Or they may be irrational, based on false ideas. Ask yourself if these beliefs are true. Would you say them to a friend? If you wouldn't say them to someone else, don't say them to yourself. 36. Challenge negative thinking Your initial thoughts might not be the only way to view a situation. Ask yourself whether your view is in line with facts and logic. Or is there another explanation? Be aware that it can be hard to see flaws in your logic. Long-held thoughts and beliefs can feel factual even if they're opinions. 37. Also notice if you're having these thought patterns that erode self-esteem: All-or-nothing thinking. This involves seeing things as either all good or all bad. For example, you may think, "If I don't succeed in this task, I'm a total failure." Mental filtering. This means you focus and dwell on the negatives. It can distort your view of a person or situation. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm not up to the job." 38. Converting positives into negatives. This may involve rejecting your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "I only did well on that test because it was so easy." Jumping to negative conclusions. You may tend to reach a negative conclusion with little or no evidence. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my text, so I must have done something to make her angry." 39. Mistaking feelings for facts. You may confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure." Negative self-talk. You undervalue yourself. You may put yourself down or joke about your faults. For example, you may say, "I don't deserve anything better." 40. Adjust your thoughts and beliefs Now replace negative or untrue thoughts with positive, accurate thoughts. Try these strategies: Use hopeful statements. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Instead of thinking a situation won't go well, focus on the positive. Tell yourself, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this." 41. Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. But mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They're moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person." Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you might be putting too many demands on yourself. Try to remove these words from your thoughts. It may lead to a healthier view of what to expect from yourself. 42. Focus on the positive. Think about the parts of your life that work well. Remember the skills you've used to cope with challenges. Consider what you've learned. If it was a negative experience, what changes can you make next time to create a more positive outcome? 43. Relabel upsetting thoughts. Think of negative thoughts as signals to try new, healthy patterns. Ask yourself, "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?" Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. For example, "My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged. That means I met my goal." You might also try these steps, based on acceptance and commitment therapy. 44. Spot troubling conditions or situations Again, think about the conditions or situations that seem to deflate your self-esteem. Then pay attention to your thoughts about them. Step back from your thoughts Repeat your negative thoughts many times. The goal is to take a step back from automatic thoughts and beliefs and observe them. Instead of trying to change your thoughts, distance yourself from them. Realize that they are nothing more than words. 45. Accept your thoughts Instead of resisting or being overwhelmed by negative thoughts or feelings, accept them. You don't have to like them. Just allow yourself to feel them. Negative thoughts don't need to be controlled, changed or acted upon. Aim to lessen their power on your behavior. 46. These steps might seem awkward at first. But they'll get easier with practice. Recognizing the thoughts and beliefs that affect low self-esteem allows you to change the way you think about them. This will help you accept your value as a person. As your self-esteem increases, your confidence and sense of well-being are likely to soar.