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Apr 29, 2023

School Stress

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1. I Hope This Leaves You Well Screaming match, anyone? Winner gets a free therapy session. Please treat as urgent. Keep going. Just keep going. I write this for you, if you want to scream. I know this isn’t meeting you well but I hope it leaves you better than you were. This is me saying the same thing in a different way but still hear me out. This is me ranting, my equivalent of screaming into the void. It’s late at night, only-crickets-sounds late, and my cheeks hurt. That’s because I’ve been smiling all evening but nothing is funny. I was listening to the saddest poetry and my lips were pulled up at both edges. Tight. I couldn’t afford to not smile. If I let my facial muscles know that things weren’t okay, I don’t know if I’d have been able to make it through the night without crumbling like a packet of biscuits that had been left open for too long. I'd like to say nothing happened but something did happen and that was what nearly tipped me over the edge. Yet, I'm still tempted to say it's not that deep. But what about before today? Because nothing ever happens yet it feels like I’m walking a tightrope. One minute I’m okay, and the next I’m not. It’s like dangling between two extremes because being completely okay is extreme now, I can’t get too comfortable. You can’t get too comfortable here. 2. Yes, I'm in medical school. My friend told me a few days ago that the dark circles beneath her eyes were smaller and that scared her because it meant she probably wasn’t doing enough. Another one told me today that he has had to sleep for longer hours (longer being more than three/four) because his eyes hurt and that has made him feel guilty. I woke up a few days ago in a panic and gave myself a hard slap because I hadn’t woken up at midnight. So, I think, what have we come to? What have we done with our lives? We are all wound so tight, all of us. We forget that we have a limit and are prone to snapping if we exceed it. And my classmates are funny, all of them. And we could argue that we are all cut from the same cloth but maybe we just share the same traumatic experiences. 3. So, I thought I'd get through this night with a smile but my head hurt and I smiled so hard, so painfully, that my cheeks started to hurt too. So, I gave up and here I am, screaming. And it gets worse. It doesn’t get better. We won’t write exams next week and breathe a sigh of relief and say it’s over. It’s just one endless cycle of anxiety, cumulating into months, into years. And it’s killing me. Today, Dami said, "It’s like every other part of our lives is dead right now." I can’t argue with that because I’ve been trying to write the same story for a month now. I have tried to keep some parts of me. I have written a poem or taken a photo every day of this month and maybe that has kept me safe, kept me a little sane. But some of us are running mad. Many of us are losing our minds while still desperately trying not to show it. I have no words for you, for us. But take a walk. 4. When it feels like you’re slipping too far left on this balance between okay and not okay, take a walk. Not in your head, go outside. Take a moment to take in the leaves as they fall, watch the trees swaying in the breeze, and the sky as it does that thing where it looks new each time you look up. Admire the beauty and the vastness of it. It will remind you that you are so tiny, so small in the vast scheme of things. It will remind you that it doesn’t end here. That if you took a minute to count your heartbeat, a moment to close your eyes, and pace your breathing, the world won’t crumble around you. So, do it. 5. Two weeks ago, I had a terrible morning. I was miserable and was determined to hold on to my misery. I had even tweeted a "Screaming grounds, anyone?" But while we waited for a lecturer that eventually didn't show up, my friends kept trying to take my misery away from me, unknowingly. "How’s life?" I wanted to bite their heads off. But they were so persistent, so unrelenting, that it became funny and I had to let go. And then, they brought out this fun test and I was so curious that I made everyone in my line of sight take it. And I forgot that I felt like my life was going to shit just some minutes ago. In that moment, I completely forgot that I was supposed to be miserable. 6. I try to hold on to these brief moments of happiness or its likeness, although they eventually slip between my fingers. And I know it’s funny, that the tough times seem to be lasting longer. But these ones have to count for something too. So, I write this for myself, for my classmates, for medical students, for everyone who wants to scream. I don’t think it gets better. But take a deep breath, take a walk, and keep going. See, we are all just human and we are all just trying. And that’s all we can do, try.🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️

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