Nonfiction

1. My hands may have gotten smaller; these gloves don't fit anymore. Problem is, my gloves aren’t the only things that feel too big; unfit. My skin isn’t sagging but I’m the only one who knows what it feels like beneath it, inside it. What do you do when you feel a part of you fading away, when you are losing that one bit of yourself? What does it feel like when you can’t do the one thing you know how to do? Do you start to wonder why your own sun is setting at dawn? Are we thinking the same thing? Yes, enough of the theatrics. I can’t believe I used to be funny. Ugh, anyway, let’s get specific.👉

2. Can you believe I have been afraid to write? Right, it’s crazy because I’m insanely talented. Never mind that I don’t believe it but I need this to drive my point home. I started writing this piece about two weeks ago but I just couldn’t do it because what if it’s crap? This is what happens when your self-esteem is already bottom barrel and someone dares to say it to your face that the work you submitted was a miss. I can’t tell you what that did to me. I can handle criticism, guys, don’t get me wrong. The problem is how I handle it which is by questioning the quality of every single thing I’ve written and vowing to never subject anyone to the torture that’s my work ever again. So healthy!👉

3. Ever so often, I remember a statement someone made while I was still in school. We had been talking about what I would be like in the university. Actually, they -my teachers- had been talking. "She will thrive in school," to which Mr. Folusho promptly replied "No, she will survive." Man must have been a fortune teller because damn, I think he may be right. Look, when I started writing this, I had been on the edge, I was having intense moments of self-doubt. We can even call them sessions because I know if I used those few hours to get therapy, we wouldn’t have to be doing this. Oh, well.👉

4. There’s one thing I’m really good at, one skill I could never doubt- my ability to doubt myself. And I flex this skill like my life depends on it. I just can’t seem to get it into my head that I can do anything, that I can do ANYTHING. I wouldn’t sweat it though (ironic because I do) because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way and if I am, we’ll all just pretend that this piece never made it out to the public. I know I’m not the only one who feels like they’re just slugging through it at times, wasting away mostly, just trying to get through the day and it’s not just about school. I feel like I’m going off course but staying on course has never been my strong point so let’s forge ahead, soldiers! It’s not just about losing sleep and missing meals and still missing the A’s as well. That sucks but there’s more. Sometimes you just feel like those pieces are not worth reading, the artworks are not worth seeing, the songs not worth hearing but they are, they are.👉

5. What does it feel like when you think you are losing your spark, that one thing you thought you were good at? I hope it feels like a delusion because it is. That’s your brain trying to tell you that you truly suck but I’m telling you you don’t. And who are you going to believe? Your brain- an organ known to be a pathological liar- or me- no description needed?! And you are going to want to backtrack but here’s what I’ll tell you, you are not perfect so don’t expect everything you create to be. More to the point, our ideas of perfect vary. Good for you then, and me too because honest to God, I’ve written some crappy pieces that I actually liked. So, if you love doing it, so long as you love doing it, even if it feels like shit, do it.👉

6. Now, listen, it will happen. Someday, you will suck at your thing and it will feel like acid in your face because that may be your only thing. You will feel like your talent is fizzing out, the one skill you thought you had. So you will be afraid, to put paintbrush to canvas, for fear of the mediocrity that you may create in the process. You don’t have the heart to see what you have truly become (for me, that will be a motivational speaker, can’t believe this shit). Too scared to see that you have truly lost all you had. Don’t be scared, it’s a phase, face it. Self-doubt’s daddy! It can’t get you. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to work it out, if I am ever going to. To one day feel confident in my creations but I will certainly keep creating. If I don’t, I have a good idea of what may happen. A hint? Sanity won’t be applicable to the situation.👉

7. So, this is for you, the writer that’s afraid to write, the singer that questions the texture of her voice, the artist that doesn’t think their paintings are up to par. Art is never a competition, it should always first be about what it does for you. If you are lucky, someone else will find a piece of their soul in your art. It’s a bonus, it doesn’t always come with the package. So, keep on creating even if your therapist didn’t recommend it. They probably forgot.🤷‍♂️