Nonfiction

1. Not by a semi-truck but by a realization, and it knocked the wind out of me. Writing this piece was partly fueled by Oriade's Issue 15 in which he talked about staying close to the light. It occurred to me that I was doing the exact opposite. It occurred to me that I still don’t have the courage to let myself be seen. I have held onto my mystery for far too long and now it’s hard to let go. I evade questions, I laugh, and I make funny expressions when they ask the deep questions. I still don’t know how to be fit for human relationships and God, do I want to be?! I don’t want to end up as someone who doesn’t know anyone for long enough. I don’t want to try people on and put them back down, it’s exhausting. 2. I am the kind of person to avoid seeing people face to face. I work hard at keeping most of my friends in my phone but lately, I have been intentional about seeing them. Kind of. I worry that when they see me, they will realize just how uninteresting I am or how bland, how unfit for them or how unfunny. With the barrier of a screen, I can laugh while crying, send stickers when I’m afraid to be seen, ignore texts until I have the right answers. But I can't hide on my feet right in front of their eyes. 3. I might have to make a deal with the ground for it to open up and swallow. And believe me, I have tried. But the earth seems to be the bane of my existence because time and again, I have asked. And time and again, it has refused. But in Oriade’s Issue, there was an excerpt of one Sydney’s letter to a depressed thirteen-year-old in which he said, Make no secret of low spirits to your friends but talk of them freely- they are always worse for dignified concealment. And I have struggled with this for years; I still am. I have tried and, many times, I have failed to express myself without subsequently trying to keel over and die. So, I don’t do it if I don’t have to. And even when I have to, I try hard not to.👉

4. But last Sunday, I was hit by the realization. That I would never be one of those people who know people and maybe that’s okay. But do I want to be one of those people that know no one and that no one knows? No. He who trusts everyone is as foolish as he who trusts no one. ~ Excerpt from some book I don’t remember. I worry that I am unfit for human relationships and while I have often said that I would end up alone, it doesn't sound like a promising venture. I have so much light within me but my shutters are pulled tight. 5. At the beginning of the year, I said a lot of big words and made a lot of nonsensical affirmations. I said things about going to new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new things. I have met exactly zero new people and been to approximately the same number of new places. About new experiences? Well, I’ve always experienced the entire range of human emotions in seconds, this hasn’t changed. It also doesn’t count. So, every day, I wonder when I will feel complete. I wonder when I will know myself well enough to let myself be known, when I will become fit for human experience. I have questions and I need answers. 6. It’s the end of the first quarter and I feel like a half. And there’s no half to a human half for we are not oranges or squares, I am the only one who can complete me. So, this is me renewing my affirmations; this is me trying.👉