Life/Letters

Hey, Stranger Disclaimer: This piece will contain an alarming number of I’s that will lead you to assume a self-obsession. Expect, also, an unexpected number of quotes from Miles Carter. Both will make you assume that I am obsessed with the subjects. Where one is something I can only dream of, the other is already a reality. 1. Hi. I am not sure what my name really sounds like nor am I sure that I know the correct spelling. I do not like to pronounce it, so I introduce myself in a whisper heavy with uncertainty. I am often misunderstood, partly because even I do not understand me. Because some days, I don’t know myself so I know I’ll be hard to recognize- Miles Carter, To My Next Girlfriend I don’t remember being a baby; I woke up one morning and I was ten. It is safe to say that I don’t remember much of my childhood. I love my sisters so much, it could pass for an obsession. I say “obsession” a lot but I’m not sure that I have ever really been obsessed with anything. When I use the word, I only mean as close to the feeling as I can get. Having established that, I am obsessed with music. I see myself on stage one day. Not today, it’s late. 2. I love art and I would hoard water bottles if I could. I am a writer. I write about the things I care about in my free time and in the time when I’m not free, I write about pets and tapes- things I don’t care about but I need money to function. On the subject of money, I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed. I only want money because it can be necessary for happiness, in and around me. Because my morning routine consists of me convincing myself I’m worth it, I’m hardly convinced. — Miles Carter, Feeling Anxious 3. I think I have anxiety, at least I thought so but I am now confused. I have an unhealthy love for Miles Carter. I have short hair and my eyes are brown. I like to say I love ice cream but I only really like it. My conscience has a weight, I can be honest to a fault. I think kindness is sexy and I aspire to be a saint. Not really, I would just rather be kind. I’m obsessed with the sky; I love the sunset, I want to be the trees. White looks good on me and I love black. I can listen to music all day and I love to dance sometimes. I do not like sitting in the middle of the backseat, I love the window. I am an introvert. Vulnerability is hard for me but I’m a fighter. I am beautiful but I am insecure. I may not have anxiety but the outside has me trembling. 4. I have some friends that I like and I’m glad that I have. Sometimes I forget and sometimes, I am almost sure that they do not like me. I am an overthinker. There’s a word for a constant feeling of not belonging; it is a state I am constantly in. I am a conversational failure but I try. When it comes to me, I can carry a conversation with wit and humor. When it doesn’t, I stare my victim into an uncomfortable silence. I worry that my inability to have proper conversations will have me dying alone. But I look at the bright side, my autobiography would be a guide to people who aspire to die alone.👉

5. I feel things, deeper than anyone would think. The word “disappointed” has me reeling. I love to say I’m crazy and weird, I do not crave normalcy. I like to read, I imagine owning a bookstore or a library for those who want to read. I thought I never had a passion but I have a passion for my gender and hope for the end of our oppression. Happening miles away, I can weep over sexual harassment and domestic abuse. I believe I'm not the only one who does that. People who dehumanize others and make them feel less of themselves are the people I despise the most. They are the kind of people I would lock up if I were president. I’ve never dreamt of being president. I would much rather be a writer. 6. You are already better for wanting to be better. Every obstacle is an opportunity to dismiss who you’ve been. — Miles Carter, Another letter to remind myself who I am. I am constantly trying to be a better person. My ultimate goal in life is to be kinder, better than I was the day before. I like to inspire, I want to make people feel less alone. I have made people cry, and I have made them laugh. What matters is that I made them feel with my writings and I am proud of it. I am in med school. Well, my name is, I am at home. I don’t know what my fate is. I am eighteen. 7. I love to sleep. I think I like the rain. I take long walks at night, I enjoy it; the breeze, the moon, and music. I am a singer on the road, at night, and in the shower. I am obsessed with the moon, even more than I am with sunsets. I saw the sun rise once and my life has not been the same. I am now a person that has seen the sunrise. I hate walking by the roadside. I don’t think that I have ever crossed the road without screaming, inside my head, or out loud. I reiterate things when I mean them. — Miles Carter, To My Next Girlfriend

8. I like to read. I like thrillers, but searching for the book “How to Kill your family” was a disturbing experience and I bet Bella Mackie knew what she was doing. I still haven’t read it. I like African literature. Slow, sad songs are my thing. I don’t have a favorite song and I’m not a diehard fan of any celebrity. I love Jennifer Lawrence. I adore Jenny Lawson. I’m trying to understand how I’m such a contradiction- Miles Carter, To My Next Girlfriend 9. My friend said that I am empathetic. It is true. I can be very logical but I am also very emotional. I like to pretend that I am dark, mysterious, and cold when I can. It works sometimes. I can cry at the drop of a hat. This used to be a secret, I think. I scream when I sneeze, I call it a screeze. I have a blue scarf that I love. I had a blue scarf that I loved. I love giving gifts. I like writing letters. Letters are my thing. This could be a letter to my future self, you know, in case she forgets.