lessons

I hope you heal from all the traumas that you have suffered. I hope all your wounds will mend one day, especially the part of you that was broken brutally. May you still find a courage to face the world even after you've seen how cruel it can be. I know right now it still hurts, but I hope you continue being a fighter. I hope you heal from the pain that you don't talk about. I hope you win from your silent battles. I hope you still learn to love yourself no matter how damaged you are. Someday, I hope you realize that no matter what you've been through and no matter how broken you are right now— you are still worthy. Never forget about that.

I lost some parts of me out of loving you hard. I started hating myself ever since you made me feel like I wasn't enough. I questioned my worth and I thought I was not worthy of your love. But am I not really worthy of it? Do I really deserve not to be treated right? Because all I could remember is that, I have loved you with everything I have, and I've done everything just to keep you in my life. Was it really not enough? Even the God from above can tell how many times I begged him just to make you stay beside me. He knows how many times I cried and kneeled to him just to make you see my worth. I desperately want you to love me right. I desperately want to hold you in my arms forever. But you still let go of me. You still walked away from me as if I was just nothing to you. That broke my heart into pieces. My heart is aching as if it will never be healed. Mi amor, why do you have to do this to me? You said that you love me, but if you really do, why did you hurt me?

Have you ever been so insecure about yourself that sometimes you can't even bear to look at yourself in the mirror? They say that it is so important to love yourself more than you try to love other people. But honestly, it's easier to love others than loving myself. Sometimes, it's easier to treat others right than treating myself well. I've come to realized that I couldn't give enough love for myself and I always feel so insecure about everything. I feel like I am not good enough. I never knew how much I hate myself until I saw myself tearing apart in front of the mirror. I realized that I was feeling lost all along, I've been searching for my worth but I couldn't convince myself that I am worthy. How do I love myself? I'm feeling so small and feeling so worthless.

Sometimes I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded with people. I feel so empty even when some people try to make me happy. I'm so sick of this feeling. I feel so incomplete and a part of me feels so broken. My mind couldn't stop thinking too much. There is a monster inside my head that tells me I'm worthless, I'm miserable, and I'm completely lost in the dark. I feel like I am slowly losing myself. And I'm silently tearing apart for the fact that I couldn't even help myself. This life feels like a nightmare to me. I wish I would wake-up feeling something again. One day, I wish all the negative feelings I have will just be gone so that I could live a normal life.

You are enough. I know sometimes some people are making you feel like you are not enough, and worst, they make you believe that you are worthless. But I just want to remind you that despite of everything that they try to make you feel, keep in mind that your worth doesn't depend on their perception. Never allow anyone to make you feel so terrible about yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that you do not deserve the good things in this world. Because the truth is, you are worthy of all the good things that the world could offer. I want you to know that you are always enough. There are just some people out there who couldn't appreciate you. Maybe, they just couldn't see your worth even how hard you try for them. But I want you to know that just because somebody can't see your worth, doesn't mean you're worthless. Just because some people can't appreciate everything that you do for them, doesn't mean you are not enough. You are more than enough to those who know that you are a gem. You are so precious to those who know that you are one of a kind. But I hope you see your worth too, so that all the bad things that others have said to you won't even matter to you. One day, I hope you'd walk unwaveringly after you got hurt because you already know to yourself that you are always enough and worthy.

I have to apologize to myself for putting up something that I do not deserve. I know that I have been trying my best to be kind to people even when most of them doesn't deserve it. I keep forgiving people, I keep understanding them, and I keep giving them chances because I always believe the goodness in them. But lately, I realized how pitiful I am to always consider someone else's feelings while forgetting about mine. I have been trying my best to be nice, to the point that people become okay with disrespecting me. I realized that I have been really kind to others, but not to myself. I deserve an apology to myself. I have been through so much pain while I was trying to protect anyone from being hurt. I keep giving a piece of me to everyone while I keep losing myself in silence. I have been treated like a shit but I still have to pretend that it was okay all along. I have to apologize to myself for all the bad things that I have endured from people who couldn't appreciate my kindness. I guess this is sad— I have practiced treating people good while I was so unkind to myself. And maybe being kind is so draining. I used to love doing good things to people until they started taking advantage of the kindness that I always show to them.

I no longer want to force anyone to treat me nicely or to love me genuinely. I am so tired of expecting for something to people. I'll just try to love without asking for anything in return. Maybe I am just so sick of begging for something that I actually deserve. I love too much but I don't think I'll get the same intensity of love that I give to someone. I learned to understand that expecting too much can always give so much pain and sadness. I learned to accept that not all people are capable of returning the love and care that I show to them. But despite of that, I believe that I also deserve a sincere and honest love. I realized that I deserve the same kind of love that I give to people. I let people treat me the way they want me to be treated, but it doesn't mean that I never know what I deserve. I just know that love should not be forced. And sometimes, I just need to know that I deserve to be loved and to be valued without forcing anyone to do it for me.