Insecurity

1. You Will Not Believe When I Say… It’s 1:39 am and I’m thinking about insecurities. There are three things you should know about me: 1. I feel stupid when I talk 2. I hate the sound of my voice 3. I am terribly, terribly insecure... ... about many things. I know you could have guessed that last line from the first two but I had to make things clear. And because misery loves company, please please tell me about yours here. You see, I have a long list of things I am unsure about with myself but those two really rank. I have been struggling with this piece for weeks because it required a level of vulnerability I wasn't sure I had unlocked but here we are. I used to hate the way I walked which is probably why I walk the way I do now. I also used to be really thin, thinner than this. Every few steps I took, someone wanted to hold my wrist and see how many fingers they could fit in the space left. Also? Despite several occasions proving me otherwise, I don’t think I’m smart which contributes to my speaking problem. I hate to read things I’ve written. I write a lot but I still believe that everything I put out is a horror that should never have been unleashed. I know, I’m scarily good at looking down on myself but look at me, still putting shit out. So, I may have been told that I sound like I’m on the verge of tears or like a frog on several occasions. But, here’s the thing, I don’t think anyone has ever called me dumb. In fact, I’ve been told severally that I’m smart. I used to be the standard all through my time in school. Don’t get me wrong, College is beating my ass so hard, I can barely stand now. 2. Anyway, this brings me to the question: what makes us insecure? I know many of our insecurities stem from things that we were told as kids or things that we saw, events that repeated themselves over and over. Many of these started as jokes. If you had a jutting lower lip, one idiot boy in your class would run past and decide to pull it. He didn’t know better and you probably didn’t either but it’s telling now. You draw your lower lip in so often that it is now unnaturally pink from all that time spent inside your mouth. While I may not know for certain what insecurities stem from, I know a lot of things that stem from them; anxiety for one. My friend said and I quote, "They work hand in hand. You can’t feel anxious about something you think you’ve got in control." And it's true.👉

3. I wake up every morning in a panic, I have to delete everything I've posted on my status, I need to, so I can breathe. My brain is convinced that I can't do anything right. So, when I have to do more than just one thing, it goes haywire. It's like a rebellion, taunting me, "You really think you can do this?" This is after I have repeatedly proven to this monstrous organ that I can, in fact, do these things and not give up the ghost. But here’s the thing, I can’t take my brain out of my head and make it see things the way it should, so I end up believing it. So, I start to panic and my breath catches. I work myself into a state where I can’t feasibly do anything. So, I just sit there, crippled by my own brain. It’s cruel. 5. I have a friend that's conscious of what she says. So, whenever she does that thing where she laughs, shakes her head, and asks (rhetorically, might I add), "I’m saying rubbish, right?" I quickly follow up with a " No, you’re making perfect sense." And you know what? She asks less now and I’m proud of it and proud of her. So, maybe your friends can help. Of course, words of affirmation will offer you moments of respite but, here’s the thing, they don’t last. They can believe in you, they can trust you, they can love you but if you can’t do all these things for yourself, your insecurities will still win.👉

7. So, it’s hard but you have to do this, for yourself. There will be days when you are sure that you aren’t good for anything and this may be where your friends come in, where you make sure you surround yourself with people who truly love you and see you the way you wish you saw yourself. But, again, this will never be enough and if it was, I think it would be cruel to place all the work on them because get this, I think we are all insecure about something. If we had a list of the most insecure people, maybe it would go something like this: 8. 1. Me and other people(approximately 8 billion) I don’t think one insecurity is greater than the other, they all equally suck. Look, your brain will try to trick you, and your mirror may lie to you but I hope you have the strength to always remind yourself that you are enough. If not, maybe you could always come back here, so I will tell you now. You are beautiful. You are enough. Your friends truly love you. You walk just fine. You talk okay. You are not defined by the acne on your face or the shape of your legs. Your voice is not irritating. There is no flaw in your code. You are not inherently worthless or unlovable, you are enough.👉