Focus On What Matters

It’s so important to only focus on what you control. Everyone seems to talk about that when life is difficult, which is great because we all need those types of reminders. But I also feel like I’m constantly bombarded with useless information, which neutralizes those good reminders. This morning I saw something about Bitcoin, and then I spent the next thirty minutes following one link after the other. I started reading about the history of money, but by the end, I was getting lost on Wikipedia. How often does this happen to you? You start with watching a video, then you look something up, and soon you’re down a rabbit hole of useless information. What I learned from Stoicism is that time is your most valuable resource. Maybe it’s nice to know about everything in the world, but there’s no way we can actually use all the information we consume. So these pursuits are largely a waste of time. I will never get back the time I spent hopping from one Wikipedia page to the next one. We all need to be more conscious of how we spend our time. Most of us know this — we just don’t live it. We squander our time like it’s nothing. We read articles about how bad the world is, we browse the social media profiles of our ex-partners, we watch TV shows we’re not even interested in just to “kill time.” Why kill something so precious? That’s what should really upset you. Not some insignificant message you read on Twitter from some person you don’t even know. We’re all so quick to get triggered by others. Why do we feel the need to respond to every single thing that we run into? We don’t control what other people say or do. Without accepting that we don’t control most things in life, we can never have lasting happiness. Getting concerned with things outside of our control is a habit. There will always be some kind of national or international issue to worry about. Whether it’s a recession, war, natural disaster, protest, or social issue, you can’t escape bad things. It’s good to practice indifference to things that are outside of your control but do impact your happiness. What actually matters to your happiness? Good friendships, work that you enjoy, reading books that make you think, walking in nature, working out, watching a good movie — you know this. Last Saturday, I woke up, did some reading and writing, had brunch with my family, then went for a walk together, came back, did some more writing and reading, had dinner, and watched a movie in the evening. It was a good day. It’s a stark contrast with another day I had last week. I was talking to another friend about COVID. I got a bit carried away. “They just got to shut down the whole world for 3 weeks and we’re done!” That didn’t happen earlier this year, and it’s obviously not going to happen now. I kept that negative energy with me during the day and guess what I did? Not much. I just consumed more useless information. I didn’t create anything useful that day. Things are the way they are, and we need to deal with them. That’s how it’s been for the past 10,000 years, and probably will be for the next 10,000. What happens after that? No one knows, not even the world’s most famous futurist, Elon Musk. Getting just a little bit heated over COVID was a waste of my energy and didn’t make anything better for anyone. Our best bet is to make our own lives better — NOW. Start the circle small. Go to bed a bit stronger — mentally and physically. Help your partner, kids, parents, siblings, friends, and expand the circle like that. I see it as a sequential thing. Start with yourself, and then expand your reach, one person at a time. We probably won’t get old enough to expand the circle to the world. But hey, it’s pretty good if you can make your own life and the lives of the people you care about better. That’s already hard enough. Just don’t make things harder by wasting time on things you don’t control. Know what you can and cannot control! That’s the Stoic’s path to a happy life. If you set a high value on happiness, everything else must be valued less.

Have you noticed how you often absorb someone else’s energy? You might wake up excited and joyful. You start singing as you wait for your coffee. You have a great breakfast, go to your work, and just enjoy your life. In the evening, you meet a friend. And when you meet each other, your friend seems depressed for some reason. You just notice it through their body language and sad voice. And all of a sudden, you feel the energy inside you shifting. You forget about the joy you experienced throughout the day. You also get a bit down. Your friend asks, “How was your day?” And you say, “Same old, same old.” You actually wanted to say, “My day was GREAT! Really had a good time today.” This is a common event in life. We’re all sensitive to signals we get from others. And this is also true the other way around. Others can also be influenced by your mood. When two moods collide, one usually wins, and it’s often the negativity because it’s such a powerful energy. Now, what can you do about this? Some people are committed to avoiding negativity at all costs. They only want to be surrounded by positivity. This is not a realistic desire. It’s the same as saying, “I want to be healthy but I don’t want to work out.” The Stoics had a great way to deal with this issue. They believed in being compassionate, but remaining cautious of another person’s energy. To a Stoic, their own sanity is more important than feeling someone else’s pain. But that doesn’t mean they were distant or cold. Here’s what Epictetus said: “You may see people who are distraught and in tears because they had to part with their child or lost some material possession. Don’t let the impression lead you to think that something bad happened to them. They are not upset by what happened to them but by their view of the situation. However, be careful not to show disdain for their grief. Show them sympathy, use comforting words, and even share their misery outwardly. But make sure that you do not inwardly grieve with them.” You can be there for someone, show sympathy, and express your understanding. But as a Stoic, you should never forget what’s correct judgment. Just because someone is sad because of loss doesn’t mean that’s the correct response according to Stoicism. A person who doesn’t subscribe to Stoic thought doesn’t distinguish what is and what is not within their control. Our job is not to preach our values. Our job is to execute our values in our own minds. Otherwise, we risk becoming patronizing or showing disdain for someone’s feelings. That is not a noble thing to do. We should never waive away someone’s pain and say stuff like, “Why are you upset about that? It’s not even real!” Well, it might not be real to you. But you are not the other. This means that a Stoic respects other people’s emotions. After all, how can someone else tell us what to feel? When we decide to change our view of the world, it’s an internal decision. You could never start living like a Stoic unless you truly believe it’s the right approach. When you’re confronted with other people’s emotions, you might have the urge to suggest possible solutions. You see someone struggling, and you’ve seen how a small mindset shift has improved your life — and you want the same for others! I think that’s a kind thing to desire. But it can come across as controlling or patronizing. Stoics believe in the personal power of themselves and others. They didn’t think they were any better than other people. And they didn’t want to show disdain because they knew others don’t appreciate that. Everyone likes to be their own person. This is actually a good thing. It means you can let others be. That’s how you protect your mood: By not feeling responsible for how others feel. Focus on yourself and be the best person you can be. And if others need your help, you can be there for them.

Every time I lose my motivation or energy, I do the same thing. I return to the pursuit of knowledge. A few weeks ago, I felt a bit unmotivated. You know, it was one of those unexplainable periods that you’re just not that excited about things. Usually, I wake up and I’m excited to get to work or to exercise. It was none of that. Nothing bad really happened, and I felt pretty good physically. I just didn’t feel like doing much. Everyone goes through these phases. But many of us get stuck in these phases, and that’s risky. No one likes to be in a perpetual state of “I don’t feel like doing much” mind. So what can you do to get motivated again? Try this: When you’re lost, unfocused, or lacking motivation, grab a book about a topic you’re interested in. Simply browse the web for anything that you’re curious about and that you want to learn more about. It could be anything. Want to become a better writer? Try reading William Zinsser. Want to become a better stock market trader? Check out Jack Schwager’s books. Want to learn more about human history? Pick up The Dawn of Everything by David Graeber and David Wengrow, which is what I did. I love reading about mankind because the more we understand our ancestors, the more we learn about ourselves. That book by Graeber and Wengrow is really fascinating and provides a new look at human history. David Graeber, who passed away a month after he finished The Dawn of Everything in 2020, was a very curious person. I had the pleasure to talk to him on my podcast, and I could really feel his excitement about the topics he talked about as an anthropologist. His energy and curiosity were contagious. It inspired me to keep pursuing knowledge no matter what happened in life. Around seven years ago, I decided that I was done with pointless entertainment and boredom. After years of going aimlessly through life, I just had enough of having no direction in life. Too often, people assume you need some kind of higher aim in life to be functional. If we’re not like people who work on specific larger-than-life goals, we think our life is useless. That’s not true. If you don’t have a higher purpose, you can make the pursuit of knowledge your purpose. This is also what the Stoics talked about. Seneca was a critic of the aimless life. He once said: “So I would criticize those who busy themselves on something pointless, but admire those who strive for honorable achievement, the more they put effort into it and do not allow themselves to be overcome and bewitched: I will salute them: ‘All the better: rise and breathe deeply and conquer that slope with one breath if you can.’ Effort nourishes noble spirits.” When you make an effort to acquire knowledge, you nourish your spirit. Learning gives you energy, even if you don’t use every single thing you learn. While I’m a big believer in applying knowledge, you never know when you will apply what you’ve learned. For example, I read about investing a lot because I never know when I actually will need a piece of advice. But if I invest the time today to learn, I can refer to that knowledge at some point in the future. And that moment might really change my life. If I never read that wisdom, I could never apply it. When it comes to investing, having knowledge about the history of finance and the stock market helps me to put things in perspective. Ultimately, whether you use knowledge or not, it’s a great way of living. One that gives you energy and can change your life. Seneca said it best: “So what is good? The knowledge of life. What is bad? Ignorance of life.” To have knowledge of life, pursue wisdom in books, articles, and through conversations with other people who are on the same path. When you keep learning, you will never be unmotivated for longer than a few days. Because as soon as you pick up a book that you love, the excitement is so high that the sense of awe propels you forward. Remember: When you’re stuck, always return to the pursuit of knowledge

There are a lot of reasons to be anxious. Not just now, but at any given time in history. It’s the human condition. The truth is that we’re fragile beings. I can go outside right now for a walk, slip on a banana, hit my head on the curb, and it’s lights out. There are a million bad things that could happen to you and me. As Epictetus once said, “If you want to make progress, stop feeling anxious about things.” It’s really difficult to live a happy and peaceful life if you feel anxious all the time. I think it helps if we accept that a little bit of anxiety is a normal part of life. It’s just like feeling hungry. When you don’t eat for a longer period, your body starts giving you signals. “Hey, you! I’m hungry. Feed me. NOW!” So you grab something to eat and your body stops the signaling. That’s actually useful. But your mind works in the same way — which isn’t always helpful. When the mind identifies something it doesn’t like, it says, “You better do something about this thing I don’t like!” One thing that I used to get anxious about is whether people liked me or not. Can you relate to this? I often thought things like, “What if this person I work with doesn’t like me? Why didn’t they respond to my email within an hour? Maybe it’s because I was in a hurry last time we talked?” So what? You can’t make people like you — and that’s fine. The world is a big place. There are always people who will like you. If you’re a good person and are aware of your own behavior, there’s no need to ever worry about what others think of you. That’s not your problem. What about the economy and the future? Yes, that’s another favorite topic for everyone who struggles with anxiety. What if you lose your job? What if there’s a new virus? What if people no longer buy your products? We can train ourselves not to be anxious about these things. The key is to practice detachment. Start with small things. Let’s say you bought $1000 worth of Bitcoin and the next day, you’ve lost 10%, which is a very likely outcome. Say to yourself, “I took a risk, and I’m happy to part ways with the $100 I lost. It might come back, or it might not. Either way, I’m happy to detach from this loss so I can have peace of mind. There are more important things.” You see, anxiety is always about fear. We fear that reality is different than our expectations. But reality doesn’t have to match our expectations for us to feel less anxious. Epictetus explained this well: “Things may not work out the way you want. When you choose not to be anxious, you do it in spite of your unfulfilled expectations. What you lose is what you pay for your peace of mind.” You want and expect people to like you, but if that doesn’t happen, you should accept it, and move on. Don’t give anxiety power over you. Be prepared to pay the price of not being liked. Is that so bad? Is your peace of mind not more important than what your co-workers or strangers think of you? Build up this mindset slowly and have some patience. It took me a few years to get over my anxiety about the future. But there will always remain some traces. To be honest, anxiety will never fully get out of your system. It’s human nature. But with practice, you can make sure anxiety doesn’t have a hold over you. At some point, you will accept that life is what it is. Some people like you, some don’t. Jobs disappear, while new ones are created. Nothing is forever. And for what it’s worth, we’re not getting out of this thing alive either! There’s only one conclusion to this whole story: Nothing is worth giving up your peace of mind for

We often try really hard to get what we want and avoid what we don’t want. On the one hand, we desire certain things that are related to pleasure. You know, the usual stuff: A good job, more fun experiences, laughter, going to nice restaurants, buying clothes or gadgets, getting a new car, posting funny memes on social media. No one can deny those things are pretty fun. And on the other hand, we try hard to avoid bad things in life. You also know what that means: Sickness, joblessness, sadness, pain, suffering, hard work, boredom. If it were up to us, our whole life would be one big party! Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher who was born into slavery during Nero’s reign and became free after the vicious emperor died, often talked about the foolishness of our expectations. He once said: “You are being foolish if you expect your children, spouse, or friends to live forever. You don’t have the power to make this happen. It is equally naïve to expect everyone will be honest. It is not under your control but in the control of others who may act honestly or dishonestly. Therefore, we are at the mercy of whoever has control over things we desire or detest. You can, however, avoid disappointment and be free if you do not desire or avoid things that other people control.” Ouch. Takes a few moments to process that, right? Epictetus was the most direct (and sometimes blunt) Stoic. I think that’s what makes him so credible. When he says things like that, I listen. He’s absolutely right when it comes to avoiding disappointment. I created a book proposal for my next book which is about applying the philosophy of Stoicism to wealth building. I self-published my previous books, which meant I didn’t have to rely on others for distribution. But it also comes with downsides. When you work with a publisher, you can create a much better piece of work, especially if you work with a great editor. That’s also the reason I pursued traditional publishing for my next book, which will be my most important one. But when you go through a process like that, where there’s a lot you don’t control, you can get disappointed when you don’t get what you want. The whole process took almost a year, from finding the right agent, creating a great proposal, sending it out to publishers, talking to them, and listening to their offers. And at every step, things can go south. When the proposal went out, I received many rejections as well. To avoid disappointment, I kept focusing on what I control: My actions and belief in the book. That helped me to stay positive and have great conversations with interested publishers. From Epictetus, I learned to not desire things others control. I didn’t desire to get a yes from any publisher. I also didn’t desire a specific advance. In fact, I didn’t desire to get a deal. I was good with any outcome. If I didn’t get an offer or an offer I didn’t like, I would’ve been good with that. It was not something I wanted to avoid. That helped me to stay calm and rational throughout the process. Eventually, several publishers were interested enough to make an offer, and I went with Portfolio/Penguin because it was really the best fit. The truth is I had a whole plan laid out in case the traditional route didn’t pan out. I knew I couldn’t afford to get disappointed. And the best way to avoid that is to always focus on what you control. As Epictetus said, it’s foolish to expect we have the power to make certain things happen. That doesn’t mean we have to disconnect ourselves from our emotions. We will still be sad when a loved one passes away, even when we realize no one is immortal. That’s not the point of Stoicism. The point is to remind yourself of the outcomes as you’re going through life. For example, when you remind yourself that your mother or father will not live forever, you’re less likely to go hard on them at the family dinner when you talk about politics. You think, “It’s not worth it to get angry. Soon we will not be here anymore.” Ultimately, Stoicism challenges us to think about the long-term impact of our actions. If we do things we will later regret, we only create inner turmoil. If we do things that are in line with Stoic beliefs, we avoid regret. As a result, we have inner peace.

In one of Seneca’s letters to his friend, Lucillius, he shared a lesson he learned about fear: “Cease to hope … and you will cease to fear.” Isn’t hope what propels us forward? Isn’t it nihilistic to give up hope? I must be honest; I do think that hope serves a purpose. As the Dalai Lama said: “I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest.” The topic of hope is a popular one when it comes to motivational posters or social media posts. And there’s truth in what people say about hope. We need to have some kind of faith that tomorrow will be better. Hope can inspire us to be optimistic. But what do you do when tomorrow isn’t better? How do you respond when the things you hoped for never come true? We hope for a lot of things… “I hope there won’t be another Covid surge.” “I hope I can go on a vacation.” “I hope she likes me.” “I hope I get hired.” Let’s face it, the majority of the things we hope for will not come true. That’s the type of hope Seneca was talking about. He continued: “Fear keeps pace with hope … both belong to a mind in suspense, to a mind in a state of anxiety through looking into the future. Both are mainly due to projecting our thoughts far ahead of us instead of adapting ourselves to the present.” This couldn’t be put in a better way. Hope and fear are the same things. When you experience fear, you hope that something doesn’t happen. In the most primitive and ancient way, it’s, “I hope this tiger won’t eat me!” But in today’s safer world, it’s more like, “I hope that the things I don’t want will not happen.” Think about how often you use the phrase, “I hope” so and so happens. I catch myself saying it casually pretty often. But on a deeper level, I don’t hope for things to happen. I do have the faith/hope/belief in a better future. But I have a very abstract type of hope. I don’t want to have a specific type of hope because it only causes fear. When you hope for something, you wish to have the things you want. This is not a peaceful way to live. Just have faith in the future, and then forget about it! Avoid looking into the future for too long. When you notice that you strongly want things to happen, become aware of your thoughts. Correct your self-talk. This is really important because the way you talk enforces your beliefs. When you say, “I hope” all the time, you think it’s normal behavior. You’ll keep hoping, and you’ll probably hope for more. And when things don’t work out, you become disappointed. I picked up a great technique for avoiding that from Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. In her book, she recommends everyone start “wondering” instead of “hoping.” Instead of saying: “I hope I get a new job.” Say: “I wonder what my new job will be.” I like this mindset shift because it’s more like how life really is: Unpredictable. When we hope for things, we think we can control life. We think as long as we really want something badly, it will come true. It’s a form of feeling in control. I can imagine that many people spend their entire lives hoping for one thing after the other. It’s a good way to keep yourself busy. But if you instead start looking at life as a journey that could lead you anywhere, you go about everything differently. You’ll say, “Let’s see what happens.” And as a Stoic, whatever happens, is fine. So life will be fine

Last night, my washing machine broke down. I wanted to quickly wash a sweater that I’ve been wearing a lot so I could let it dry overnight. At least, that’s what I thought when I turned the thing on at 10 pm. It was supposed to be a quick 60-minute program. When I went to check how many minutes were left on the machine almost an hour later, I saw an error code on the screen. “You better not break down on me!” I said out loud as if the machine could hear me. I knew it, the thing didn’t work. I opened the door, and my sweater was drenched in water. I could feel my anger stirring inside. First, I took the sweater to my bathtub and started centrifuging the thing with my hands, like a cowboy in an old Western washing his shirt in the river. As I was wringing the sweater, I was surprised by how heavy it was on my forearms. I actually thought, “This is a good workout,” and felt pretty good about it for a moment. But after doing it for a while, and realizing it takes a long time to get the water out of the cotton, I started getting annoyed. “Why does this happen right now? Why not during the day?” I squeezed enough so the sweater didn’t drip water anymore and hung it to dry. Then I went back to the washing machine and in my stubbornness, set out to find the problem. I wanted to fix the damn machine right there, right then and started pulling it apart. By the time I was finished, it was midnight, I was sweating profusely, and I was pumped up from the adrenaline caused by my anger. This whole episode was totally trivial. Stuff like this happens all the time. We all experience anger in some shape or form. For me, it often comes when things don’t do what they are supposed to, like my washing machine that doesn’t want to wash. In the end, the problem was fixed, but at what cost? Seneca explained the importance of managing anger: “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.” This isn’t just emotionally true; there are physical implications too. When you’re angry or when you beat yourself up because you’re so critical of yourself (which is a form of anger towards yourself), you release cortisol. This isn’t only bad for your body, it’s also bad for your sleep. Cortisol is the primary stress hormone of the human body, and it increases sugars in the bloodstream so your brain operates better during life-and-death situations. It’s a great biological process that likely once saved us from saber-toothed tigers, but it also has the power to destroy us when we get stressed about meaningless things. Cortisol slows down your metabolism, which can seriously disrupt your digestive system. 2000 years ago, Seneca probably didn’t know about the science of cortisol, but he could feel the negative impact anger and stress had. Let’s be real: Every time you get angry, you’re only harming yourself. The things that make you angry are often less hurtful than the effect of anger on your body. That doesn’t mean you should never get angry. Go ahead and get angry when someone threatens your livelihood. But don’t get angry with yourself when something goes wrong, or when you do something wrong in your own eyes. So many of us treat ourselves with anger, that we can use more self-love. Go easy on yourself. After the whole washing machine episode, I had to laugh because it was so stupid. I stood there sweaty, at 12 am, fixing a washing machine, while I should’ve been in bed. I also thought, “At least this experience wasn’t meaningless because I can write about it.” The better response would be to laugh right at the moment I found a drenched sweater in the washing machine, but you know what they say: Better late than never. Instead of beating yourself up and being your own antagonist, be your own comedian. Observe your behavior, and instead of getting angry, become aware of the shortness of life. Realize that most things are not worth getting angry over and laugh it off. Life will be better that way

I’ve been feeling more and more frustrated with my surroundings lately. Every day starts to blend together. You wake up in the same bed, look at the same view, eat your breakfast in the same room, see the same neighbors, and so forth. This is the force that drives so many of us to travel. This feeling of getting bored, frustrated, and annoyed with your life is completely normal. I feel that a few times a year as well. Here’s how I deal with that to make it go away quickly. This desire to change your surroundings is not new. The Stoics wrote about it a lot. Seneca said it best when his friend, Lucilius, complained about how boring his life was, which made Lucilius feel depressed: “Do you think you are the only man this happened to and feel amazed as if this was a new experience, that after such prolonged travels and with such changes of scene you have not shaken off your sadness and depression? You should change your attitude, not your surroundings.” He’s right. Why are we surprised that we get down? I find it especially weird that we insist on blaming our surroundings. “I just need to get out of here.” As if a change of scenery will make our problems go away. There’s no such thing. We think that the problem lies in our surroundings — but the problem is actually our mindset. The problem is not you. It’s human nature to get used to your surroundings. I haven’t met a single person who doesn’t get depressed by their life if there’s no novelty. It doesn’t matter how great your life is, at some point, you adapt your standards. And when that happens, we feel depressed like Lucilius. Sometimes you meet these overly optimistic people who always pretend everything is great. You ask, “How are you? And they say, “Wonderful!” Those are the worst cases. Who on earth feels “wonderful” all the time?! Give me a break. Life is hard and anyone who pretends it’s always amazing is fooling themselves. But here’s the thing: You can snap out of your gloomy mindset. There’s nothing wrong with you; the entity, soul, consciousness, or whatever you want to call yourself. I know this sounds esoteric, but here’s what I remind myself of every time I realize I’m blaming my surroundings: The solution is not out there. The solution is right where you are. All you need to do is change the way you look at things. Don’t immediately try to change other things — even if you have control over them. “But that’s what the Stoics say you should do! Focus on what you control. And I have control over my decisions. And I decide to get a new job or move to another city!” That’s correct. But Stoicism is more subtle and complex than most people think. Just because you control certain things, it doesn’t mean you have to exert your control. The key is to operate from a place of equanimity. Be calm and neutral. Let that be your standard method of operation. Make your decisions from there. When it comes to changing your surroundings, I look at it this way: I would love to take a trip to the Caribbean and do some snorkeling. But I don’t need anything. I’m good the way that I am. Will I go when the time is right? Probably. Will I stay put and enjoy my days if it’s a hassle to go? 100%. There’s no need to change anything to find inner peace. It’s right there where you are. You just have to change your mindset to see it.