F.R.I.E.N.D.S - Script

Scence 1 Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having romantic things. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. [Time Lapse] Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

Scene 2 Ross, Joey, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] Ross: (mortified) Hi. Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... Chandler: Cookie? Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.) Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a ... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was like her... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number? Ross: Sorry. Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (Ross gestures his consent.) Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Scene 3 Monica, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.) Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.] Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide! Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having. Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.) Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

Scene 4 Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Paul, Ross [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few... Rachel: I'm all better now. Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped! Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing. Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.) Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! Joey: Who's Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good... Monica: (horrified) Really? Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.) (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds. Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. (Monica goes to change.) Joey: Hey, Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red. Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey! Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Scene 5 Ross, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.] Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.] Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs. (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.) Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here. Chandler: It's a beautiful thing. Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this? Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket. Joey: Which goes where? Chandler: I have no idea. (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.) Joey: Done with the bookcase! Chandler: All finished! Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here. Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun. Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? Ross: You guys. Chandler: Oh, God. Joey: You got screwed. Chandler: Oh my God!

Scene 7 Rachel, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Paul, Monica, [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.] Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.] Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler) Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats. Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.) Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.) [Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.] Commercial Break [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.] Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. Chandler: That is amazing. Joey: Congratulations. Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do. Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry... Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here. All: Morning. Good morning. Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning. Joey: Morning, Paul. Rachel: Hello, Paul. Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it? (Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.) Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much! Monica: Stop! Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness. Monica: We'll talk later. Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits) Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? Monica: Shut up, and put my table back. All: Okayyy! (They do so.) Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs? Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff. Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor. Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park. Joey: Look, it was a job all right? Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.) Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..." Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)

Scene 6 Monica, Paul, Rachel, Ross, Joey, Chandler [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.] Monica: Oh my God! Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get? Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- Monica: -leg? Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch. Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel. Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you. Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.] Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.) [Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.] Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced! Joey: Shut up! Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.) Ross: That only took me an hour. Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point! Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or I don’t know. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh... Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ... Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... Paul: It's okay... Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? Paul: Two years. Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch! Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.] Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!! Rachel: I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you right now! Ross: Rachel? Rachel: Just get away from me! Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! Ross, you had sex with another woman! Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... She, she was different. Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. (Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.) Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Ross: I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can’t answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! (Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.) Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me! Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!! Ross: Look, I didn’t think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up. Rachel: We were on a break! Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. Rachel: You think you’re gonna get out of this on a technicality? Ross: Look, I’m not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead! Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!! Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen! Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again. Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to. Ross: Don’t you realise none of this would’ve ever happened if I didn’t think at that same moment you weren’t having sex with Mark? Rachel: All right. Let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? Ross: (pause) Yes I would. Rachel: You’d be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? Ross: (less sure) Yes. Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were.... Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it’s, I mean it’s you. !!!! Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you’re thinking? Rachel: I’m thinking, I’m gonna order a pizza. Ross: Order a pizza like, ‘I forgive you?’ (She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.) Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I’m kinda hungry myself. Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza. Ross: No anchovies. Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies. Ross: That’s okay, I’ll just pick ‘em off. Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? [Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there’s one piece left.] Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want. Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. !!!! Ross: What, now you’re not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I’d lost you, I didn’t know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don’t cheat right, I, that’s not me, I’m not Joey! Y'know what, y'know what, I’m-I’m not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You’re the one that bailed on us. You’re the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! Rachel: That’s.... Ross: That’s what?! Rachel: That is neither here nor there. Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I’m sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. (He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....) Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don’t! You can’t just kiss me and think you’re gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just make it better. Okay? Ross: Okay, okay, okay. Rachel: (softly) I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now. Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn’t work past it together... Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know! Ross: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and.... Rachel: (crying) No. I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can’t stop picturing with her, I can’t, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It’s just changed, everything. Forever. Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can’t be it, I mean. (pause) Rachel: Then how come it is? CLOSING CREDITS