Dark side of light chasers II

CHAPTER 9 LETTING YOUR OWN LIGHT SHINE Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,“ says Marianne Williamson in A Return to Love. ”It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” This chapter will show you how to let your entire light shine, how to embrace in yourself all the grace and magnificence you see in others. This means owning and embracing not just your dark shadow but your light shadow, too, everything positive that you’ve denied and projected onto others. We live in a new age. It’s a time of opening up and of healing and growth. It’s not passive but it requires surrender—surrender of our egos and our old patterns. As Charles Dubois once said, “The important thing is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.” The only thing that stops us from being our whole, authentic selves is fear. Our fear tells us that we can’t fulfill our dreams. Our fear tells us not to take risks. It stops us from enjoying our richest treasures. Our fear keeps us living in the middle of the spectrum instead of embracing the full range. Fear keeps us numb. It blocks us from the exuberance and excitement of life. Fearful, we create situations in our lives to prove to ourselves that our self-imposed limitations are appropriate. To overcome our fear, we have to face it and replace it with love. Then we can embrace it. And once we can embrace our fear, we can choose not to be afraid anymore. Love allows us to cut that cord. We fear our own magnitude because it challenges our core beliefs. It contradicts everything we’ve been told. Some of us recognize many of our gifts while others can see only a few, but it’s rare that I meet someone who’s comfortable with the full brilliance of their light. Everyone has different positive traits that he or she has difficulty embracing. Since most of us were told not to be cocky or conceited, we’ve buried some of our most precious gifts. These traits became our light shadow. We carry our light shadow around in the same bag with our dark shadow. It’s just as difficult to take back all the light aspects of ourselves as it is the dark ones. When I was in a drug detox center a woman came in to give a lecture to a group of us. She began by telling us that she’d graduated from college at the top of her class. She had been married for thirteen years and had a fabulous relationship with her husband. She was a great mother and an excellent communicator. As she continued to tell us about all the things that she did well, I thought, “What a conceited bitch. Who does she think she is? Why do we have to listen to her?” Then she stopped, looked each of us in the eye, and said, “I came here to talk to you about self-love. About the importance of acknowledging all your good qualities and being able to share them with the people in your life.” She explained that in order to love ourselves, we had to be willing to let our own light shine brightly. We had to acknowledge ourselves every day for all the good we’ve done. We had to take inventory of our lives and applaud our accomplishments. And when we let our light shine, we’d demonstrate to others that it was okay for them to shine too. I sat in my chair in a state of shock. I sometimes bragged about my talents, but I never believed it was okay to appreciate and honor myself. My bragging came from insecurity, from my never really feeling good enough. The paradox of the situation was that, according to the lecturer, I didn’t feel good about myself because I wasn’t willing to own my God-given gifts. I wasn’t willing to appreciate my talents. For some reason, I had always believed that downplaying the best parts of myself made me a better person. That afternoon I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life: not only is it okay to say nice things about ourselves, it’s imperative. We must recognize our gifts and our talents. We must learn to appreciate and honor all that we do well. We must search out our uniqueness. Many people cannot own their success, happiness, health, beauty, and divinity. They are afraid to see that they are powerful, successful, sexy, and creative. Their fear keeps them from exploring these parts of themselves. But in order to authentically love ourselves we have to embrace all of who we are, not just the dark but the light as well. And learning to recognize our own talents allows us to appreciate and love everyone else’s unique gifts. Take a moment to quiet your mind. Take several slow, deep breaths and slowly read through the list below. After looking at every word, say to yourself, “I am ____,” for every one. For example: I am healthy; I am beautiful; I am brilliant; I am talented; I am rich. Write down any word that you’re uncomfortable with, on a sheet of paper. Include words that represent things that you admire in someone else but don’t embrace in yourself. Satisfied, secure, loved, inspiring, sensual, radiant, delicious, passionate, cheerful, joyful, sexy, forgiving, alive, fulfilled, energetic, confident, flexible, accepting, whole, healthy, talented, capable, wise, honored, holy, empowering, embracing, divine, powerful, free, funny, knowledgeable, affluent, enlightened, realized, balanced, brilliant, successful, worthy, open, compassionate, strong, creative, peaceful, fair, famous, disciplined, responsible, happy, pretty, desirable, blissful, enthusiastic, courageous, precious, fortunate, mature, artistic, vulnerable, radiant, conscious, faithful, magnificent, cosmic, attractive, complete, centered, cherished, romantic, warm-hearted, lucky, assertive, thankful, gentle, quiet, full, soft, wanted, extravagant, decisive, juicy, tender, willing, timely, irresistible, generous, beautiful, calm, carefree, easy going, patient, non-judgmental, cool, thoughtful, spiritual, loyal, connected, articulate, spontaneous, organized, reasonable, humorous, acknowledged, content, adored, playful, clean, fruitful, punctual, fun, understanding, self-assured, dedicated, optimistic, forward, intelligent, credible, active, glamorous, fearless, vivacious, warm, focused, innovative, nurturing, superstar, wonderful, leader, solid, champion, rich, choice-maker, simple, genuine, giving, assertive, adorned, prolific, productive, bold, sensitive You possess all these qualities. All you have to do to manifest them is unconceal, own, and embrace each one. If you can see where in your life you have expressed a certain trait, or in what situations you can imagine yourself expressing a trait, you can own it. You must be willing to say, “I am that.” The next step is to find the gift in that trait. Unlike our dark shadow, the gift is often obvious. But many of us have to face our own fear and resistance. Many of us have developed sophisticated defense mechanisms to reinforce our belief that we’re not as talented or creative as someone else. And it’s vitally important to be just as committed to embracing the positive as the negative. It may be particularly tough to embrace certain traits that contradict external reality. It’s difficult to embrace the word “rich” if you’re out of work and in debt. In a case like this it’s important to be able to imagine circumstances where you could become rich. A new job or career. If you cannot embrace a given word it’s unlikely you will manifest the experience. When you look in the mirror and see an overweight person this can complicate things when the word you cannot embrace is “skinny.” But if you don’t own the skinny person within yourself, he or she will never be able to come out. If you’re single and want to be married, you’ll have to embrace your married aspect. For each of us, the things we resist will differ. Some of them will have lots of evidence to support your belief that they don’t belong to you, but we can each find these aspects within us when we search with commitment. Marlene was a woman in her early forties who attended my course. She was physically beautiful, but looked rather tired and sad. I went through the list of positive traits with the group and asked everyone to write down the words they couldn’t embrace. Marlene had about twenty. We began with the same exercise we used for the negative traits, except this time Marlene sat in a chair while two people sat directly in front of her. Marlene began by saying, “I am successful” and the two other people mirrored back the word, saying, “You are successful.” During this exercise I watched Marlene own several traits. Then I looked at her list and told her to own the words “sexy” and “desirable.” Marlene paused and shook her head. She said there wasn’t a chance she could embrace those words. It turned out that Marlene was desperately trying to heal her relationship with her husband. Several months earlier she had discovered that he was having an affair and she was feeling very undesirable. When she finally started working on “sexy,” at first she could hardly utter the word. Then, after a little coercing, she said, “I am sexy,” but without any emotion. For about ten minutes she was just going through the motions. Marlene was sure sexy was not part of who she was, because she believed that if she were sexy, her husband wouldn’t have cheated on her

Marlene was doing this exercise with two women partners. I decided to ask a very attractive young man to change places with them. Marlene got very nervous when I told her that Tom was going to be her partner. When he pulled his chair up in front of Marlene and said, “You’re sexy,” she just sat there staring at him. Kneeling next to Marlene, I urged her to repeat the words back to Tom. With tears running down her face, Marlene finally said, “I am sexy.” Tom looked Marlene right in the eye and said, “Yes, you are sexy.” Marlene once again uttered, “I am sexy.” They continued back and forth twenty times until Marlene could finally say, “I am sexy,” without cringing or crying. I then asked Tom to help Marlene embrace the word “desirable.” Tom once again leaned forward in his chair and with utter certainty said, “Marlene, you are desirable.” Marlene instantly started crying uncontrollably. No one, herself included, had told her that she was desirable for years. We worked with Marlene until she was ready to say “I am desirable.” It started out as a mere whisper. Tom grabbed her hands, saying again, “You are desirable.” Marlene joined in, repeating the words, “I am desirable,” all the time feeling deep sadness about her relationship with her husband. It took Marlene almost a half an hour before she could deal with the word desirable, but once she had said it out loud enough times she was able to evoke the memory of a time when she felt desirable. I could see in her face the moment she remembered that part of herself. Something lit up and reconnected her with that sacred part of her being. When she finally got it I asked her to stand up and scream, “I am desirable!” Marlene did it with joy in her eyes, and everyone applauded. We’d all been through an amazing process. It felt like we had given birth to a new person. Feeling the pain of embracing certain things you’ve denied is essential to this process. Not all disowned aspects evoke such strong emotions, but when you find one that does, stay with it until you break the hold it has over you. The act of repeating a word over and over to yourself may bring a variety of responses. You might feel anger, resignation, fear, shame, guilt, joy, excitement, or any number of emotions. There is no right way to feel. But the important thing is to stay with it. No matter what you feel, don’t run away, because by committing to the process of taking back the disowned parts of yourself, you’re telling the universe you’re ready to be whole. Owning a positive trait that you’ve previously denied is scary, because it requires you to leave all your stories and excuses behind. You have to let go of all the reasons why you haven’t gotten everything you’ve wanted in life. There was a woman named Patty in one of my courses who was unable to own “successful.” She’d spent her entire adult life taking care of her husband and children. As a little girl, she’d been told to forget about her dream of playing the cello professionally. She was taught that a good woman got married and had children. Once or twice she’d mentioned to her husband that she would like to take cello lessons, but he’d always replied that it was a waste of money. Patty was now nearly sixty years old, with grown-up children on their own. And when she wrote down the names of people she admired, they were all successful women in the arts. When it was Patty’s turn to do the mirroring exercise, she couldn’t say, “I am successful.” She was somewhere between laughing and crying. Patty had decided that success meant having a career. But when I asked Patty if she had been a successful mother, she said yes, all her children were doing well. Then I asked if she had a successful marriage and Patty smiled, answering yes, she’d been married more than thirty years. I asked Patty if she had ever made a successful meal and she laughed and said she was a pretty good cook. Slowly, Patty began to see she was successful. It took Patty nearly twenty minutes to say the word, but eventually she owned it. She left the course walking tall. Ten months later I got a letter from Patty saying she’d started playing the cello again at a little theater near her home when they needed her. She said that having embraced her success she now felt confident enough to manifest more of her desires. We are taught not to acknowledge our greatness. Most of us believe we possess some positive traits but not others. But we are all things: those that make us laugh as well as those that make us cry. We are every beautiful and ugly trait rolled into one. It is time to manifest all of your qualities. When you can own your entire list you will truly be in the presence of God. Harry was a seventy-five-year-old man who had been in a recovery program for codependency for almost ten years. He came with his wife to my course to see if he could heal their troubled relationship. The moment I met Harry he told me how emotionally sick he was. He had been in a twelve-step program so he was comfortable affirming his unhealthy emotional state. We began owning positive traits and when I saw Harry’s list there were two words that were missing: healthy and whole. Harry didn’t believe it was possible for him to be emotionally healthy. So I gave him an exercise. For the rest of the day every time he wanted to say he was sick he had to say he was healthy and whole. I could tell Harry was having trouble digesting these qualities. In the middle of the day, when we began mirroring positive traits, Harry, with deep resignation, started to say, “I am healthy.” He was able to embrace that word and move on to, “I am whole.” We were all moved by Harry’s courage and determination. He told us during the middle of the exercise that he finally got it, and that this was the first time he ever remembered embracing the healthy, whole part of himself. The day continued to open up for Harry when we did a forgiveness exercise with the group. After owning all his positive and negative qualities, Harry was able to unplug from the negative projections he had made on his wife. This allowed Harry to see Charlotte as a strong, beautiful, loving woman who cared for him deeply, instead of an unhealthy woman in a codependent relationship. Harry and Charlotte then were able to do the exercise together, and they had a tremendous healing. They both expressed a great deal that they’d been withholding. By embracing their own light they were able to embrace each other’s. Soon after the seminar, Harry had a stroke and died. His wife called to thank me for my work with her husband. Charlotte told me that a profound healing had taken place within Harry when he embraced all of himself. He had allowed his marriage to be strong and exciting for the first time in years. Charlotte also said that Harry knew he was going to die, and from reading the journal Harry had kept during the course, she knew that he died at peace, loving and accepting his total self. He saw divinity not just in himself but in his wife. Charlotte wept tears of joy that they had the opportunity to experience each other’s beauty before Harry left this earth. Once we take back our positive projections we experience inner peace—the deep peace that lets us know we are perfect exactly the way we are. Peace comes when we stop pretending to be something other than our true selves. Many of us don’t even realize we are pretending to be lesser people than we really are. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that who we are is not enough. Allow the world within to manifest itself and it will show you the road to freedom—freedom to be sexy, desirable, talented, healthy, and successful. When you don’t recognize your full potential you don’t allow the universe to give you your divine gifts. Your soul yearns to realize its full potential. Only you can allow this to happen. You can choose to open your heart and embrace all of yourself, or you can choose to live with the illusion of who you are today. And forgiveness is the most important step on this path to self-love. We must see ourselves with the innocence of a child, and accept our misdeeds and misgivings with love and compassion. We have to set aside our harsh judgments and come to terms with the mistakes we’ve made. We must know that we’re worthy of forgiveness. This divine gift teaches us that part of being human is making mistakes. Forgiveness comes from the heart, not the ego. Forgiveness is a choice. At any moment in time we can give up our resentments and judgments and choose to forgive ourselves and others. When we take back all our projections and find our gifts, we’re able to find compassion for ourselves. It then becomes natural to have compassion for those whom we have resented. When we see in ourselves what we’ve hated in others, we can take responsibility for what exists between ourselves and them. Rilke wrote that “perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once, beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something that needs our love.” Love which does not include total acceptance of you is incomplete. Most of us are trained to look outside ourselves for the love we need. But when we let go of our need for love from the external world the only way to comfort ourselves is to go within, to find what we strive to get from others and give it to ourselves. We all deserve it. We must allow the universe within, our divine mother and father, to love us and nourish us. When my friend Amy was going through her divorce and trying to heal her relationship with her husband, she couldn’t seem to shake loose of her anger. Every day something would come up that would leave her upset. Amy was desperately trying to love herself through this emotional process, but it often seemed impossible. Finally, in an attempt to clear her negative feelings, Amy wrote out a list of all the things she loved and hated about Ed. Of course, this was quite a long list on both sides, but slowly Amy was able to take back her positive projections, as well as most of her negative ones.

Yet again and again one word kept coming up that Amy couldn’t own. The word was “dead.” When Amy was angry she saw Ed as emotionally dead. She tried embracing herself as dead but she couldn’t see how she was like him. Amy had all the evidence in the world to prove how emotionally alive she was. Amy could easily laugh, scream, and cry. She experienced the entire spectrum of emotions. But nevertheless the word that affected her was “dead.” So she continued her search to find the dead part of herself. Months passed. Amy’s divorce was final, and she was fine. But whenever she got upset, there was that word again—dead. Then Amy started dating Charles, who was much younger than she. One day she and her son, Bobby, were going on an outing with Charles. When Charles got in the car, he popped out the Sesame Street tape that they always listened to and put in Aaron Neville. He started singing and turning around to laugh with Bobby, who was shining bright at all the excitement. Suddenly tears started pouring down Amy’s cheeks. She couldn’t stop. It was such a beautiful moment; she didn’t know why she was so upset. Then Amy realized she was feeling dead. Here was Charles, young, full of energy, excited about life, and she realized a part of her was dead. A part of her had stopped jumping around, singing and dancing. The good news was that after she embraced this dead part of herself, Ed no longer plugged her in. By loving and nourishing this disowned aspect, Amy was able to forgive both Ed and herself. It was her anger with Ed that had led her on this treasure hunt to find this hidden part of herself. Without it Amy wouldn’t have discovered this part of herself that needed to be awakened. By embracing her deadness she was able to reclaim her aliveness. Search around for stored-up anger. If you are fearful about discovering your anger, remember that your power is buried along with it. Anger is only a negative emotion when it is suppressed or dealt with in an unhealthy way. When you have compassion for yourself you can easily allow all aspects of yourself, your love and your anger, to coexist within you. Whenever I’m judging myself or others, I know I’m holding onto negative interpretations of a quality or an event. It is essential at times like this to let myself express my emotions in a healthy way. A woman named Carla came into one of my courses with a big smile on her face and a beautiful glow surrounding her. Carla worked hard during our weekend workshop, but when it came time to do anger work she froze. Carla said she had no anger. We were working on an exercise that involved hitting pillows with a plastic bat. Exercises like batting usually release a lot of blocked energy. Carla, a large woman and about forty pounds overweight, should have been able to clobber those little pillows, but she could hardly find the strength to raise the bat over her head. After the session I went for a walk with Carla and casually started to talk about the power of anger. I suggested that our anger often holds the key to opening our hearts, and when released it allows all our vital life energy to How through us. Still, Carla couldn’t admit she was holding in any anger. I asked her why she had so much trouble losing her unwanted fat. She told me it was a temporary problem. I suggested that Carla do anger release work for thirty days even if she didn’t feel angry. I told her that if she just batted pillows every day for five or ten minutes it could unleash some amazing things that were buried inside of her. When Carla asked me what she should think about while batting I suggested if she really couldn’t find anything that made her mad she should just bat the fat. Months went by before I spoke to Carla again. When she finally called me she was still having trouble losing weight, making money, and finding the intimate relationship she desired. My first question was about the anger-release work I had suggested. She told me she wasn’t doing it because “I’m not angry at myself or anyone else.” I told her that if we don’t have everything we desire it’s because we’re withholding it from ourselves—we feel we aren’t worthy. When we feel unworthy, it’s often because we think there’s something bad about us. And when we feel there’s something fundamentally bad about us we usually feel angry. Carla still insisted she had no resentments towards herself or others. An entire year went by before Carla called back. Her first words were, “Guess what? I’m hostile!” I shouted with joy! Carla had found her hidden qualities. She said she’d felt stuck the entire year. Nothing in her life had been going well. Finally, in a crunch for money, Carla had taken a roommate into her home. After about a week, she started feeling angry and hostile towards this woman. No matter how she tried to hide these feelings, every time her roommate walked into her home Carla felt upset. She decided she’d made a big mistake, and told the woman she would have to move out. Not having anywhere to go, the woman told Carla she would move out when she found another place to live. Carla was beside herself and asked the woman to move immediately. She found herself doing what she called “evil things” to get rid of her. Finally Carla threatened the woman, telling her if she didn’t move within three days she would throw all her belongings out on the lawn. Carla’s deeply hidden dark side finally showed its face, and she could no longer deny these shadow aspects of herself. Carla was able to see her anger, own it, and embrace it. She told me it was so shocking at first that she didn’t know what to do. So she used the tools she’d learned in the course and went within herself to find the gift of Hostile Harriet. In response to the question “What is your gift to me?” Hostile Harriet said her gift was life energy. She told Carla if she would love and honor her she would give her all the energy she needed to fulfill her dreams. Carla was able to pick up the bat that had lain unused in her house for over a year and whack her pillows till the stuffing came out. She told me how good it felt to let out all that anger and rage. Months later Carla felt better than she had in years. She had accepted another aspect of herself and forgiven herself for her angry feelings. Her business tripled and she started an exercise and diet plan to rid herself of her unwanted weight. It often takes time before we’re able to see certain aspects of ourselves. Even when we have all the knowledge and tools to embrace all of our selves, there will be times when we aren’t ready to see something painful about ourselves. The truth is that the healing you’re looking for in your relationships will not come from another person. It must come from you first. It will come from communion with all the qualities that live within you. Desperation comes from the gulf between God and self. To remember we are one with all is to reawaken the God within us. Our divinity and our passion are intertwined. When we awaken our passion we awaken our divinity. We have learned that passion is intended for external things, other people, other places, other things. It’s time to unleash your passion for yourself. And finding love for all of who you are is a complex task. It should be easy and natural, but for most of us it’s the most difficult job we will ever encounter. If you’ve been working for a long time and haven’t been able to fully love and embrace all of who you are, don’t be discouraged. This is our biggest assignment. It is the assignment we were sent here to fulfill. At this point I suggest creating rituals for yourself if you’re serious about doing the work of nurturing yourself. When I tell people to go home and nurture themselves they often look puzzled. They always ask, “How do I do that?” It is different for everyone but the most important thing is to have the intention of nurturing yourself. Once you have the intention, you can work on the specifics. Start by taking a baby picture of yourself and putting it up in a place where you’ll see it a couple of times a day. If you go to an office every day put another one there. This baby is an aspect of you, which if cared for will bring you all the joy and happiness you ever desired. You might look a little different from the self in that photo, but you’re still a beautiful being. Our hearts open up to love when we see babies. We project all our love and innocence onto them. When my son was born, it amazed me that strangers came up to me everywhere I went. They told me how beautiful my baby was, how sweet he was, how healthy he looked, how special he was. None of these people had ever seen him or me before, and yet all of them were sure that he had these particular traits. They projected some aspect of themselves onto him and shared it with me. My son could have been a nightmare, but no one would have noticed. Consider what you project onto babies. Do you think about their beauty, their innocence, their perfection, or their sweetness? Do you think they’re spoiled, out of control, selfish, or rotten? Do you think they have bad parents who don’t know how to care for them? Whatever your thoughts, remember that they’re all aspects of you that you’re projecting. Unless you’ve spent time with a child and can give an objective evaluation, you’re probably seeing some aspect of yourself in them. Putting up a baby picture often makes people think about the innocence within them. Most of us have more compassion for babies than we do for other adults or for ourselves. If a baby knocked over a glass of water near your computer, would you look at him or her with disgust or would you see the innocence of a child and just clean the water up? We judge babies less. Think of yourself as an innocent child who only needs your love, care, and approval. Allow this child to receive that love. Imagine yourself giving love to this child every day. Close your eyes and let an image of yourself when you were young come to the front of your mind. Ask, “What can I do for this child today? How can he or she feel loved and nurtured?” Listen to your inner voice. Hear what this being within

you wants and needs. They might need to hear you say, “I love you, I accept you,” or “I appreciate you.” They might want a night off from your busy schedule, a trip to the movies, or an afternoon nap. Most often people seem to need rest and appreciation. We’re so busy being busy that we’ve forgotten how to take care of ourselves. Morning is a sacred time for all of us to connect with our divinity. As the stillness of night gives way to a new day, the thoughts and feelings of the morning can set the foundation for our entire day. Taking just a few minutes in the morning for yourself before you start rushing around sets the stage for a wonderful day. Try giving yourself an oil massage before your shower, and thank God for all the parts of your body. Starting with your head, rub in the oil and thank God for your features, your senses, your voice, ears, and brain; then work down to your beautiful neck and shoulders, into your arms and hands, and through your chest and stomach. Thank your body for being there for you, for housing your soul, and for being a strong foundation. Move into your buttocks and then down your legs, making sure you focus your attention on every part of your body that you are massaging. When you get to your feet remember that they’ve carried you around for many years so take the time to bless them and appreciate them. With your eyes closed, scan your entire body and feel whether there is any place where you feel stress or uneasiness. Bring your loving attention to these areas: thank them for communicating with you and let the tension leave your body now. If you don’t have time for the oil massage, you can use a variation while taking your shower. Wash each part of your body with love, and acknowledge that area for doing its job and supporting the rest of your body. This whole process doesn’t have to take more than five minutes. If you have more time, then spend more time. The important thing is to honor yourself. Give yourself the message that you are important. Honor and respect your genius. By authentically honoring and respecting yourself, you’ll be able to do the same for others, drawing like-minded people and positive situations into your life. You could also take time every night to do something special for yourself. A bath is a great way to relax and unwind from the day. Lighting candles, turning down the lights, and sinking into a tub full of warm water is a wonderful way to nurture yourself. You can meditate, just be silent, or listen to music that feeds your soul. If you don’t like baths, you could try setting up a nurturing environment for yourself every night before you go to bed. Lighting candles, using aromatherapy or incense to enliven your mood—these are all great ways to end your day. Turn on music or meditate in silence but allow the nurturing ambiance you design to penetrate your whole being. When I first started my own healing process I made a list of all the things I could do for myself. It took me a while to figure out that going to the gym was not nurturing my soul. It did have a purpose, which was to make me look better and stay healthier, and it was good for my ego, but it didn’t nurture my spirit. It’s important to distinguish between what’s good for your self respect and what’s good for your soul. I had just broken up with a man at the time and was feeling quite lonely. Instead of sinking into my sadness I decided to take on the project of falling in love with myself. Every night I’d make myself a beautiful dinner, even though I didn’t really know how to cook very well. When I went to the store I’d ask myself, “What could I eat tonight that would nourish me?” While I was eating I’d listen to music and light incense. After dinner I’d make a fire for myself and light candles all over my house. It was mood setting just for me. After a week or two, I couldn’t wait to go home and be with myself. Instead of waiting to find someone to romance me, I romanced myself—and it worked. This nighttime ritual changed everything in my life. Every day I woke up feeling content, relaxed, and good about myself. Every day I learned more about nurturing my soul. Do for yourself what you would like someone to do for you. If you like flowers, buy yourself flowers. Play soft music, light candles. Go to a store and find some aromas that you like and start using them every day. Become important to yourself. Getting dressed for dinner even if you’re dining alone can be a nurturing experience if you don’t often pay attention to your appearance. Put on clothes that make you feel good even if you’re not going out. Treat yourself like royalty. You are! The world mirrors yourself back to you. If you love, nourish, and appreciate yourself internally it will show up in your external life. If you want more love, give more love to yourself. If you want acceptance, accept yourself. I promise that if you love and respect yourself from the deepest place of your being, you will call forth that same level of love and respect from the universe. If you think you are doing this and your external world does not look like you think it should, I ask you to look inside one more time. Uncover the lie. Uncover what you are not allowing yourself to have, what you most desire.

EXERCISES 1. . This exercise is designed to identify and release toxic emotional energy. Our focus will be on forgiveness. Our intention is to release any emotion that’s blocking you—anger, resentment, regret, or guilt—feelings that stop you from forgiving yourself or someone else. Journaling is a good tool to help process your emotions. It encourages whatever comes into your mind to flow out onto the paper. It allows the emotional toxicity in our bodies and minds to express itself freely. Once we can grant this toxicity being and allow it to exist without judgment it will be released. Start by clearing off anything on your lap or in your way. All you need to have close by is your journal and a pen. You might want to put on some soft music, and light some candles or incense to help you relax. Now close your eyes. Use your breath to quiet your mind and surrender to the process. Take five slow, deep breaths. With your eyes closed, imagine being in an elevator and push the button that will take you to the fifth floor. As the door opens, you see that you are in a beautiful garden. As you gaze out at the greenery and the flowers, you see a nice chair, a perfect place for you to sit and relax. As you sit down comfortably in this chair, take another slow, deep breath. Now ask yourself the following questions and allow the answers to come to you. Then open your eyes and write them down. Repeat this process for each of the four questions, making sure to close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths so you can clear your mind and hear the answers from your heart. a. What story have I created about who I really am that explains my current life circumstances? Journal b. What resentments, old wounds, anger, or regrets do I carry in my heart? Journal c. Who in my life have I been unwilling to forgive? Journal d. What needs to happen for me to forgive myself and others? Journal e. Now make a list of people you need to forgive and write a short letter to them. If your list is long, write as many letters as you can. What you don’t finish now you can complete later. f. What do you need to say to yourself to be current with your life up to now? 2. . Write a forgiveness letter to yourself. Make a list of the three people you admire the most. Write down three qualities that inspire you about each of them. Then make a master list of the nine qualities. Go through the list of positive traits on pages 139—40 and write down any that you cannot embrace within yourself. Add these words to your list of nine positive qualities. Now, bring this list of words and go sit or stand in front of a mirror. Taking each word individually, look into your own eyes, and repeat the following sentence: “I am (a) ____.” Continue to repeat the sentence until you no longer feel any resistance to the word. Choose a time each day to own one or two words from your list. If you get stuck and are unwilling or unable to own a particular word, move on and come back to it later.

CHAPTER 10 A LIFE WORTH LIVING Manifesting your dreams begins with the difficult task of discovering what they truly are. As children, we follow the footsteps of our parents and teachers. Most of us accept their guidance and wisdom about what classes to take in school. They influence our choice of hobbies, sports, and clubs that fill up our free time. As we get older we often choose our careers and our mates based on ideals established by our elders. But at what point do we stop listening to these external voices and tune in to our inner guides? When do we decide that perhaps the path we’re on is not really our own? Could this be the reason we feel something is missing in our lives? These are the kinds of questions we fear most because they require us to second-guess what we’ve been taught. Have you ever questioned your belief in God? For some, to question holy doctrine is a mortal sin. But if we don’t challenge our most basic beliefs we won’t grow as spiritual beings. Our lives will simply run along lines established by our parents, and we’ll never go beyond those boundaries that were set when we were kids. This chapter is about stepping out into unknown territory. It will guide you towards manifesting a life of greatness and serenity. Instead of saying, “I can’t do that,” you need to ask, “Why shouldn’t I do that? What am I afraid of?” That question challenges the ties that bind you. This chapter is dedicated to finding your life’s purpose. Questioning whether you’re on the right path may sound easy. The difficult part is hearing the answer from the heart. Your head will have one response, but your heart may have another. Fear may urge you to maintain your current direction, yet love may urge you to take a turn. You must quiet your mind to hear your highest calling. You must open your heart to find where love resides. If you choose to follow your passions and desires, then you must be still enough to hear the answers from your soul. Walk out only as far as you can stand with your head above water and the scenery will always look the same. Dare to venture into deeper waters and a magical world awaits you. But we’re afraid to drown. Afraid to be wrong. Afraid to fail. Are your desires important enough to make you willing to face your fears? Do you want it bad enough? The choice is yours. You can choose to change your attitude from resignation to commitment, from a state of fear to a state of love. The first step is to question yourself, to literally change your internal statements to questions. Change “I am a failure” to “Could I be a success?” Change “I am bored with my life” to “Could I be exhilarated?” Change “My life doesn’t make a difference” to “Could I make a difference in the world?” Our need to be right, to feel safe, stands in our way of this commitment to life. We feel unsafe if we question our motives. Would you rather be right about being powerless or be wrong about your ability to be great? Would you rather be in control of a small sum of money or unsure about how to balance a large bank account? Would you prefer to stay in a job you dislike or risk creating a business you love? Are you happy? Are you following your heart’s desires? If you knew you only had one year to live would you be doing what you are doing now? Would you make the same choices for your life? Close your eyes and focus on a place deep inside where you feel safe and comfortable. Ask yourself what you’d like to be doing right now in your life. Ask why you’re not pursuing that dream. What are you afraid of? Ask yourself the question I just posed you: what you would do if you only had one year to live? What would you change? Holding the answers in the stillness of your heart, make the commitment to alter your life so that you may manifest your dreams. Make the commitment to always listen and hear your own truth. Make the commitment to let the universe guide you toward your heart’s desire. Just making these commitments will change your life. By doing so you are telling yourself and the universe, “I am worthy of having what I desire and I am going to do what it takes to fulfill my desire.” W. H. Murray wrote: Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would come his way. Whatever you can do, or you can dream, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Without commitment the universe cannot bring forth the events we need to realize our desires. Unfortunately, most of us don’t commit to what we really desire. We lie in bed at night and pray for a better life, a better body, a better job, but nothing changes. This is because we are lying to ourselves. What we pray for and what we have committed to are often totally different things. We pray for a healthy lifestyle but we are committed to being sedentary. We pray for a rewarding relationship but we are committed to sitting at home. We are most comfortable with the status quo. But when we realize that no one is coming to save us, or do it for us, and that our old wounds are there whether we love them or hate them, then we realize that we’re the ones who have to fulfill our potential. It’s easier to blame others than to take responsibility. “What if I fail? What if it hurts? What will others think of me?” I first got off of drugs a couple weeks before my twenty-ninth birthday. I had chosen the path of drug-induced intoxication for almost fifteen years. My life was full of pain and depression. On the outside I looked like I had it all together, but inside I was dying. After being released from my fourth treatment center, I finally made a commitment to heal my life. Before this moment whenever I felt a little bad or a little angry or a little lonely I would head right back down the road that was taking me nowhere. But on this one beautiful Miami day, I was driving down the street in my convertible feeling the breeze across my face. I was completely in the present moment, full of gratitude for being alive and being straight. A vision came to me that I could really heal myself from all my addictions: cigarettes, drugs, food, shopping, and men. I saw myself going around the country, sharing my message of health. I heard myself saying “You can do it, you can have it all, you can heal yourself completely!” My body trembled with emotion. I felt exhilarated and scared at the same time. I felt an overwhelming need to give back all the love and support that had been given to me. At that moment, sitting at a stop light in front of the Aventura Mall in North Miami Beach, I knew that my life could and would make a difference. I knew that if I made a commitment to do whatever it took to work through all my anger, rage, stubbornness, righteousness, to confront my ego and all its grandiosity, I knew that I, Deborah Sue Ford, could give something to this world. This is the vision that brought me to this point in my life. Whenever I wanted to stop, give up working on my emotional life, a little voice within me would say, “No. You’re not finished. You’re not healed.” Every time I wanted to point my finger and blame another human being, a small voice within would ask, “What is your role in this drama? Why are you bringing this into your life?” Every cell in my body was aligned with my commitment to heal completely. So whenever I didn’t want to go to therapy or attend a seminar or deal with the next layer of my pain I did it anyway, because I was more committed to healing than I was to feeling good all the time. I went to Overeaters Anonymous meetings, not because I was overweight but because I found myself eating entire chocolate cakes in a sitting. I had taken drugs to change the way I felt, and I began to see how I might easily do the same with food. Because of my commitment, I chose not to substitute one addiction for another. I could have just eaten myself into oblivion, but I chose to deal with the issue. I knew that to truly change my life I was going to have to be uncomfortable for a while. This commitment to heal was the catalyst for my transformation. Without it I would have continued to numb my pain with addictive behaviors. I want you to know that I’m far from what you might consider perfect. But it’s no longer my mission to be perfect. My mission now is to be whole, to be complete, to be perfect and imperfect at the same time. My mission now is to listen to my inner wisdom and to live my life as fully as possible. My commitment now is to love myself as much as humanly possible, for I know that when I do I will in return be able to love you. The processes I share with you are the ones that ended my suffering and gave me the knowledge and the courage to heal myself completely. If I hadn’t lived from this core commitment, I wouldn’t be writing this book right now. This commitment led me to explore hundreds of different healing modalities. This commitment intuitively guided me to people, places, and experiences that taught me the lessons I needed. Don’t be afraid if you don’t know what you want. Simply make a commitment to live up to your full potential. Live in the moment, and the universe will show you your unique gifts. Your commitment will guide you to the places

you need to go, the books you need to read, and the people who will assist and teach you. There’s an old Buddhist saying, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” I’ve had hundreds of teachers appear in my life over the last fourteen years. They’ve shown up in the form of girl-friends, lovers, and business partners. Some of them have shown up as thieves and liars. Everyone that I have formed a relationship with—positive or negative—has come into my life to teach me, guide me, and help fulfill my commitment. My friend Annimika says, “Everyone who comes to your door is coming to heal you.” Even the people who come to my seminars are there to heal me. Understanding this has changed every interaction I have with other people. I have a friend who is at least a hundred pounds overweight. He constantly tells me how well he eats and that his diet is not the problem. In a sense he’s right. Food is not the problem. The problem is that he lies to himself about his eating habits. He is a food addict and is unwilling to acknowledge it and go for help. Addiction is powerful. Denial is a killer. It kills people’s chances of achieving their goals. When we make a commitment we have to be willing to dig at the roots of our current situations. If you’re really committed to losing weight, then discovering you’re a food addict is a blessing—it’s a necessary step in the process of achieving your goal. But if your first commitment is to believing that you don’t have an eating disorder or that you just have a poor metabolism, it will be very difficult to achieve your secondary desire to lose weight. Dig deep enough to find the true cause of your problem, make your commitment, and your dreams will come true. Be a warrior when it comes to manifesting your dreams. So many people I’ve met talk about their passions as if they were treasured coins, locked in museum cases. They pray silently late at night for their dreams to come true, but their fears and resignation make them passive. Do you know who gets that coin? It’s the person who makes a plan of action, the person who writes a mission statement. The person who commits. This is the road to a more enlightened life, to living the truth. My friend John is a thirty-six-year-old songwriter and singer with extraordinary musical talent. When I first started talking to John about his musical gifts he wouldn’t even listen to me. He would say, “Please, stop, I don’t want to think about it.” It took a long time before John admitted he had fantasized about winning a Grammy and performing his music in front of millions of people. But after a while, whenever John spoke about his music and his dreams his entire face began to light up. When he played his songs his passion radiated from deep within him. It was so clear that John’s music was his heart’s desire, and as he began to see it himself, he needed only to manifest it. One evening I sat down with John and we looked at what underlying commitments he had that would stop him from becoming a best-selling singer and songwriter. We took a sheet of paper and on one side articulated his commitment to becoming a famous singer-songwriter, and on the other side we wrote out all his beliefs that would stop him from fulfilling this dream. Here’s what it looked like:     Underlying commitments I, John Palmer, can’t do this because I’m not talented enough. It’s not a realistic goal. It’s not what a good Italian boy would do. I didn’t study enough when I was taking piano lessons. I just spent the last five years trying something similar and didn’t make it, so why would I make it at this? I’m just a kid and I’m not ready to face it. I don’t have time for unrealistic dreams. I have to get a real job.   All these underlying commitments and beliefs had kept John from ever seriously considering his music as a career. As an outsider I couldn’t imagine why John couldn’t see his talent the way I experienced it. But when we gave a voice to all of his fears, it was easy to see why John never pursued a career in the music industry. John was unconsciously more committed to the obstacles than he was to discovering if his vision had any validity. We have to unconceal all the beliefs that keep us from attaining our dreams. I call these underlying commitments because they are agreements we have made with ourselves to not reach our true goals. Whether you decide to go after your dreams or not, it’s important to question what’s driving you, as well as what gets in the way of your heart’s desires. If we don’t ask these questions, we’ll continue to sell our lives short. Whether your goal is to diet, to make more money, or to have a better relationship, you need to go back and discover your underlying commitments and beliefs. You don’t need to suppress these beliefs. You need to allow them to exist, so you can choose ones which empower you and leave the rest behind. Take a moment now and pull out a piece of paper. Write down a goal that you haven’t been able to fulfill. Write down all your beliefs and underlying commitments that relate to that goal. Write them quickly, without trying to think too hard, and they’ll just flow out of you. Then go back and question each one. Is this belief a fact or a judgment? This is a vitally important question. When we went through John’s list it looked like this:   Underlying commitments JUDGMENT: I, John Palmer, can’t do this because I’m not talented enough. JUDGMENT: It’s not a realistic goal. JUDGMENT: It’s not what a good Italian boy would do. JUDGMENT: I didn’t study enough when I was taking piano lessons. JUDGMENT: I just spent the last five years doing something similar and didn’t make it at that. Why would I make it at this? JUDGMENT: I’m just a kid and I’m not ready to face it. JUDGMENT: I don’t have time for unrealistic dreams. I have to get a real job.   Everything in John’s way was a judgment, either his own or that of a friend or family member. And these judgments were running John’s life. Unfortunately, most of us are in the same situation. We allow our internal beliefs to control our lives. It’s interesting to discover that our friends and family can usually be found repeating the same beliefs that we’ve adopted. They convince us, or we convince them that these judgments are true. I was recently at a party with several of John’s friends. When I brought up the subject of his music three different people repeated to me, almost word for word, why John couldn’t make it in the music business. Did John get his limiting judgments from his friends, or did he talk them into believing his own judgments? Either way, John was not making a commitment to his true desires. The decision to alter your life is serious. After years of working with people, I’ve discovered that many people like to talk about change but are unwilling to let go of behaviors that keep them stuck in negative patterns. Ask yourself if your search for peace, happiness, and wholeness is an ongoing drama, or if you’re ready to take control and be the one that shapes your experiences. No one out there can fix you. But you can fix yourself. You are the one with the power, the answers, and the ability to change your life. And you are the only one. We spend billions of dollars each year trying to change our bodies, our health, and our relationships, yet most of us are still dissatisfied with some area of our lives. We’re in a constant state of wanting something we can’t seem to reach. This state of wanting, of dreams that never get fulfilled, is the result of pretending we are on our way to somewhere when really we are stalled. How can you have a true desire or a true goal without a plan to achieve the goal? Without the commitment to do whatever it takes to fulfill your goal, it most likely will never come to fruition. Psychologists call this magical thinking. We fool ourselves into thinking we will someday achieve our dreams without ever taking any practical steps. Some people meditate on their desires. Others talk to their friends, visit gurus, or go to church. Some people spend their money on psychics and fortune tellers. And some live vicariously through television and movies while their dreams stay on hold. All these are simply ways to avoid facing the truth. Prayer without action is not prayer. It’s dreaming. How can God help us if we won’t help ourselves? I once heard a story of a man who had a deep faith in God. He was often heard telling his friends that his chaotic life would work itself out because God would take care of him. One day a

huge storm caused serious flooding in the town where this man lived. While other members of the community packed their belongings and fled, the man stayed put, believing that God would take care of him. The water began to seep under his doors and through the windows. A fire truck drove by and rescue workers yelled to the man, “Come on, you can’t stay here!” “No,” he said to them, “God will take care of me!” Soon the water was waist-high, the streets turned to rivers. A Coast Guard boat came past the man’s house. The crew yelled out to him, “Swim out and come on board!” “No,” the man yelled back. “God will take care of me.” The rain kept pouring down until the man’s entire house was flooded. Then a helicopter flew over his house and the pilot spotted the man praying on his roof. Lowering the ladder, the pilot got on the loud speaker, “You, down there, grab hold of the ladder and we’ll take you to safety!” Again, the man proclaimed his conviction: “God will take care of me.” Finally, the man drowned. At the pearly gates of heaven, the man had never felt more betrayed. “My God,” he said, “I put my faith in you and prayed to you for my rescue. You told me you would always take care of me, yet when I needed you most, you were not there.” “What do you mean?” replied God. “I sent you a fire truck, a boat, and a helicopter. What more do you want?” There is nothing wrong with faith. There is nothing wrong with affirmations. But at some point you must take the next step. Make a commitment to have what you want in life and then make a plan to get it. It’s there waiting for you but most likely it won’t fall into your lap. If you want to know whether you’re serious about changing something in your life, ask yourself if you have a plan of action. If the answer is no, go back and see if you’re really committed to achieving your goal. A plan of action ought to be written down on paper. If it’s only in your mind it may be more of a dream than a plan. Plans in our minds tend to get lost or forgotten, or pushed aside by everyday life. Tell yourself you’ll have more of a chance of achieving your goal if you have it written down and keep it at hand. Without a plan our desires tease us and leave us feeling empty. Gandhi once said, “I have not the shadow of a doubt that any man or woman can achieve what I have, if he or she would make the same effort and cultivate the same hope and faith. What is faith worth if it is not translated into action?” Most of the suffering I see in people is the result of their not fulfilling their dreams. They spend their days thinking about being in the wrong relationship or not having the right job, and when I ask how they plan to change these aspects of their lives they look at me like I’m kidding. They believe that when they finally “fix themselves” they will easily manifest all their desires. Question this belief. Making a plan of action is easy. The most difficult part of doing the entire process is taking the time to do it. I suggest you pick one goal that you have been trying to achieve—the goal that seems the least daunting. Then break it down into four parts. A daily plan, a weekly plan, a monthly plan, and a yearly plan. Ask yourself: What can I do on a daily basis to fulfill my goal? What can I do on a weekly basis to fulfill my goal and continue to monthly and yearly? Make a calendar with different projects that will bring you closer to achieving your desired result. When you finish your plan you have set out on the path to truly realizing your dreams. Recently I worked with a man named Nick who wanted me to figure out why he couldn’t reach the next level of success in his business. He kept telling me that he felt there was something holding him back from really making it to the top. After many hours of conversation I asked him how much money his company brought in on a yearly basis. He told me it was between six and seven million dollars. Shocked, I asked him why he wasn’t happy with this large amount of money. Nick’s answer was that if only he could generate another four million dollars a year in revenue, he wouldn’t have to work so hard. When I asked how much money he made from the six or seven million dollars, Nick said he barely met his payroll. I suggested that maybe this wasn’t about bringing in more money, but about cutting down his overhead so he could see 30 percent profit from this six or seven million dollars. Nick didn’t like what I had to say. He had already decided the only way to really make it big was to bring in more business. The cosmic joke was that Nick was a business consultant who advised businesses on how to make money. After much discussion Nick mentioned that his father had told him some twenty years earlier that Nick would never make any money and that he’d always spend more than he made. Nick clearly believed his father, and had made an unconscious commitment to honor his father’s words. Now Nick needed to make a new commitment to himself. To be successful he needed to make a 30 percent profit on the revenue he brought in no matter what. Once he made this commitment, Nick started seeing dozens of places where he could cut his overhead but to enact them Nick had to confront many issues in his business, which were difficult to deal with. He had always liked being the kind of boss who never checked anyone’s expenses and didn’t have to adjust anyone’s salary when things got tough. He loved playing the big shot and had tricked himself into believing that meant he was a successful businessman. So Nick called a meeting with all the top people in his firm and told them he needed their help making the business profitable. He asked them how they could cut the company’s expenses with an eye to making a 30 percent profit. For the first time, Nick allowed all the people in his business to really contribute their opinions. Nick literally had to reinvent himself as a businessman to achieve his goal. He had to take responsibility for the condition of the company and for his ineffective management techniques. It was not an easy process. After a great deal of suffering, Nick realized his commitment to having a huge successful business was coming from his head and not his heart. In the process of reorganizing his business, he started questioning whether he really wanted to live in Central America where he’d gone many years ago to start his company. He also began to question whether he really wanted to keep traveling around the world twenty days a month. Once Nick allowed himself to question his business life, he discovered he was more dissatisfied with his personal life than he had originally thought. But because Nick made a commitment to overcome the obstacles to his satisfaction and happiness, the universe brought many events into his life that broke down the walls. These events led Nick to discover that his first commitment was not his heart’s desire. Nick was open and ready to receive this information and has now found a new path for his life that fills his soul with peace. He has realized that he never wanted a huge business with lots of employees. He has realized that what he wanted was a wife and a family, and that in order to have that he needed to stay in one place. Nick has made a deeper commitment to his spiritual growth and to forming lasting friendships, which are now vital to his personal fulfillment. Like many of us, Nick had to go through a lot of pain to discover his heart’s desire. If you have a commitment to alter an area of your life and are not meeting your objective, look at what underlying commitments you are fulfilling instead. You must be willing to discover that some of your desires may be coming from your head and not your heart. Your head will trick you into believing that you want more, better, and different expressions of what you already have. We have to expose these ego-driven desires for what they are, and replace them with desires of the heart. Go beyond the clamor of your intellect. Like Nick, most of us think that fulfilling the mind’s desires will fill our emptiness. But only when we follow our deeper calling will we find lasting fulfillment. What will bring satisfaction and balance to your life? Who are you in this life and what are you meant to bring to this planet? Most of us have only glimpsed what our souls yearn to express in this life. But many of us have chosen to ignore our calling. Others of us are still waiting, hoping, praying for our chance to express our unique gifts—not realizing that the only moment that exists is now. Keeping your word is essential to your plan for change. What you say to yourself and others does count. If you tell yourself that you are going to eat healthier foods and don’t do it you are broadcasting to yourself and the universe that you can’t be trusted. If you say you’re going to get a new job next year and don’t do it, you’re sending a message that you can’t be counted on. Even if it’s a small task, like balancing your checkbook, if you don’t do it, you’re saying to yourself and to the universe that you don’t keep your word. These broken promises wear down our self-esteem. Years ago, I went to a program called the Forum, a three-day personal growth and development seminar. It was there that I learned the value of keeping my word, and as a result my whole life changed. It’s very simple. Do what you say. If you’re not going to do it, don’t say you are. Have your word be the most important asset you have. Treat it like gold. If you treat it like gold it will bring you gold, you will be able to create what you want in the world. Each time you do what you say you’re going to do, you’re training yourself and the universe that you can be counted on. Then when you start to work on larger goals, when you say I am going to make more money, fall in love, write a book, or open a clinic, you will be able to do it.

When we constantly lie to ourselves it’s difficult for us to believe in ourselves. The New Year’s resolutions you never follow through on are just wishes. Your word, if not taken seriously, is nothing but noise. Communication is a great gift but your words have a much greater gift to give you. They can assist you in designing your life. They can give you power and freedom. When you make a commitment to do something for yourself or someone else, and you know you can follow through, you have power. When you want to change something in your life or achieve a goal and you know you’re capable of doing it, you have freedom. In The Soul’s Code, James Hillman says, “You are born with a character, it is given, a gift as the old stories say, from the guardians upon your birth.” Discovering the gift you were born with, your life’s purpose, is a process. It takes time and a peeling away of the layers that conceal what is rightly yours, your unique imprint. Each one of us has a calling. You have something no one else on this planet has. Your calling might be to heal people, teach people, nurture people, or to discover a cure for cancer. It might be the way you interact with people, it might be an expression of creativity, or it could be raising children. No matter what your purpose, if you commit to finding and fulfilling it, it will fill up your heart and leave you feeling inspired. Dr. David Simon says: The concept of dharma, or purpose, holds that there are no spare parts in the universe. Each of us enters the world with a unique perspective and set of talents, which enables us to unfold an aspect of natural intelligence that has never been expressed before. When we are living in dharma, we are in service to ourselves and to those affected by our choices. We know we are in dharma when we cannot think of anything else we would rather be doing with our life. One of the greatest services we can perform for another person is supporting them in the discovery of their dharma. This is one of the most important roles that parents play in their children’s lives. Don’t panic if you do not know what your dharma or purpose is right now; just begin to do this work and trust the answers you hear from within. Your internal voices are there to guide you to fulfillment. People often ignore their intuition and their inner guides for so long they silence the part of them that can help them the most. When you know you should be doing one thing and you constantly do another, you’re killing your spirit and denying your essence. This makes it difficult to discover your vision. At some point, most of us have seen at least a glimmer of our calling, but for whatever reason we have chosen not to follow it. Now when we think we are ready to see it and live it, it eludes us. You must listen to the part of yourself that has been trying to guide you to your higher purpose. Ask this aspect to reawaken and guide you to do your best. Ask your inner guides to show you your life purpose, and they will. You must unveil your personal calling and remember there is a reason for you to be alive. When I first got off drugs, I worked in the retail clothing business. The more work I did on myself the more I sensed that I needed to find something new to do with my life. Completely bewildered about what that was, I got on my hands and knees every morning and said the prayer that I learned from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always! The ritual of a daily prayer gave me the belief that one day I’d discover my life’s purpose. So when I saw my vision, months later sitting in my car, I knew it was Spirit showing me my path. Many people deny their calling for fear that they will not reach it. They choose not to see their gift rather than face what looks like an unachievable future. Many people have resigned themselves to never finding their unique gift. But discovering our life’s purpose is truly something to strive for. It is our birthright. Our minds set our only limitations. I suggest you create a personal mission statement. Write down five to ten words that really inspire you. Then use the words to write a powerful statement that will guide you and keep you on the track of fulfilling your soul’s purpose. The first time I tried this was in “The Advanced Course” offered by Landmark Education. When it was my turn to share my vision for my life, I had no ideas. Then without thinking this came out of my mouth: “I am the possibility that all people can invent themselves from nothing.” At first I didn’t know what I meant. But after some thought, I saw that I truly believed we can each be anything our hearts desire. I also believe that no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been through, you’re capable of reinventing yourself over and over again. I believe you do not have to stay stuck in old patterns or old behaviors. You can change friends and professions as many times as necessary until you are in a place that expresses your unique imprint. This mission statement that I created reminds me daily of what I am here to do. It calls on me to become the best I can be and leaves me open to reinventing and expressing a new self as often as I wish. Find a statement that has personal meaning to you. No one else needs to understand or even know your statement. Use it to remind you where you are going and keep you in the present moment. Gandhi said, “The only devils in the world are those running around in our hearts. That is where the battle should be fought.” Shadow work is about opening your heart and making peace with your internal devils. It is about embracing your fears and weaknesses and finding compassion for your humanity. Give yourself the gift of your heart. As soon as you open your heart to yourself you will open your heart to all others. You are lovable. You are deserving. You are enough. Trust your inner wisdom and trust that at your core there is goodness. Go beyond your self-imposed limits and make a commitment to living a life you love. Ask the universe for love and support. Ask God to fill you with compassion and strength. Face where you are at this moment and then move to higher ground. Grant yourself permission to have it all, you deserve it!

EXERCISES 1. In this exercise I’d like you to create a mission statement for yourself in the form of a power statement. This power statement should be an affirmation of who you want to be in the future. You could focus on your health, relationships, career, spiritual growth, or all of the above. Close your eyes and step into your internal elevator. Take a few slow, deep breaths and allow yourself to relax completely. When you open your eyes you’ll be in your sacred garden. Walk slowly to your meditation seat. When you feel quiet inside, call forth an image of your sacred self. Allow this image to become strong, vivid, and bright. Ask your sacred self to come forward and bring you a message that will give you all the strength and courage you need to live the life of your dreams. If you have trouble and cannot hear your message, make one up that empowers you. Allow words to come to your awareness that make you feel strong. When you are finished thank your sacred self for assisting you and easily come back into external awareness. Take out your journal and write down everything you saw in your visualization. This statement will empower you to go to the next level of personal growth in all areas of your life. I suggest that your statement be as short and simple as possible. Hopefully, you will use it daily as a way to remind yourself of your highest vision for your life. Below are a few examples of power statements that people have created. a. I am a spiritual being worthy of honesty, love, and abundance. b. The universe is my friend and lover always meeting my needs. c. Wherever I look I see beauty, truth, and possibility. d. I am wise and all knowing and I allow the universe to fulfill my desires. e. There is no genuine desire I cannot manifest today. You want to create a statement that lights you up and excites you when you repeat it. This is a statement meant to empower you in your everyday life. It could be as simple as, “Who I am makes a difference.” It takes time to form new habits, so make a commitment to repeat this statement to yourself for the next twenty-eight days no matter what happens. Try repeating it as soon as you wake up in the morning, before you even get out of bed. If that’s not possible, do it right before bed at night. It’s great to start and end your day by remembering your highest commitment to yourself. I recommend you write out your power statement on Post-it notes and put them up all over your home, office, and car. The more you bring it into your awareness, the more meaningful this statement will become. Make it visible and accessible until it’s deeply ingrained in your consciousness. 2. Another powerful process to call forth your future is sometimes called treasure mapping, creating a collage to visualize your dreams. This is great to do with a group of friends. All you need is a piece of poster board, a few of your favorite magazines, a pair of scissors, and some glue.

Treasure Mapping Visualization Close your eyes, return to your elevator, and go down seven floors. When you step out of the elevator you’ll see your beautiful garden. Walk through your garden and notice the flowers and trees. Look at the lush green leaves and smell the essences of all the lovely flowers. It is a beautiful day and the birds are singing. Notice the color of the sky. What is the temperature of the air? Is it cool or warm? Do you feel a breeze across your face? Inhale the beauty and the scents of your sacred garden. Now go to your meditation chair. Sit comfortably; allow yourself to relax. Now picture your life a year from now. You have everything you ever desired. All your dreams have come true; you are peaceful and content. You trust yourself and the universe. Your search for meaning is complete and you feel confident about your future. What does your life look like? Spend some time imagining it. What are your relationships like? How is your health? What are you doing for fun? How is your family? How are your finances? What are you doing for spiritual growth? Now go five years into the future. What do your relationships look like now? How is your health? What are you doing for fun? How is your family? What do your finances look like? What are you doing for your spiritual growth? After you’ve done the visualization, go through your magazines and cut out pictures that excite you. Don’t think during this process; just go through the magazines as fast as you can and pull out pictures that have positive energy for you. Set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes. If you take more time than this, you’ll start to second-guess yourself. Simply be guided by your first impulses. When you have your supplies ready, go ahead and begin. When you’ve finished your collage, put it up in a place where you can easily see it. Use the images to remind yourself of your heart’s desires. 3. Now see how your present life compares to what you saw in the visualization. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything in your life that is inconsistent with the future you saw in the visualization and in your collage. Then write down everything you are doing to create the future you imagined. If you are not taking the necessary steps to create your future you can change that by acknowledging the truth and making a plan of action. The most important issue here is telling yourself the truth. The things in your life that are inconsistent with the future you desire should be noted, then you can begin to make a plan to eliminate them from your life.

AFTERWORD Once again, we consider whether this is all worthwhile, whether it’s worth your time and energy to restore yourself to wholeness, to shift your thoughts from hopelessness to enlightenment. When you discover that what lies beneath the surface of your consciousness are simply unprocessed thoughts and feelings, your pain can be healed. When you allow all the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to come to the surface, you can exhale with relief. You can breathe easy again. When you peel off the mask that hides your vulnerability and your humanity, you’ll come face to face with your true self. I’ve guided you through a long, deep process in order for you to discover that who you are at the deepest level is “enough.” We’ve explored the world of the holographic universe where we’re all created equal and where everything is perfectly balanced. We discovered the amazing world of projection where the universe so generously mirrors back all our disowned aspects. We learned to see that not only do we possess all the qualities we most abhor, but that these negative traits possess positive gifts. They are there to guide us to where our hearts long to go, to a place where compassion lives. By owning and embracing what we most fear and hate, we’re able to bring ourselves back into balance. As Deepak Chopra says, “Non-judgment creates silence of the mind.” A silent mind is clear to hear the words of our greatest good, words from Spirit. We all have the opportunity to clean out our castles. To open the doors to every room. We can step inside and clear out the dust that hides the brilliance and beauty of each room. We can see that each room calls for something different in order to shine bright. Some of our rooms need love and acceptance. Some need revamping. Others just want attention. No matter what thing each room needs, we know that we are able to give it. If we want to live to our full magnitude, we have to allow all parts of our magnificent selves to stand and be respected. We must step out of our bubble of false perceptions and stand in a wave of new clarity. As individuals, we have to expand our internal consciousness to include every part of our humanity. If you saw yourself as a small house, you have to create the internal space necessary to hold an entire castle. Do you really want inner peace? If you do, it’s yours. Surrender. Stop fighting. Stop defending. Stop pretending. Stop denying. Stop lying to yourself. Own up to your defenses, your walls, to the cage that surrounds you. Don’t strive for perfection, because it’s the desire for perfection that leads us to build these walls. Strive for wholeness, and for light and dark to live equally. Just as every thing has a light side and a dark side, so does every person, because to be human is to be it all. I heard a great story told by Guru Mayi, the leader of the Siddha Yoga Foundation. The ruler of a prosperous kingdom sends for one of his messengers. When he arrives the King tells him to go out and find the worst thing in the entire world, and bring it back within a few days. The messenger departs, and returns days later, empty-handed. Puzzled, the King asks, “What have you discovered? I don’t see anything.” The messenger says, “Right here, Your Majesty,” and sticks out his tongue. Bewildered, the King asks the young man to explain. The messenger says, “My tongue is the worst thing in the world. My tongue can do many horrible things. My tongue speaks evil and tells lies. I can overindulge with my tongue which leaves me feeling tired and sick, and I can say things that hurt other people. My tongue is the worst thing in the world.” Pleased, the King then commands the messenger to go out and find him the best thing in the entire world. The messenger leaves hurriedly, and once again he comes back days later with nothing in his hands. “Where is it?” the King shouts out. Again, the messenger sticks out his tongue. “Show me,” the King says. “How can it be?” The messenger replies, “My tongue is the best thing in the world, my tongue is a messenger of love. Only with my tongue can I express the overwhelming beauty of poetry. My tongue teaches me refinement in tastes and guides me to choose foods that will nourish my body. My tongue is the best thing in the world because it allows me to chant the name of God.” The King is well satisfied, and he appoints the messenger to become foremost among his personal advisors. We all have the tendency to see things as black and white. But there is good and bad, and dark and light in everything. To deny it anywhere is to deny it everywhere. There is nothing we can see that is not God, and when we can see that in ourselves then we are able to see it in everyone. Our deepest longing is for peace, love, and harmony. Our life is a brief, precious journey, and our mandate is the expression of our unique gifts. To express our individuality is to reclaim our divinity. It’s easy to lose sight of that which is most precious. Don’t withhold your love or your forgiveness. Don’t hide your compassion or your grace. Our most important relationship is with ourselves, our whole being, including our shadow. It’s important to remember that all good relationships are continuous. We need to continually grow and overcome obstacles that get in our way. Good relationships challenge us to become more than we may think we are. They compel us to stretch ourselves, to expand our hearts. We must become intimate with our shadow selves; they are a holy and sacred part of each of us. You need only commit to staying in the process of seeing yourself, of loving yourself, and the process of opening your heart. Appreciate your divinity and you will appreciate the gift of life. In this state you’ll begin to immerse yourself in the wonderful, mystical experience of being human.