Comunicate Your Feeling

This book spoke to many of the communication barriers my partner and I have experienced. -Amazon Customer Review I have never been good with understanding feelings, let alone communicating them, but this book provides a groundwork for both of those processes! -Amazon Customer Review There’s no way around it—if you’re in a relationship, both you and your partner are going to experience challenging feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and anxiety. The question is, when these feelings come up, will there be stressful fighting and isolation or deepening connection and growth? For most of us, the ways we learned to handle our feelings were dysfunctional, defensive, and, ultimately, deadly to intimacy. You may even discover that you and your partner have been voicing your feelings in toxic, critical ways—or not voicing them at all—without even realizing it. Instead of experiencing your relationship as a domestic battlefield or never-ending voyage of loneliness, what if it were an attachment of mutual emotional safety and connection? Fortunately, the ability to communicate lovingly and effectively isn’t inherent—it’s a skill that can be learned. Use these simple, immediately-applicable communication techniques as your building blocks to a happier, stronger relationship… I have always had observed the way people communicate with each other. I have had a curious interest in this topic specifically. I wondered how did the successful partners stay together, while in other cases they couldn’t work things out between them. I came to the conclusion by my own and personal direct observation of conversations between my own parents and relatives that the success and failure of relationships depends heavily on : Successful Communication. I know very well that my parents love each other, but there were times they weren’t able to get along and I heard most of their arguments and analysed it. It was exactly the type of toxic style described in the book. This book proved me right. This book has also provided me with the healthier way to communicate with other people in a productive and fruitful way in order to maintain the relationship and not ruin it to the point of absolute destruction. I am happy that I have read this and I am also glad that the author humbly and kindly shared his real life insights with the world. I would totally recommend this book to my reader friends. If you feel like you’re stuck in a phase in your relationship that requires acquiring affective communication skills then this is the book for you. I rated it a 5 stars without second thought.

This book offers practical and insightful advice on how to communicate more effectively in relationships. The emphasis on understanding how to avoid escalation and foster trust is particularly valuable for couples who struggle with misunderstandings and arguments. The techniques shared are actionable, focusing on clear communication and emotional clarity, which helps both partners feel heard and respected. What I appreciated most is how the book breaks down the process of handling sensitive emotions, turning potential arguments into constructive conversations. It moves away from common communication pitfalls, like bottling up feelings or explosive reactions, and encourages a calm, measured approach. Overall, it's a fantastic resource for anyone looking to improve their relationship and build a stronger, healthier connection with their partner. If you want fewer arguments and more progress, this book is definitely worth reading. Nic, thank you 🙏. IMO, this book deserves more recognition. This book was a game changer for my partner and I. If you’re stuck in old patterns of communication that often lead to fights or feeling misunderstood and are ready to learn a better way of relationship built on respect and trust, read this. Nic Saluppa did an amazing job of simplifying, adding humor and sharing personal stories. He is succinct and to the point. We really needed this and it was a quick read for both my partner and I. I’m planning to reread this book at least 4x a year, since much of this can be forgotten in your day to day. My partner even put together a google doc of points in his book that we needed reminders about and plan to keep it on our fridge. All in all, the book brought us closer together and have recommended it to coworkers and friends ❤️

HIGHLIGHTS: 1. WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO: - Make a Big Ask by using the phrase, “would you be willing?” - most people don’t realize they’re upset about the tone you used while being just fine with your actual request. - When you “should” on yourself, you’re criticizing yourself. When you should on your partner, it’s a criticism in disguise. - You’ll be surprised at your partner’s willingness to meet your requests when they are made gently and respectfully. - The challenge is to continue being happy after you’ve experienced unpleasant feelings associated with your partner. - Acknowledging that your and your partner’s preferences are simply that—“preferences”—sets the tone for a team approach and a useful discussion. 2. EFFECTIVE CONVERSATION: - Your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation. - What you need to know is it’s okay to feel angry and frustrated. You’re allowed to feel that way. What’s not okay is to express those feelings in the form of name-calling and insults. - “You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.” 3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR “YOUR” FEELINGS: - When your feelings of anger are overwhelming, own them. After all, they’re YOUR feelings. Take responsibility for your feelings. - If you need a break, take it. Since you’re the one taking a break from the conversation, it’s your responsibility to seek your partner out to finish the discussion later. - Communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. (*) - If your partner tries squelching or minimizing your feelings, say, “These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.” 4. IT’S CHALLENGING: - Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you. - You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it. - Failing to give this difference the consideration it deserves leads to communication chaos in relationships. - You cannot “feel betrayed”, but you can “feel sad and angry” about being betrayed (or perceiving that you were betrayed). - “I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.” 5. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: UNRESOLVED FEELINGS THAT GET TRIGGERED - By insisting on saying “made” or “makes me feel”, I was eliminating any possibility of emotional stability from my life. - Understanding that I was basing my emotional well-being upon other people treating me just how I wanted—after all, they made me feel things—brought me to a fork in the road. - When you tell your partner they “made you” feel something, what you really mean is, “What you just did or said reminded me of an unresolved emotional wound, and it’s extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable for me.” - Emotional stability is only possible when you take responsibility for your feelings. 6. APOLOGIES: - If someone says, “I’m sorry I made you feel upset,” don’t accept that apology. (*) - Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel. - Even if they did intend to get you angry, saying they “made you” angry confirms to them they can pull your emotional strings whenever they want. - Saying someone “makes you” feel something is also a verbal attack on that person. It’s okay to hold them responsible for their words or actions, but not for YOUR feelings.(*) 7. ACCOUNTABILITY: - How you handle your mistakes is crucial. Handle them well, and trust and intimacy can be better than ever. But if you gloss over your mistakes and expect your partner to just get over them, trust slowly erodes and intimacy fades into oblivion. - Don’t expect your partner to move on until you’ve openly taken responsibility and acknowledged—to your partner—that you understand the wrongness and harmfulness of your actions. (*) - If they can’t see and acknowledge their actions, I’m not going to trust that person or engage in a relationship with them beyond the superficial, if at all. (*) - Evidence of trustworthiness can be as simple as acknowledging wrongdoing. - You can’t expect closeness and connection to automatically happen if you’re ignoring difficult discussions. (*) - Closeness and connection are on the other side of the hard discussions. Go through the hard discussions, then experience intimacy. - “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Stating you were wrong is vital when it comes to re-establishing trust. (*) - An apology alone won’t fix a relationship. However, without an apology, there’s no hope for ever fixing a relationship. (**) - The argument isn’t over until apologies have been made and fault has been admitted where appropriate. (*) - Do not apologize to “keep the peace,” as this trains the other person to continue acting destructively and then relying on you to take the blame for their behavior. - Do apologize when you’ve said or done something hurtful. - Save your apologies for when you’ve done something wrong or hurtful and stop apologizing for simply existing. - The way to apologize is by saying “I’m sorry.” 8. MY ROLE IN PARTNER’S EMOTIONS: - DO: all you have to do is put your hand on your partner’s back and sit there. - Grieving, i.e., crying, is our natural, built-in mechanism for moving beyond the losses we experience. - Grieving successfully requires feeling the sadness of the actual loss, not feeling sad for yourself due to self-pity. - SAY: Put your hand on their back and say, “It’s great you’re letting this out.” - Underlying messages are what’s implied in a message, not what’s directly stated. - SAY: “You can be upset and angry with me for as long as you want,” works because it acknowledges and validates their right to feel as they do. Once they know you aren’t trying to take away their right to feel as they do, they’ll be more willing to process their feelings and work with you toward a resolution. - When your partner isn’t defending their right to be mad and upset, they can get curious about the situation, ask some important questions, and work through the issue. (*) 9. BOUNDARIES: REMOVE YOURSELF: - “request” is not a boundary. - A boundary is always something you control. - Boundaries are not threats, demands, or requests. - Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to accept. - Implement your action—an action YOU control. - Choose your boundaries slowly with much wisdom, counsel, and consideration. But act swiftly in implementing them once your boundary line is dishonored. (*) - The feeling of guilt is why people don’t follow through on boundaries. - We train people how to treat us. (*) - Boundaries allow you to calmly and confidently remove yourself without yelling, name-calling, kicking, screaming, or spewing insults. - A person’s feelings are not your responsibility. - The way THEY feel about YOU removing yourself is not your responsibility. - Hold them responsible for their words and actions, not for how you feel about their words and actions. (*) - What nobody told them when first starting out was that all relationships evolve. Either you flow with the evolution and work through the transformational growth process, or you fight the evolution and grow apart.(*) - You’re open to the growth areas your partner brings up, and you expect your partner to be open to discussing the growth areas you bring up. - Take time to examine your role in creating unpleasant, painful situations. - Many of us were raised to never deal with emotions, so addressing them in an adult relationship is uncomfortable. - Holding yourself and your partner mutually accountable ensures both people are responsible for their words and actions. - ANALOGY: When sailing a boat, you’re headed in a generally correct direction, but you have to continuously adjust the course. The wind and water will constantly take the boat slightly off course, and the sailor makes adjustments again and again throughout the voyage. 10. SATISFACTION: - The difference between healthy and unhealthy communication is that while unhealthy communication seeks to avoid or deflect issues, healthy communication seeks to squarely face, address, and work through them. - Adult relationships require directly discussing and working through issues. You’ll be much happier when you forget how things “should” be and begin addressing things as they are. - Relationship satisfaction comes from being with someone who is willing to talk and work through challenging issues as they arise. - satisfaction is discovered within the very process of communicating.

If you’ve ever tried to open up about your feelings and ended up in an argument, this book is the guide you need. This book breaks down how to express emotions without the conversation blowing up. Saluppo’s writing feels like a casual chat, full of relatable examples and straightforward advice. The first key takeaway is learning to avoid words that trigger defensiveness. Saluppa shows how small changes in wording can make a huge difference in how your partner reacts. It’s not just about what you say but how you say it, and the book is packed with examples of simple tweaks that help avoid unnecessary conflict. Another game-changer is the way author helps you clarify your thoughts and feelings. Most of us jumble the two together, leading to confusion when we try to express ourselves. He teaches you how to separate them, making your communication clearer and more effective. He also tackles how to own up when you’ve made a mistake. Instead of brushing it off, he encourages facing it head-on, which helps rebuild trust and clears up any lingering grudges. This section is especially useful for anyone who struggles with conflict resolution. Lastly, the book teaches you how to respond to your partner’s emotions without feeling like you need to "fix" everything. By simply acknowledging their feelings and being present, you’ll create a deeper bond without the pressure to solve all their problems. Overall, it’s an easy read with tons of practical advice to make communication in relationships smoother and more fulfilling.

I have always had observed the way people communicate with each other. I have had a curious interest in this topic specifically. I wondered how did the successful partners stay together, while in other cases they couldn’t work things out between them. I came to the conclusion by my own and personal direct observation of conversations between my own parents and relatives that the success and failure of relationships depends heavily on : Successful Communication. I know very well that my parents love each other, but there were times they weren’t able to get along and I heard most of their arguments and analysed it. It was exactly the type of toxic style described in the book. This book proved me right. This book has also provided me with the healthier way to communicate with other people in a productive and fruitful way in order to maintain the relationship and not ruin it to the point of absolute destruction. I am happy that I have read this and I am also glad that the author humbly and kindly shared his real life insights with the world. I would totally recommend this book to my reader friends. If you feel like you’re stuck in a phase in your relationship that requires acquiring affective communication skills then this is the book for you. I rated it a 5 stars without second thought.

It has lots of ideas ,situations, different topics on real life ppl. It tells you how to say things to ppl in words that is not going to cause a agreement in words that not going to hurt ur partners feelings or anyone else. It's what choosing the right words to get ur points across. Talking thing out on how u feel not letting it get sweeped under the rug. Getting things out in the opening were u both could be happier. And working on communication and not seeing the issue but ending. I saw alot of this in me that I need to do for myself in my marriage and things I saw what my husband needs to work on too. We're both not perfect but we can do this for our personal self and make our lives happier. Iv sent a friend of mine some of things through this book and she said communication is a big one between us. I would highly recommend to everyone to read this. I'm diffently looking for more good books from this author that I can read for myself and share to others. Thank you for writing and publishing this book.

This book offers practical and insightful advice on how to communicate more effectively in relationships. The emphasis on understanding how to avoid escalation and foster trust is particularly valuable for couples who struggle with misunderstandings and arguments. The techniques shared are actionable, focusing on clear communication and emotional clarity, which helps both partners feel heard and respected. What I appreciated most is how the book breaks down the process of handling sensitive emotions, turning potential arguments into constructive conversations. It moves away from common communication pitfalls, like bottling up feelings or explosive reactions, and encourages a calm, measured approach. Overall, it's a fantastic resource for anyone looking to improve their relationship and build a stronger, healthier connection with their partner. If you want fewer arguments and more progress, this book is definitely worth reading.