21 Days of Effective Communication:

(1) 21 Days of Effective Communication Introduction: Have you ever searched for something interesting to say, wondered how to make new friends, or suffered from social anxiety? You aren’t alone. There are millions of other people in your shoes.1 Heck, I used to have similar problems. These days I can talk to almost anyone and handle everyday social situations with ease. However, it’s been a long journey fraught with challenges before I reached my destination. There’s no doubt about it – communication skills are vital to success. Whether you want to improve your romantic relationships, build closer bonds with your family, make your friendships stronger, or boost your career, you absolutely must polish your communication skills. (P1)

(2) Communication should be natural – so why do we find it challenging? All the progress the human race has enjoyed comes down to communication. Think about it. How would we have invented our first tools, raised families, built societies, and formed governments if we hadn’t been able to communicate effectively? We need these vital skills to form relationships, exchange ideas, and enjoy spending time with family and friends. Unfortunately, our life experiences often get in the way, and we start to lose touch with our natural abilities. For example, if you are bullied at school, you might come to believe that you are an intrinsically unpopular person who will never make friends. In this kind of situation, it makes sense that your social relationships will suffer. Personally, I was raised in a family of high achievers. As a result, I often felt as though any ideas I proposed were bound to be criticized. My mother says that I was a confident preschooler, but by the age of seven, I’d started to become shy. (2)

During my early twenties, I really began to appreciate just how vital communication skills really are to anyone who wants a happy, well-balanced life. As a young adult I had several good friends and dated a few women, but I didn’t really feel close to anyone. Sure, I could talk to my buddies and keep my girlfriends entertained, but something was missing. I’d watch other people at parties, in class, and at bars, talking and laughing together without a care in the world. They seemed to find small talk so easy. I felt like I must be doing something wrong since communication didn’t come naturally to me. When I landed my first job out of college, the same old issues bubbled up. It wasn’t that people didn’t like me, but I always felt a bit distant. I was highly introverted, constantly second-guessing myself in conversation, and unsure of how to approach people I wanted to know better. For a while, I felt a bit sorry for myself. I assumed that some people are born to be great communicators, and that it’s pointless to try and practice social skills if you aren’t gifted with a natural talent for conversation. Looking back now, I had so much to learn. As I discovered, you can definitely improve your skills in this area, regardless of your age or background. My quest for personal development soon lead me down a rewarding path where I learned a huge amount about human psychology and communication. I became hooked on self-help books, academic texts, research studies, and seminars. There isn’t enough space in this introduction to list my favorite authors and communication experts. I’m proud to say that I’m now an author myself, having written several books on communication skills, social intelligence, and other aspects of self-improvement. So far, I’ve helped hundreds of people improve their relationships and kick-start their careers – and I’ve got the reviews to prove it! If this book resonates with you, be sure to check out:

(4) All the self-development in the world remains useless until you are willing to put into practice everything you’ve learned. It takes a lot of time to research the right information, process it, and experiment with new techniques. At the start of my own journey, I desperately hunted for a book packed with brief but effective communication exercises based on sound psychological research. Alas, I couldn’t find one. Over a decade later, I have written the kind of book I wanted as a young man – you are holding it in your hands. My aim is to help people develop their skills quickly without having to spend countless hours poring over hundreds of resources. (4)

3. Do not play the role of armchair psychologist: To some extent, everyone is a psychologist. We all like to come up with our own theories about why so-and-so is so angry all the time, why our cousin always falls for men who treat her badly, etc.5 Analyze away – on your own time. When someone shares important information with you, do not speculate about their personal motivations, or why they behave in a particular manner. At best, you’ll come across as a bit too nosy. At worst, your conversation partner will feel patronized and angry. At you. 4. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice: Even if you’ve been in the same situation or faced the same problems as someone else, do not offer your ideas or solutions unless asked for them. There are few things more annoying than unwanted advice or suggestions. Resist the urge to tell them that you know exactly what they are going through. To put it bluntly, you don’t. Two people can have a similar experience, yet their personality types, upbringing, and previous life events mean that they will not experience the same emotions. If your conversation partner asks for your input, then go ahead – but gauge their response. If they appear open to your feedback, continue. However, if they start frowning, crossing their arms, or give any indication that your advice isn’t helpful or welcome, stop and ask whether they want you to continue. Remember, no one is obliged to follow your recommendations. Put your ego to one side. Once you have contributed, it’s up to the other person to strategize their next move. Furthermore, they may not be divulging the whole story, and they will need to take other facts and considerations into account when drawing up a plan of action.

Day 1: Listen Before you even think about your responses to other people, you need to sharpen your listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation with someone whose body is there, but their mind is not? Frustrating, isn’t it? Poor communicators think that “listening” is merely the act of waiting for their turn to speak all while mentally composing their response. This is a grave mistake. Listening is so much more – it’s a way of providing someone else the chance to share their thoughts and ideas, to build emotional intimacy, and to show empathy. Today, you’re going to learn the basics of great listening, and then undertake an exercise that will allow you to put these tips into practice. Listening isn’t simply about giving another person the chance to vocalize what’s on their mind, although this is valuable in its own right. Listening is also the first step towards personal change. Psychotherapist Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, noted that when someone gives us the chance to talk about what has happened to us and how we feel about it, we start to realize the best way to change our thoughts and behaviors. Although taking advice from someone else can be useful, we are most likely to change for the better if we work through our problems out ourselves. Being able to talk freely to an understanding listener is one of the most effective ways of achieving this. If your conversation partner rambles, or their thoughts don’t seem to make sense, hold your tongue and give them the space they need. They might want to talk to several other people first before implementing a plan, or they may need to process the issue in their own time. Try not to get frustrated! Extend to others the patience you would like to receive in return.

1. Use non-intrusive verbal and non-verbal signals to encourage them to keep talking: Nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” and “I see” are short, unobtrusive signals that encourage further disclosure. Silence is also okay – sometimes, someone needs a few moments to get their thoughts organized before continuing the conversation. Give them space. 2. Let them keep going until they run out of steam: When I learned to listen properly, I was amazed to discover that a lot of people desperately want someone to slow down and hear what they have to say. This is especially true if they feel angry, upset, or need to work through a problem. One of the most useful, fundamental – and difficult – listening skills of all is to keep quiet and let the other person hold the floor. If you are dealing with an angry or frustrated individual, they won’t be able to think clearly until they have offloaded everything that’s on their mind.

5. Re-phrase someone else’s words, but don’t parrot them back: You may have heard that repeating someone’s words back to them shows that you have been listening. This is true – to a point. A fine line exists between reflecting understanding and quoting someone verbatim. I’ll use an example to illustrate the concept. Suppose that your friend said the following: “I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. It seems like my family doesn’t care what I’m doing or whether I’m even happy.” Here are two potential replies. Which do you think would help your friend feel truly heard, and which would make them feel really annoyed? “So, you feel like they aren’t giving you much attention right now?” Or “You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and like your family doesn’t care what you’re doing?” The second response shows that you heard the actual words, but it also sounds downright weird! Your friend might wonder if she’s been talking to a parrot instead of a normal human being. I prefer the first response since it reflects an absorption of the meaning behind the words in addition to the words themselves.

6. Check your assumptions: We all tend to view the world through the lens of our own preferences and experiences. For example, if you are close to your parents and enjoy talking to your mother on the phone every week, you are likely to be upset on someone else’s behalf if they tell you that their own mother is very ill. But if your conversation partner happens to have a distant relationship with their parents, they probably won’t expect an overly sympathetic reaction. In fact, your sympathy might make them feel uncomfortable. What’s the lesson here? Do not project your own feelings onto someone else. Let them tell you what a situation means for them personally. Under no circumstances should you tell them how to feel. Accept everyone’s differences, and that no one will react in exactly the same way under the same circumstances.

Put It Into Practice. Your challenge for today is to phone a friend or relative you haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, and then use the conversation as an opportunity to practice your active listening skills. You don’t need to be on the phone for hours, just try a 20-minute catchup. Ask them what they’ve been doing lately and strive to listen attentively. You might be shocked to discover how often you slip into bad listening habits. Afterwards, reread this chapter and make an honest assessment of how you did. This exercise also comes with a nice bonus. By phoning your friend or relative, you can build and improve your relationship. Recall the last time someone called you up unexpectedly and truly wanted to know how you were doing. It felt good, didn’t it? You felt valued. The person you call is going to feel the same way. Maybe you could even make it a habit to phone them on a regular basis.

Here’s how to kick the interruption habit: 1. Set targets and give yourself rewards: Set a realistic goal and choose a small reward as a suitable incentive. For example, you could promise yourself that if you make it through the day interrupting people fewer than ten times, you will pick up your favorite magazine or candy bar on the way home. 2. Stick up signs: The simplest solutions can be the best! I keep a small sticky note on my computer monitor to remind me not to interrupt others. It features a sketch of a closed mouth just beneath an ear. I glance at it when I’m on the phone or webcam. It reminds me that if I strive to grow my relationships – and my business – I need to let other people speak. 3. Write down any points you want to make in advance: While you can’t take notes during an unplanned conversation, you can take a list with you to a scheduled meeting. When you know that your key points are strategically bulleted on a piece of paper, it’s easier to refrain from interrupting. In formal meetings, you can also make notes of your thoughts when someone else is speaking. Once they have finished, you can then refer to your notes and ask for clarification.

Day 2: Count The Number Of Times You Interrupt Other People If you had to identify the most annoying communication habit ever, what would it be? Admittedly there are a lot of contenders, but most of us agree that being interrupted is among the most irritating. Today, you’re going to examine how often you interrupt other people, and then work on giving your conversation partners the time and space they deserve. Interrupting people is easy to do. For example, if you participate in a heated discussion, you might want to jump right in to exert your voice. If you’re passionate about an idea, your enthusiasm might bubble to the surface. But that’s where the challenge lies. Even if your ideas are excellent, your conversation partner will be too annoyed to give them the attention they deserve if you interrupt. By your interruption, you’re insinuating that your thoughts and ideas are more important than theirs. As you know from personal experience, interruptions derail your train of thought. Interruptions also make someone feel disrespected.6 If someone values you and your ideas, they will at least have the courtesy to let you finish speaking, right? You need to apply the same principle when actively listening to others. Interrupting can completely kill your chances of developing a good relationship with someone else, and that’s not an exaggeration. If they feel as though you are more interested in steamrolling over them with your personal point of view instead of getting to know them, they will start to withdraw from you.

(14) 4. Remember that your silence is just as influential as your voice: No one likes a showoff or a person who appears to love the sound of their own voice. On the other hand, everyone respects someone who lets other people speak and exercises caution when offering their own opinion. If the thought of keeping quiet terrifies you, consider that your interruption habit might spring from a sense of insecurity. Some chronic interrupters feel the pressure to prove that they have thoughts of their own or even that they have earned a place in the room. Does this sound familiar? If so, your interruption habit might be more than just an annoying quirk. It might be time to examine any underlying feelings of inferiority and address them, either by yourself or with the assistance of a qualified therapist. 5. Practice biting your tongue: The phrase “bite your tongue” can be taken literally here. When you feel the urge to interrupt, sandwich your tongue between your teeth. The sensation will act as a constant reminder not to butt in. Cultural differences The advice I’ve given in this chapter assumes that you, and those around you, have been raised in a culture that interprets interruptions as a sign of rudeness. Most Westerners would agree that it’s good manners to let someone else finish speaking before responding. However, it’s useful to remember that there are cultural differences in how people perceive interruptions. For instance, some cultures regard interruptions and crosstalk as normal. To give two specific examples, those of Italian descent tend to see interruptions as an acceptable way of showing interest in a topic. Meanwhile, people raised within Japanese culture often believe that it is acceptable to interrupt someone to ask for clarification.8 When you meet someone, who seems especially quick to interrupt, consider the possibility that there is a culture gap. It isn’t appropriate to ask someone to describe their family’s heritage, but just knowing that these differences exist can help you remain calm and patient. You can bridge the gap by making an explicit request such as, “I’ve got something really important to say and don’t want to forget anything, so if you have any questions, could you please save them for the end?” (14)

(15) Put It Into Practice Today’s exercise is really, really simple – or at least, it’s simple in theory. Count how many times you interrupt other people in all your conversations, and then use the tips above to stop yourself. Ideally, you should try to talk with at least three people. If you can do this while in a group, even better. Today’s exercise is really, really simple – or at least, it’s simple in theory. Count how many times you interrupt other people in all your conversations, and then use the tips above to stop yourself. Ideally, you should try to talk with at least three people. If you can do this while in a group, even better. Unless I make an effort to keep myself in check, I still catch myself interrupting others a bit too often. It’s a tough habit to break, but your friends and family will thank you for it. Who knows, you might learn something new if you master the art of keeping your mouth shut.

(16) Day 3: Become An Inclusive Communicator When it comes to politics and social issues, we all have our own opinions. Yet one thing most of us can agree on is that everyone, regardless of their background or individual characteristics, deserves to be treated with respect. Today, you will learn about the importance of inclusive communication. What is “inclusive communication” anyway? In a nutshell, a good inclusive communicator takes care not to alienate or offend an entire group of people based on their personal attributes. They do not make assumptions based on an individual’s characteristics. Inclusive communication acknowledges and values diversity. Mastering this skill is increasingly important in the 21st century. Thanks to globalization, people from all backgrounds now work and socialize together. Inclusive communication builds harmonious relationships between individuals, and it even boosts business performance. Research reflects a positive correlation between gender diversity, ethnic diversity, and profit in organizations. Tips for inclusive communication 1. Don’t emphasize a characteristic if it isn’t necessary to do so: For example, let’s suppose that you are telling your team that an employee from another department is scheduled to work with them on a new project. This employee, a man called Sam, happens to be gay. It would not be appropriate to say, “Sam, the gay guy from Department X, will be joining us on Monday.” Sam’s sexual orientation is not relevant to his work, so drawing attention to this characteristic is not necessary.

(17) 2. Don’t assume a person’s gender or sexual orientation: Choose genderneutral terms if possible. For example, if your manager is leaving the company and you do not yet know the gender of their replacement, it is more appropriate to use “they” in reference to the possible candidates instead of “he” or “she” until a permanent replacement is selected. Do not assume that a person is heterosexual. It is better to use terms like “partner” or “significant other” instead of “boyfriend,” “wife,” and so on. 3. If you need to talk about someone’s disability, do so in neutral terms: It’s true that many people with disabilities do suffer as a result, but it is presumptuous to make statements such as “Peter suffers from epilepsy” or “Mary is afflicted with schizophrenia.” 4. Focus on a person, not any disabilities they might have: Do not define someone by their condition or illness. For example, it is better to say, “Pat has depression” rather than “Pat is a depressive” or “Pat is depressed.” 5. Do not uphold stereotypes: Making assumptions based on someone’s nationality, ethnicity, or other characteristics is offensive because it shows a lack of respect for someone’s individual talents and personality. This philosophy stays true even of positive stereotypes. For example, if you meet a Chinese accountant, it would be inappropriate to suggest that Chinese people naturally make good accountants because “Asians are so good at math.” 6. Show respect for race and ethnicity through proper capitalization in written communication: For instance, “Native American”, “Black”, and “Torres Strait Islanders”, should always be capitalized. If in doubt, look up the term in a dictionary or use a reputable online resource.

(20) Day 4: How To Expand Your Vocabulary You will be judged more favorably in social situations if you can demonstrate a broad vocabulary. Most people assume higher levels of education and intelligence when a person knows the meaning of many words and can use them correctly within the scope of normal conversation. Those who understand and appreciate complex words and phrases are at a real advantage, both personally and professionally. Today, you will learn why a big vocabulary is a valuable asset, and how to add more words to your personal dictionary. Why your vocabulary really does make a difference There is a link between vocabulary and occupational success. A study by linguistics and education researcher Johnson O’Conner found that people who achieve high scores on vocabulary tests are significantly more likely to obtain high-level positions in the workplace. This finding still applies when gender, age, and level of schooling are controlled.12 Even more interesting, vocabulary test performance predicts success – it’s not just a byproduct of working in senior positions or encountering with educated people. So, what’s going on here? In a nutshell, a strong vocabulary is the best foundation for communication, and communication is the starting point for success. When you have more words at your disposal, you are in a better position to deliver exactly the right message. The richer your vocabulary, the more accomplished you will become in communicating nuanced ideas, and in understanding new lines of thought and reason. Someone with a wide vocabulary can tailor their oral and written communication to a range of audiences, meaning that they can grow productive relationships with others that allow them to flourish. A wide vocabulary also allows you to absorb information from complex sources, which provides you with the tools you need to improve your personal and professional skills. For example, if you are comfortable reading and interpreting high-level textbooks, you are more likely to benefit from advanced education and training than people who only recognize common everyday words. When you are familiar with complex words, your reading speed will also improve, because you won’t have to pause to define a word. Obvious, right?

(18) 7. Be mindful of context: Bear in mind that in some instances, it is acceptable for members of a group to use words that would be offensive if used by outsiders. For example, some members of the LGBT+ community refer to themselves as “queer.” However, this word is usually considered offensive if used by a heterosexual person, and not all LGBT+ people accept it in the first place. If in doubt, any “loaded” terms that have historically been used to insult or belittle others are best avoided.10 8. Avoid patronizing individuals or groups of people: If you have a disability, you might have heard someone describe you as “brave” or “inspiring” for carrying out normal day-to-day tasks such as cleaning your home, going to work, or exercising at the gym. I have a cousin who walks with a cane following a car accident several years ago. Several well-meaning people have praised him for being “an inspiration”. Their intentions are good, but my cousin just feels patronized. Do not assume that just because someone has a disability that they want to be recognized for merely existing! Is inclusive communication really necessary? I respect the fact that some people think inclusive communication is “too politically correct.” However, wherever your personal views land, you can quickly find yourself in trouble if you do not use inclusive communication. For instance, using sexist language in the workplace could land you in hot water with HR, or earn you a reputation as someone who doesn’t keep up with modern etiquette. Why making offensive jokes is harmful, even if you really are “only joking” Over the years, I’ve met a few people who claim that it’s acceptable to make offensive jokes, or stereotype groups of people, as long as you don’t really hold offensive views. But here’s something to think about – people who do support negative stereotypes and hold racist, sexist or other offensive views will feel justified whenever they hear such “jokes.” This means that racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry go unchallenged.11 Do not make jokes that rely on disparagement humor, and let others know that you don’t find them funny.

(19) Put It Into Practice Exercise I Do you express assumptions or stereotypes (whether positive or negative) when talking about particular groups? The next time you take part in a conversation that includes a discussion about other people, consider whether your choice of words is respectful. Could you be a more inclusive communicator? If applicable, make a note of where and how you could improve next time around. Exercise II Switch on the TV (or go on YouTube) and find a show that features a lot of dialogue. Watch it for 15-20 minutes. Are the people taking part in the conversation upholding any negative views or beliefs about particular groups? Do you hear similar language in your everyday interactions? If so, how could you challenge it?

(21) Here are a few strategies that will help you out: 1. Use a new word every day: Get into the habit of looking up a new word each morning, and then using it at some point during the day. If it’s a particularly obscure word and you can’t fit it into a conversation naturally, at least tell someone that you learned a cool new word, and then tell them what it means. 2. Use apps and online games to expand your vocabulary: There are hundreds of free apps and games designed to help users learn new words. One of my favorites is Free Rice (freerice.com). It’s a simple multiple-choice game that tests your vocabulary. The more questions you get right, the more difficult the questions become! If you give an incorrect answer, the site will show you where you went wrong. As an added bonus, for every correct answer you give, the site’s founders donate a small amount of rice to people in need. PowerVocab (vocabulary.com), 7 Little Words (7littlewords.com), and Words With Friends 2 (zynga.com) are all popular apps that make learning new words simple. 3. Become a word enthusiast: Learning words in isolation will help grow your vocabulary but gaining a deeper appreciation of a word’s structure and roots will put you in a good position to understand new words you encounter in the future. When you first learn a word, break it down to its constituent parts. For example, the word “orthostatic” means “relating to or caused by an upright posture”. If you break the word apart, you’ll see that it’s a fusion of “ortho” which means “straight”, and “static” which means “concerned with bodies at rest”. Learning the definitions of prefixes and suffixes will help you decipher new words. 4. Read widely: This is the classic piece of advice for anyone who wants to sound intelligent and educated. Don’t stick to the same books and magazines that you normally read. Challenge yourself by exploring new topics, and by reading denser and more challenging text. Set aside at least 15 minutes of reading time each day. In my opinion, there’s no excuse not to read – not only does it improve your vocabulary, but it will also help you become a well-rounded individual capable of conversing with virtually anyone. 5. If you aren’t sure what a word means, ask. It’s normal to feel embarrassed when someone uses a word that you don’t recognize, but it’s a golden opportunity to learn something new. If someone tries to make you feel inferior on the basis that you don’t happen to know what a word means, then that’s their problem. If you really can’t ask at the time, at least make a note of the word and look it up later in your dictionary. Put It Into Practice Exercise I Today I want you to learn five new words, and then incorporate them into your spoken or written communication. Exercise II Take a look at the apps and websites mentioned in this chapter and commit to using one of them for at least five minutes each day for a week.

(22) Day 5: Swap “But” For “And,” & Embrace “Yet” Sometimes, it’s the little things that make a huge difference. Today, I’m going to draw your attention to “but”, “and”, and “yet.” The words we choose shape not only how other people see us but how we see ourselves. When you master the art of positive communication, the world will start to appear more welcoming. You will begin seeing opportunities rather than problems, and other people will be drawn to your proactive, upbeat personality. You don’t have to believe that these tips will work – just put them into practice and see the difference for yourself. “But”, “and”, and positive communication How often do you hear people say “but” statements? Here are a few examples: “I’d love to go on vacation, but I’m scared of flying.” “I’d like to go back to school, but I don’t have any free time.” “I want to run a marathon, but I’m so out of shape.” In each of these statements, the speaker ascribes a particular explanation to a problem or situation. They assert that because they are scared of flying, they can’t go on vacation, or that they have no free time so they can’t go to school, or that they are out of shape and therefore cannot run a marathon. What most people don’t realize is that a typical “but” statement is unnecessarily limiting and negative. This becomes more apparent if you take out “but” and then insert “and” instead. Take the first example in the list above – “I’d love to go on vacation, but I’m scared to fly.” Swap “but” for “and” and you notice the difference immediately: “I’d love to go on vacation, and I’m scared to fly.” The revised version suggests that the speaker just so happens to be afraid of flying, plus they want to go on vacation. It’s a subtle difference but it matters! It implicates that the person has a desire plus a problem to be solved, rather than a desire that will be thwarted by their problem. When I start working with a client, I often notice that they parrot the same old “but” statements repeatedly. They become our own personal stories – excuses that we don’t question. We assume that they are true and take them to heart as the gospel truth. These intrinsic beliefs become somewhat akin to a script. The more you repeat them, the further entrenched you are in the role of someone who would love to change their life yet cannot do so because they are held back by a single factor beyond their control. When I teach my clients to drop the “buts” and swap them for “and” instead, I usually see a rapid transformation. Within a few minutes, this mindset shift starts to show in their expression. Hope replaces desperation as they realize that the way you frame a situation makes all the difference when coming up with solutions to a challenge.

(23) Another problem with using “but” “But” can also make people defensive. As soon as we hear that little word, most of us assume that criticism or bad news is on the horizon. For instance, if you were to tell someone that you understand their point but want to use another approach, they are likely to feel threatened and criticized. However, telling them that you understand their view and want to use another strategy will usually elicit a more positive response. It implies that you value their input, even though you won’t put it into action. This technique generates a sense of closeness and mutual allegiance. The power of “yet” Simply putting “yet” on the end of a negative statement can transform its meaning. Let’s look at a few examples: “I don’t know enough about this topic to pass the exam.” “I don’t know enough about this topic to pass the exam yet.” “I can’t get a girlfriend.” “I can’t get a girlfriend yet.” “I just don’t earn enough money to buy a house.” “I just don’t earn enough money to buy a house yet.” Using “yet” signals to yourself and others that you haven’t given up. You are acknowledging that things might change. You may not understand exactly how you will make these changes come to pass, but you are at least open to the possibility. It immediately transforms you into a more positive, optimistic person – at least in the eyes of others. This technique doesn’t just work in conversation. It is also effective when it comes to your own self-talk. It promotes a sense of positivity and potential, while still encouraging you to remain realistic. It acknowledges your current situation and problems but makes it clear that you are on the right track. Put It Into Practice There are two exercises for you to try today Exercise I Whenever you catch yourself making a negative statement that includes the word “but”, substitute “and” instead. Don’t be surprised if your optimism turns out to be contagious. This one little change will make you sound confident and positive. This will inspire others. If you aren’t able to try this out in conversation, use it as a journaling exercise instead. Give yourself five minutes to write down any “but” statements you’ve been making recently. What happens if you use “and” instead of “but”? Personally, I feel less helpless in the face of my difficulties when I make this simple swap. Exercise II Go on a “Yet Hunt”. Whenever you make a negative statement or bemoan that you are lacking some kind of resource, stick a “yet” on the end. You could also silently add a “yet” to the end of other people’s sentences and see for yourself how it changes their meaning. You might be tempted to start telling others that they’d feel better if they started using “yet” more often, but this is best avoided unless you’re certain they value constructive feedback.

Page24 Day 6: Watch Your Pronouns Unless you are reciting a monologue, you need to always consider the needs of your conversation partner. Never bore them. Break this rule at your peril. There’s no point in getting your views across if no one is going to be listening to them anyway. Do you like to talk about yourself? You’re normal! If you were to ask the average person whether they enjoy talking about themselves and listening to the sound of their own voice, they would probably say “Me? No, of course not”. But let’s get real – most of us love talking about ourselves. In moderation, that’s perfectly okay. You are living your own life, so it’s natural that you find your own experiences fascinating. In addition, people who never reveal anything about themselves are not perceived as trustworthy. The best communicators know how to balance self-disclosure with respect for other people. Page24

(Page2) 21 Days of Effective Communication: Everyday Habits and Exercises to Improve Your Communication Skills and Social Intelligence Introduction Have you ever searched for something interesting to say, wondered how to make new friends, or suffered from social anxiety? You aren’t alone. There are millions of other people in your shoes.1 Heck, I used to have similar problems. These days I can talk to almost anyone and handle everyday social situations with ease. However, it’s been a long journey fraught with challenges before I reached my destination. There’s no doubt about it – communication skills are vital to success. Whether you want to improve your romantic relationships, build closer bonds with your family, make your friendships stronger, or boost your career, you absolutely must polish your communication skills.

Page25 Limit your “I”s A fascinating research study carried out in 1988 at the University of California found a link between narcissism and the number of times a person used “I” during a fiveminute monologue. The subjects, 24 men and 24 women, were allowed to speak on a topic of their own choosing for several minutes. Their monologues were recorded, and the researchers then counted the number of times each person used first person pronouns. The participants who achieved higher scores on measures of narcissism tended to use “I” more often. So, does this mean that “I” talk is a reliable indicator of narcissism? Not quite. Later research has shown that there actually is no relationship between the two.16 What does this mean for those of us who want to make a good impression? Here’s the important part – although psychologists disagree on whether “I” talk is really related to narcissism; the average layperson picks up on it. In other words, a psychologist might realize that “I” talk doesn’t necessarily mean you are narcissistic, but most other people will.17 In conclusion, it’s safe to say that avoiding excessive “I” talk will benefit you. Page25

(Page26) When to use “I” Too much “I” talk will not endear you to anyone, but sometimes it’s the best approach. Here’s when you should use it: 1. When you are being assertive: If you are standing up for your rights, using “I” draws a firm line between you and someone else, allowing you to state exactly how the situation makes you feel. Let’s suppose that your partner fails to do their fair share of the household chores. Instead of listing their faults in an aggressive manner and telling them that they need to change immediately, it would be more effective to use “I” talk to explain how their actions have made you feel. Someone can argue with your interpretation of their actions, but they can’t argue with your own feelings. “I” statements are less inflammatory than accusations beginning with “you.” To continue with the above example, it would be better to say, “I feel undervalued when I come home to find that you have not cleaned the kitchen after you promised to do so” than “You don’t do anything, and the house is a complete mess!” (Page26)

(page27) 2. When you want to introduce a potentially controversial opinion: If you are talking about a sensitive topic, such as religion or politics, it’s a good idea to communicate to everyone listening that you can tolerate other people’s opinions. Your views are your own and do not represent those of everyone else. To avoid appearing rude, do not present your opinion as fact – preface it with an “I.” Countless arguments could be prevented if only people took a second to acknowledge that not everyone feels the way they do, and that differences are okay. (Page27)

(page28) 3. When you want to claim credit for an idea: In most cases, it’s to your advantage to work with others when coming up with a plan or new idea. You will be more popular if you are willing to work as part of a team. However, sometimes it’s better to establish that you alone deserve the credit. For example, if you are aiming for a promotion at work and your manager values selfsufficiency, use “I” when talking about your ideas. (Page28)